Oranges and lemons, Say the bells of St. Clements...

I eat a lot of apples. They are the only thing that was not on my diet this spring/ summer that I really missed. Since my eating plan has very little sugar in it, I ate very little fruit until it came into season and was locally grown... and even then I ate very little fruit. The apple is a very convenient little thing, add a little nut butter and you've got an almost complete meal that you can eat in about 4 minutes. For me at this time of year as a buy retailer a full meal in 4 minutes is worth it's weight in gold!
Since apple season is upon us I have given up my ban on them and consumed them like crazy! Spy's, Russets, Macintosh, Cortlands all kinds of fun ones. Last week I sent my staff to get my apples from the Dundas Farmers' market. I told him to get a mix of eating apples. They were all fine, but he brought me some yellow delicious apples. I have often wondered what God was thinking in calling the Delicious apple "Delicious" ... because to me it really isn't. The red delicious apple tastes kind of like a characature of an apple... almost like it's trying to say HI I'M A RED APPLE! I'M DELICIOUS... and that's all it's got. No great flavour, No tartness, too sweet etc... Just an all around average apple. But the Yellow Delicious? Really? That's an apple? It's like the apple that got forgotten when they gave all the other apples their character. It's like the plain Jane, wallflower, go on don't mind me I'm a boring apple apple. It's like the red delicious had an affair with the half dead house plant in the corner and spawned a sweet, but flavourless pasty looking child.
Just my opinion of course...
 ;)

Run Forest Run! aka Running in the Forest

So, I don't blog much. Mea Culpa. Sorry to you poor buggers out there who like to read my blether.
Today I went for a run. Strangely... my first real run of the season. I used to run quite a lot. Last year was my summer of the least fitness since I quit smoking(August 2000 yay me!), other than my summer 2008 when I hung out at "Camp Chemo" and even that summer I did a little triathlon. Last year was the first year in 7 that I did only one race(stupid grown up life gettin' in my way) I did a ton of awesome snowshoeing in the winter and joined a crossfit gym as the cold rainy horror we called spring happened in Ontario. My friend Glenn had been talking about his gym, so I tried it for a few weeks and loved it.
During the crossfit initiation period there was a lot of running, jumping, weight lifting and sweating. I was in a class with people that seemed to like it, but I haven't seen them since that first 6 week Boot Camp class. The weather got better, I still never went for a run. Lots of reasons, few of them good... but I didn't run. One reason was I was trying an experiment from a book I read, a body hack if you will.
The idea was that I could lose fat with some simple, short weight workouts (similar to some crossfit principals)most especially including kettlebell swings. I joined the Boot camp class just a few weeks before I read the book, so I started the eating plan and the class within a week of each other. Somewhere in there I started to see results with a lower fat percentage, and I was losing inches in some places, and gaining them in other cool ones. I also fell in love with kettlebells.
But the running, the whole point of the bloody blether... the running in my class was short, 100-400m type stuff, mixed with sets with my beloved bells...
I've known since my cross-county running days at Parkside that intervals were important to running. There's lots of current articles on Tabata type running workouts and 200m sprints until you barf... but in high school in the 1980's we had the pleasure of doing the fartlek. If we could get through the workout without laughing outloud at the name, it was a hell of a workout. Fartlek's never made me faster I don't think, but my coaches spent time with the naturally faster, taller (and in my mind prettier)girls so getting fast wasn't gonna happen without more help. Maybe if Uncle Ed gave me a kettlebell to swing while he coached Debbie Perfect, and one of those other tall blondies ;) I would have been happier, or stronger or somethin'

I'm not a fast runner. I run alone mostly, and until recently didn't track my speeds or distances. I have always run for time, to train for triathlons and to hide in the woods without anything bugging me from work or the aformentioned pesky grown up life.
I knew about a month ago that crossfit classes were making my running better so I tested my endurance on a short 20m/3k run AFTER a 45m long killer crossfit class and I was kinda stunned I could actually finish the planned 20m. Today, I aimed for 30m, but used a light kettlebell workout to warmup. At 25m I decided I was aiming for 40m. Did it.
So, with only a 3k run under my belt since LAST fall, I kicked through a 5k with little grief. I may not walk well tomorrow and I know from the tight feeling in my core that I "kept my chi" through the run.
I also did the whole thing "barefoot" in my VFF's which were not ideal for the gravelly trail I was on but... I did it.

