Friday, May 16, 2008

blethery bloggy blots - side effects and me

See I told you I kinda suck at this blogging thing.
Every morning I have great ideas to blog on about and then life gets in the way and I forget.
I wonder if I could actually make a bloggy date with myself and write everyday... hmmm I will think about creating that discipline... I suck at discipline but I will try.
I had chemo last week and this week has sucked a lot.
They were not kidding when they said the fatigue on chemo is cumulative. I have only had 2, maybe 3 days of the last 8 that I felt good enough to get through a decent day without miserable side effects and exhaustion.
My next and last AC treatment is coming up and I am already freaked out about what the next round will hold. After that I have 4 Taxol treatments which I hope will hold more manageable side effects.
I don't have one bodily function that is acting right.My period lasted 2 days so my hormones are a train wreck.There are great quantities of weeping and emotional outbursts at silly things like the milk being bad. I can't swallow anything harder than bread with no crust because of some inexplicable ouchy throat thingy that makes me feel like I am storing walnuts in my glands. One would think that with the lack of solid food in my diet that I would be losing weight.... but nooooo! I get to gain 10 lbs in 5 weeks from all the fluid and hideous bloating from the steroids. Steroids ! woo hoo! I should be lifting weights and pumping my arms .. workout?? Ya right! I am lucky if I can climb freakin' stairs without being out of breath this week.
Ya, I am bitching, but truly this really sucks.
One thing about my cancer is how hard it is to remember my mom and her cancer. From 2001 -2006 mom did chemo without any break. Her chemo was lower dose than mine, but her side effects were constant... and she was on so many different chemos we never knew what se's she was up against week to week. Mom was very private about her side effects but I knew about most of them... at the time I could not understand how grossly unfair it must have felt to have all of them go on and on. and each with painful, annoying awful one I get I wonder... did she have this one or that one for 5 flippin' years!!?? This part of my cancer has opened up a whole new level of grieving her death. Feeling sorry for her pain in the end, feeling sympathy for her pain through her cancer and dying process as an outsider was part of my grieving because I was her housemate /the primary caregiver to her. This kind of sympathy I did not expect as I started my cancer process. I guess by definition I am feeling both sympathy and empathy for her gamble with cancer. Oh ya, FYI Mom told me a few weeks before she died that if she ever found out we used words like "passed away" "lost her battle with cancer" and or any shit like that she would come back and kill us.
So next time I hear about yet another fund raiser for breast cancer cures I will scream. There is a ton of that, but no one seems to talk about how to help the pain and suffering through the treatment process. Sure there are lots of blogs by people like me, and lots of cancer patients swapping ideas about diet and meds to calm the side effects. This week I wish someone PROFESSIONAL was spending time and effort working on ideas to stop some of the side effects for those of us living through cancer.

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