Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Humbled, again!!

So, today is a hard day at the hell pit called the cancer centre here in Hamilton. I am typing this while in my vinyl laz z boy (who the hell thought that was a good idea I don’t know) with the IV in my arm

In the 2 hour wait for my herceptin treatment to start I watched a couple next to me. I was sure by the deep sadness in the mans’ eyes that he was the one with cancer, but when I searched for the telltale signs I could not tell which one of them was the patient. I eventually saw the hospital bracelet hidden under her jacket cuff. Something told me that I should be talking to them.

Understand that it is not normal for people in this waiting room to speak to each other. I chalk it up to the Canadian habit of keeping to yourself. Ultimately I ended up chatting with the woman and learned that she has colon cancer that has spread to her liver. Once cancer spreads as you may know you start to be in an area of treatment that is iffy. Cancer in one spot has a better chance of being controlled. She has been in a treatment for a year and is understandably scared and her husband is terrified!

I don’t think I have ever seen a person with a sadder look in his eyes. I made the odd choice of telling them about my mother and her death from cancer. The husband asked me a lot of questions about my mother and what treatments she sought and strangely about my own mental health and depression and I had no idea what to tell him. He was so painfully depressed about his wife and so surprised about how upbeat and strong I seemed and I was useless at telling him how or why I was like that.

I was born under the sign of Sagittarius and we are notoriously strong and steadfast?!

I come from a long line of feisty and strong women who have handled lots of emotional turmoil in their lives? I am a triathlete so I handle pain and suffering better than most?!

What could I tell this guy that might help him wake up and be in a happier place tomorrow? Powerless to the utmost... All I could mutter when they left was to smile and that I would pray for his wife.

The magazine article I was reading comparing the iphone to the blackberry seemed a total waste of time now. I was affected by this mans sadness more than most things since my cancer diagnosis.

Am I handling this better/ differently than other people? If so... Why?

Why is this fair? Shouldn’t the more terminally affected by graced with the strength to deal with this better? I can only hope that something I said or did make those people have a better day/ week … whatever….

I can only pray that God gives them a break.

Me? I remain Lucky … as always


This is the lyric that came on as I wiping away tears when that couple left the chemo room....

Relevant? I don't know... but the words and memories of the song made me cry....

At the point of the knife, you never see anyone and the strong will survive at the end of that gun.

We Run
by Drew Arnott (Strange Advance)

You're on your own and meet a friend
Who doesn't kill but wounds for life
The sun blinds you through the trees
While watching clues fall from the skies
And she smiles


At the point of the knife
You never see anyone
How the strong will survive
At the end of their gun
We Run...

Frozen smiles for men returned
They never even left this place
She kissed me softly on the cheek
And a shadow cut across her face

Take heart the fountain of my life
and stone the victim to his knees
I've got scars for my mistakes
And now post atomic dreams
I dream...


I walked for miles and miles to the sea
We burned, the fire from the sun
I know you never tried to deceive
Who can touch us when we run

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