Crossfit rocks...
Oh ya... oops...forgot... my speed on todays run was a PB for average speed for all my tracked runs of the last year sans that one race. That race? At a high school reunion... and one of the many tall blondies from my old team won. Some things change.... and some things never, ever will. ;)

It's a Girl! ;) Exciting ellënoire news!

After almost 9 months of waiting & hoping ellënoire is finally ready to birth its new permanent location! We’ve secured a spot at the Dundas Post Office which is under construction to become a new shopping destination in a stunning old stone building. You will have to wait until late summer to see our new baby because she needs to be dressed up perfectly for your first visit. The new Boutique will include everything we do currently: Handmade Bath Products & Custom Scenting plus your favourite Bath & Body Brands like Badger Balm, Vermont Soap & of course the DevaCurl products along with an exciting addition…a baby sister if you will.


We will continue to offer Curly Hair Services: cutting & colouring but in a full service salon right inside our boutique. The Sulfate Free Curly Hair services we have offered for the last year in our private salon are so popular we cannot keep up, some of our non-curly clients are getting in on the sulfate free action too! We will be cutting right up to the day of the move, & selling products at 2 Cross St, Dundas so don’t worry, you can still get your ellënoire fix of the fun & functional things you love & enjoy a frizz free summer.

Our website, email & phone number will remain the same as always http://www.ellenoire.com/, ellenoire@ellenoire.com, 905 627 9379

Come & see us at 2 Cross St soon & look for the news of our opening dates at the Post Office!

Store news

Dear Customers, Friends and DevaCurl Enthusiasts,
I’m writing to fill you in on news.
Do not worry, WE ARE NOT CLOSING!
This is news about our upcoming location which will house the Ellënoire Boutique along with a brand new Natural & Curly Hair Salon. Our current location at 53a King Street west was only a temporary location as many of you know. We will be closing this location on Saturday April 30. 5 more shopping days!

We are currently negotiating with a new landlord to move to another location in downtown Dundas. Unfortunately due to some timing issues it appears we will be without a street front location for a few weeks. Do not worry, WE ARE NOT CLOSING!
Over the next little while you will be able to get your favourite products in several different ways. Our website http://www.ellenoire.com will remain active, and we will make arrangements for local customers to have their products available for pick up at a central location or in some cases delivered. Do not worry, you will not be charged the shipping fees you see on the website.

Our part time private Deva inspired curly hair salon will also remain open with cutting dates in May & June in both our St Catharines and Dundas based locations.
Please feel free to ask questions, and we wish this situation was a little different, but the details are beyond our control.
In the meantime everything in the store is on SALE. I’d rather sell it than move it!
Getting in touch with me by email will be ellenoire@ellenoire.com.
We’ll see you soon!

Sincerely, Noëlle & the ellënoire staff

Nasty is not welcome here

I have been avoiding blogging like the plague for awhile. Not fair to my readers and really, not fair to me. I like blogging. I like talking about the things that are important to me.
There was an Anonymous comment on my last entry that made me give a second look at a lot of stuff with regard to how I communicate and how it affects other people. I didn't really come up with anything that I want to change, but I am trying to pay a little more attention to how public I am about my feelings and opinions.
Anonymous, whoever you are. You are not my friend. Whatever possessed you you say what you did I am not sure, but clearly you are angry at me, or the world or something. I have never, not once blamed anyone for my getting cancer and anyone who is really close to me knows that.
My only reply to you is that perhaps you should read the title of this blog again. This blog is mine, and I can say whatever I want here and I will continue to do so. Nasty is not welcome here. Many people have told me to ignore your comment, sadly I am far too emotional for that.

Anyway, I am back. I had a bunch of cancer appointments since I last wrote and so far things are ok. I don't have to see the onco for another 10 months. I got to schedule my mammogram at another hospital. Now, I don't have to go back to the horrible Juravinski Hospital Breast Cancer Centre after they treated me and many other women so badly in January. I saw my breast surgeon and he says I am a good candidate for breast reconstruction.
I'm not sure how or when we can schedule reconstruction this year, but I'm going to try. I want to race in some triathlons and/or ride some long bike tours this season and we have to move the store again soon so it will hard to manage multiple surgeries and recovery periods.
I started a fabulous new eating plan a couple of weeks ago to get rid of the last 10-15lbs that I put on during surgery, recovery and chemo in 2008.I'm going to start talking about it on this blog really soon I think. As far as I can tell it's a fantastic plan for everyone , and if it can get rid of this impossible chemo weight I will shout it from the rooftops. I feel great and a lot healthier. More on that very soon I promise.

Shut uuuuup! You're alive!

Oh man, this'll be a doozy 'cause y'all soooo did not get what I was saying yesterday. Most days my reaction to people and all their whining amounts to one thing. SHUT UP! YOUR'RE ALIVE!!

I'm glad you enjoyed your Family Day. It's not like I didn't enjoy my extra day off either, but I just didn't see the point. In the big picture. I'm exhausted to the very core listening to people act like they are entitled to long weekends and short Fridays and blah blah blah. No, that day off was a priveledge. Oh, sorry you really "needed" that long weekend? FOR WHAT? To whine that it was cold out? To drive to Buffalo and spend your money there, not stimulating your home economy AGAIN? Did you have a great big "Family" dinner? (LOL! see previous blog entry re cooking a Family) As far as I know the airports weren't brimming with family members racing home to be together for Family Day weekend. NO! 'cause we only just annoyed each other over how to mash the damned potatoes 6 weeks ago at Christmas! I was a lovely day off but an unneccesary one in my opinion...

In my town the weekend mangled the economy of many small retailers. Typical long weekend stuff. Friday was dead, Saturday was dead, Sunday was dead and Monday we were closed. We still had to pay staff for the holiday too...
I understand there was a huge mall in Toronto that was open, and did a booming business. Hooray! Except for as a small business I can't afford the fines I would have to pay to be open on a stat holiday.

Yesterday was also quiet, apparently due to the fact that it was cold out. IT'S BLOODY FEBRUARY OF COURSE IT'S COLD OUT DEAL WITH IT!
Weather Whining is constant. I think some people just have the need to complain that it's hot, or cold, or the sun is shining in their eyes or something negative about the weather. Perhaps it's facebook, perhaps I just have to many "friends" and seeing over half of these people post negative crap about the weather makes me want to scream! I have to work today, but the sun outside is gorgeous and I would kill for the time to be outside in it. Instead I am writing to you. ;p

Someone posted this yesterday and started an interesting fall out on Facebook: "Happiness is a choice" I basically rung in with... "well duh!" Anyone knows that.... realizing of course(after being yelled at by a very unhappy person) that some people never ever work that out. My whole point here is (sadly) the name of a Hannah Montana song. Life's what you make it! Take what you have and make it the best you can. There will always be something in everyday that will suck, but there will ALWAYS be something in everyday that is great too! You don't NEED a vacation or a day off or a shopping spree. You don't NEED a specially designated day to celebrate having a family. You don't NEED much other than food on the table, a roof over your head and maybe one or two people on the planet that care about you. And some people never get this. Some people had no family at all on "Family Day" (are you finally getting that the name bugs me more than the day off???)
My Cancer group friend Dana, the one that died this week was one of the happiest people I've ever met. Through 5 or so years of cancer treatment she was still happy! My mom was the same during her treatment. They were physically uncomfortable, in pain, pissed off, scared but somehow through all of it they found ways to be happy. Dana didn't need "Family day" to celebrate family, not at all.
Accepting the hand you are dealt is the only way to function I think. Bitch and moan all you want, but if you really believe the outside stuff like time off work and new shoes will help then try it, but trust me it doesn't help. Miserable? Call that friend you haven't seen in awhile. Hungry? Well, likely there's something in your fridge to eat even if it's not the thing you are craving. I think you get the picture.

Oh and before you say it... anyone who knows me knows that I bitch and moan about a lot of stuff but to me it helps to get it out "better out than in" I like to say...
Winter Haters, this is for you. Yes, you can bitch and moan too, I get that... but seriously do you have to do it all the time? Taking your Vitamin D is good for you it will help you get through the hard season S.A.D and all that.. but you still can't live without sunshine! Go outside!!! 10 minutes a day it will help! Just "wear more wool" as my mother would say...
Really, much of the time you are the ones I want to say SHUT UP!!! YOU'RE ALIVE to.

Today, I will spend a lot of time thinking of an very old friend whose infant son was sick with cancer the same time I was. Somewhere in this blog I think I mentioned him. Yesterday was the third anniversary of his diagnosis, just a few weeks after mine. He died, I didn't. I will never ever, ever, no matter how hard I try be able to think of what the heck to say to his mom without feeling crappy that he died.... and that I didn't. Ya, survivor's guilt, I know... not much I can do about it... but it sucks. So, I will be sure to think about Harry when I go out in the sunshine for my 10 minutes(or more if I have time) and remind myself "Shut up.... You're alive!"

Family Day?

So, in Ontario yesterday we had a statutory holiday called "Family Day". A day to "celebrate family" I for one am not sure why it exists. I understand there had been some strife over the fact that we didn't have a statutory holiday in the month of February so we had to create one. The US get's President's Day so we should get a holiday too!? It's not a federal thing, we still got mail, you could still get a passport. I bet those people in those jobs would have liked to spend the day with family but too bad for them!
In my opinion most Canadians work too little anyway. Two days off a week, two weeks of vacation plus dental, prescription, etc etc benefits. Nice gig if you can get it! What the hell do you need yet another day off for? To sit around and do nothing? To have yet another dinner with people you are related to that you may or may not like? Family day was created to get your votes and that's all. Do you really need more than 30% of the month off? Because in this 28 day month that's what you got!

Family Day? *Raspberry* at you!!

Sure, I'm cynical but I'm the one who saw almost no family support during my cancer treatment. My Dad and son were around and I was grateful for that help... but my brother, my sister and most of my "family" didn't bother to call, let alone show up. I only just found out that the bulk of the family on mom's side didn't even know I was ill.... due to the fact that one family member that did know " didn't feel like talking about it" so didn't tell anyone else!

Family Day? In a time where family-as we like to pretend it -means so little. People duct taping their babies to walls and chairs. Same Sex families having trouble getting married, adopting children, sharing their partner's/ spouses benefits, next of kin rights etc. The family unit as the movies tell us it should be barely exists so telling us when and how to "celebrate family" is crap to me.
If you aren't celebrating the people you love you shouldn't get to have a them. If you need the government to ask you to vote for a day to spend with your family then you clearly need to spend more time with your family on a day to day basis anyway!

I have a family, a small number of them are here where I live, some are blood some are not. I have family in lots of other places too. Glasgow, Texas, New York, Australia and many places in between. My cancer family is with me today because we lost another one of our group this week. Dana succumbed to the breast cancer that spread to her brain on Sunday.
Personally I have a long list of other things I would like to have a special day for:

-Stimulate the economy day -EVERYONE Gets a half day off, all the stores are open and we have to SPEND money in Canada on Canadian goods. So sorry, no spending money in the US today... or Walmart for that matter.
-Kids go to school but Parents get the day off day!Going back to bed required.
--People should spend more money in my store so I can go to Texas for a funeral day.


But really folks. You got your day off. With no traditions to follow like we do on Easter, or Christmas what did you do? What meal did you cook? Turkey? Ham?
What does one slow roast in the oven on Family Day? A Family? ;)
*rant over*

Blue Moon? Twice?

Someone is trying to tell me something! Is it time for a trip to Vermont? Is it time to have some hangout time with my old pal Howard?
Last night I heard my beloved Dissipated 8 sing on my ipod. I hear them a lot, I have a few of their "albums" on there. But last night I heard Blue Moon twice in a row and two different versions both on the way somewhere and on the way back. 4 Blue Moon's? There wasn't a Blue Moon in the sky. Nothing odd had happened. Strange. But, I sang along happily anyway. I know both versions like I was in the group myself.That couldn't have happened of course, because I'm a girl and the "D8" is a male a cappella group from my alma mater Middlebury College.
I had been a huge fan of traditional barber shop quartet, a cappella group type music for as long as I could recall and that type of music has always been performed by various male groups in New England Colleges for and close to 100 years when I was in school and I loved the sound, the tradition and the goofy old songs.
I auditioned for the school's female counterpart The Mischords, didn't get in and that was the end of my college a capella dreams. So, for years I was involved in as many D8 events as I could be: initiations, reunions both official and unofficial. I was the ultimate hanger on, a groupie from hell. I developed humiliating and mind numbing crushes on a member or two... a few hearts got broken along the way but although I have many stories ....what happens with the D8 stays with the D8... right boys? ;)
A big part of the memories I shared with the D8 boys was the house on the Middlebury Campus where my friend Howard stayed when he was Chaplain at the school. There were lots of meals and parties shared there and a few impromptu sing alongs in the kitchen in that house, where I got to sing with the boys as I had always dreamed of doing.
So, today when this very special article about Howard showed up I knew someone had to be telling me something. I haven't decided what, but I think at the least it's time to plan some get togethers with my old D8 pals, who I only get to see.... wait for it.... Once in a Blue Moon!
This isn't my old Gang, but some youngn's carrying on the tradition in fine form.

Cancerversary the Third.... what do I get??

Today is the 3rd anniversary of my mastectomy. If you care to know the history go back to the beginning of this blog and you can learn it all.
In Cancer patient lingo many of us call this a Cancerversary.
To me, todays anniversary is the most important one since it's the day they cut the cancer out and threw it in the trash! Technically it is the day I can refer to myself as Cancer Free (although it took almost 2 years for me to get my stupid oncologist to use the words "Cancer Free" with me) so to me it's the key day to celebrate! 3 years cancer Free is a good number. I understand at 5 years I can stop worrying about the 2008 diagnosed cancer having spread to anywhere else-although I will always be higher risk to get new cancer than a person that has never had it...

Yesterday I found out a loyal client died in the fall from his dance with cancer. I never knew his name, just who he was, what he bought and that he had a nasty, nasty cancer that was similar to my stepfather's. He came in a few times a year since we opened(8 years ago) to buy bath bombs for his sister up North. RIP Bath Bomb guy. I hope you and your Harley have Friday the 13th everyday in heaven....
This week my cancer sisters and I learned that our glorious sister Dana may not have long left to remain in this world. Her cancer did spread, and she likely has no more cancerversaries to share with us, and her loving family. God, I have one request today: Dana has a grandbaby coming any day now and she needs to see it before she goes, can you make that happen?

Cancer, I hate your guts and it's my cancerversary so I'm going to get presents today... I just know it! For a wedding the Traditional 3rd Anniversary Gift is Leather. Can someone give me a leather whip so I can take a crack at cancer over and over and over again? Let me at ya Cancer, I'll do a KKK all over your stupid ass! Hang you by your wrists from a tree and whip you 'til you're bloody and raw and have no energy to fight back... Call me Massa while I'm at it will ya? Let me hear you say it while I whip you! "Yes Massa, I will leave your friends alone!"
"No Massa, I will not go into any more people's bodies and fight to take them from their loved ones!"

The Modern 3rd Anniversary Gift is Crystal (or Glass). Can someone give a Crystal vase to smash into shards so I can go all bar fight nuts and shred Cancer to death? I'll rip and stab and tear the flesh of the nasty thing. I'll grind the tiny bits into it's every cell.

Happy 3rd Cancerversary to me. I'm glad for myself, but I'd trade a year of my own Cancer Freeness to give Dana a year back... or at least a few minutes with that precious new grandchild....

Cancer you piss me off every damned day

Yuck. A woman I was emailing over the last year about her cancer treatment died a few weeks ago. I didn't really know her, but kept up a little with her to make sure she knew I thought about her from time to time. There is something about being a cancer patient that makes you part of this stupid club that makes it easy to talk to other cancer patients.
She was a guidance counsellor at my school, but I had no contact with her then and someone from my church told her to talk to me about local treatment issues. She had a cancer that needed a certain type of chemo that the Ontario Health Plan would not cover. The last time I heard from her she was taken off all treatment because her tumours had grown beyond control. That was in March. I hope she had a peaceful, pain free summer. I never replied to her last email, but I did think about her.... This was one of the last things she wrote to me and Judy, I hope you don't mind that I posting this here: "I live one day at a time and celebrate the good ones. My friends and family have been wonderful. My 2-3 months to live have now been 2 years and 4 months. It's a miracle"

I'll leave you with that thought....

This Blogger needs to be fired

Today, I won't bore you with why I haven't blogged in forever.... but the news you need to know now is that a) we have moved the store to 53 King Street west, Dundas... just up the street from the old place. This wee spot is only temporary, until we find te right place to house both our store and new curly hair salon. b) in the meantime, we are cutting curly (and any other kind) hair in my house weekly.
Let me know if you need a haircut... more later. I PROMISE!!!!
I had some minor surgery this week... NOT cancer related... just to remove a kidney stone the size of Texas.... and I am still messy on pain killers...

I stole a saying...

A few days ago a fellow Breast Cancer friend came home from several months away only to find her ceiling collapsed into her tub. After 18 hours of flying she said all she wanted was a shower. When she walked in to find the tub filled with plaster she laughed out loud and said all she could think was " It's not Cancer!"
So, this past few weeks I have used that term many times over.
Of course, it's along the same lines as "This too shall Pass" and other sayings but after cancer.. "it's not cancer" is a pretty good way to benchmark bad shit that hits the fan of your life.
After my elusive and ever argued about vacation I came home to assume the position of head packer, paperwork juggler, painter, designer, box mover etc etc in the month of moving our store into a new location.
In the 10 days since my return I have been accused of subletting and slander. I had to learn the deeper meaning of the terms Fire Separation, Commercial Building Code, Zoning Variance, Change of Use, and the worst of all? Waiting Period after Waiting Period. I have had to call and re- call and pretend to happily sing song my way through Voice Mails with the banks and other financial people tapdancing my way through the mire of Liens and Loans and Lawyers. Drafts and Drawings and Designers and Architects and Proposals and on and on are on my doorstep for tomorrow.
22 days is all we have left in the current store and due to misinformation from the city, misfiled paperwork within the bank and a pile of other messes it is unlikely we will be open for quite a while after we are out of this building. Not sure what I will do yet. Not sure of anything really.
I just have to continue to pretend it's all in a days work and keep dancing.

You can't tell me how to relax

No, go back and read that again... seriously... how nuts is it that someone should be able to tell another how to relax?
So, here's the story: I'm on a vacation of sorts. A chosen trip to a Cottage Country location in Ontario to a not chosen by me location on a not very good week. Let me explain. 2 years ago during cancer I found this organization that matches donated summer cottages to recovering cancer patients(see the link here) You must be out of treatment and ok to care for yourself and you go to whichever place matches your available dates. I did not finish treatment until August of '08 so that summer was out. Last summer we could not match any dates so we tried for this summer, but couldn't match any dates for when Luke was not at camp. So, we chose this week and I am here alone. Tim had to work so that was that, I travel alone to the cancer cottage or not at all.
If you’ve been following the story of the store you will know that we just signed the lease for a new location as our lease is up in our current place and the landlord is not renewing. I take the new place on Aug 1 and have to leave the current place on Sept 1.
This is the only week in the whole summer that I had nothing else going on except for planning the new store front/ new salon. Taking a vacation on the last week of July is far from ideal. Planning a new salon build and store set up and move in only 30 days is going to be a feat of amazing organization and luck. I can’t really be here and not at least work a little. So you don’t get to ride me about working.
Here I am in the middle of nowhere doing what other people (in Ontario anyway)seem to do on their weekends to relax. I am at a cottage on a lake. I drove for 4 hours to get here, immediately set myself up to read my book on the beach and listened to the many nearby neighbours bark at the dog, yell at their kids, start up the motorboats etc etc….. this is relaxing? My backyard is quieter! Thankfully most of those people left on yesterday (Sunday) and the place is pretty quiet. The cottage is simple and clean, but hot and badly designed for airflow. I spent all day today either sleeping late or reading outside except for checking the internet for messages and things about once every two hours. Don’t ever forget I am not only a single mom 7 days a week; I am also a boss 7 days a week. In the same way that there is no parent for Luke when I am not around, there is no one in charge of the store when I am away either. I have staff, but no one has financial authority over my business but me. If I left the store for a real vacation there would be no stock on the shelves, no bills paid, no taxes filed etc… So, for me to be fully relaxed and work free I have to have no kid and the store has to be closed. So far this calendar year that has happened all of once. God Bless you moms who can be relaxed with your kids around but I can’t, not for more than a few hours.

So, earlier while surfing the internet, something I do for fun…. I posted a link related to work on my facebook page and got lambasted for not relaxing/ communing with nature using the computer too much etc etc…. I am here to tell you that having other people telling me to relax had the exact opposite effect !!!! It just made me mad! I know, you all meant well, care about me and all that…. But go ahead baaaaack to the top of the page and tell me how it is ok for me to follow someone else’s rules to relaxation?
The fact is…. When I am at work and I’m on the internet you should be telling me to not use the computer because I like it that much! The idea of being able to use the internet with no outside pressure to stop or rules about what I should or should not look at is fun for me! As for the whole nature thing… between running on secluded trails and gardening I likely spend more time outdoors than most people… and yelling neighbours and motorboats are not what nature is about for me.
So this week it will be my rules. I will sleep, eat, surf the internet, work, read, as much or as little as I want… when I want, how I want and you don’t get to make me feel bad about any of it…. That, to me is relaxing. So there!
Now, I was trying to go to sleep early…. But y’all made me mad so I stayed up and wrote this!
SNAFU as always. Gnight!

Somewhere there's music !

For years I've been trying to work out where in my life I can fit music in. I'm not much of a music listener I have discovered. Not the same way other people listen. If I don't like the melody or the beat I stop listening. I don't hear words, never have. Maybe that comes with learning to sing/ read music earlier than/about the same time as I learned how to read words. Or maybe since I learned a lot of music at that age in either old hymnal english, or in Latin, German, Italian, Handelspeak etc I never knew half of what I was singing about.
I played the violin for a while as a young child, but I understand I hated the sound and I know it hurt my chin. Seriously, dig your nails into your chin, plug your nose and sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, over and over and OVER again... and tell me that would inspire you to like anything about the experience!
I played the trumpet in high school music class(doesn't everyone that doesn't know what to play have to play the trumpet in high school music?)
I played the piano for 9 or so years and still suck. I played the guitar for a year of adult night classes. None of it stuck.
I sing though. I sing everyday, all the time to any music around me. I don't need to know the words(see above) just have to have heard the melody a few times. I'm a pretty good singer. 16+ years in choirs here and there, a bunch of years of singing lessons and solo work with a few choirs. Turns out though, I am a cruddy solo performer. I have this humiliating habit of bursting into tears when I perform in public. I think I've blogged about this before, it's a parent/memories/ deep subconcious thing . I'm sure shock therapy will cure it, but I hope more practice will too.
I also did about 4000 dance classes starting at 4 and not stopping until 20 something... I never got really good at that either, but I sure loved it. My FAIL was tap dancing. My ankles are ballet dancer tight and not loose enough to be a great tapper. I was very frustrated. I've always loved the idea of tap dancing. I don't care if I ever perform it, just want to do it.
Soooo, the whole inspiration for this post was to tell myself to just DO it! I want to sing, and I want to dance. I only have time/ money to take one class per season. I wonder which one I should start with....
Watch this, it's fun..

Livestrong asked this today

How do you show your support for people affected by cancer?

My reply:
Well chosen comments(I listened to a myriad of stupid ones when I had it) an open door to a shoulder to cry on and/ or an ear to bend. Lastly, advice and stories of my experiences and knowledge if they want it.

out of the sandbox

HI y'all, I think I've turned the corner from the funk I was in during the last post. I seem to be standing next to the stinky sandbox staring at it. I managed a work out this week, and think I am off for another right now. I read this post by Jillian Michaels this morning and thought it was worth sharing. I love how she breaks down how sugars process in your body. I knew high fructose corn syrup was bad, but I did not understand it fully.

Have you cut all the junk food out of your life? Or 90% anyway...? You know my rule? 10% of life, food, skin care, etc.. should be no holds barred, do what you want and don't stress about it, but the other 90 should be fully under your control. I think I ate my 10% or more in candy last week, this week I have to be a little stricter. I think a walk in the woods up to the peak is in order.
Now, read this:

Dump the Most Evil Sweetener of All
In the late seventies, less than 15 percent of Americans were obese. Thirty years later, 32 percent of us are obese. What happened between then and now? First, the idea became popular that fat was evil and "low fat" diets were best. Whenever possible, fat was removed from processed foods and replaced with sugars and other carbs. At the same time, high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS) got really cheap and became food manufacturers' go-to sweetener.
Since the days of the low-fat diet craze, we've learned not only that fat doesn't make you fat but that refined carbohydrates like sugar and HFCS do. Oops! A lot of damage has been done, but we can work with our hormones to teach our bodies to react to food the way they did before we overwhelmed our insulin response systems.
A good place to start is to get rid of HFCS. This evil sweetener is incredibly damaging to your metabolism, and it's everywhere. Researchers at Tufts University report that Americans consume more calories from soda and other sweet drinks (which invariably contain tons of HFCS) than from any other source.
You may have seen a commercial run by the Corn Refiners Association that tries to convince you that people who think HFCS is bad for you are paranoid; it suggests that most people can't even say why HFCS is bad for you. Well, here's your answer (tell your friends!): HFCS boosts your fat-storing hormones and makes you fat. Glucose (what table sugar is turned into in your body) is metabolized by all your cells, but fructose (the "F" in HFCS) must be metabolized in the liver. Because of this, HFCS somehow tricks the body into not releasing insulin and leptin, two essential hormones that are usually released after you eat. Without insulin, your body can't use those HFCS calories for energy, and without leptin, your body doesn't know it's full. Plus, unlike table sugar, HFCS doesn't stop levels of ghrelin, your hunger hormone, from rising. If you eat or drink HFCS, you'll actually continue to consume more calories, even 24 hours later, than you would had you just eaten plain table sugar. HFCS also increases triglycerides (a type of blood lipid), which prevent leptin from signaling the brain to stop eating.
I have zero tolerance for HFCS. For me, it's a code word for poison, so toss it!
JILLIAN'S TIP OF THE DAY
Where HFCS Hides

HFCS is one of the cheapest ingredients in our food supply, so companies that make processed food have managed to put it in practically everything we eat! Even something like lunch meat can have HFCS in it, so check your labels. Here are just a few other examples of foods that can contain HFCS: breakfast cereal, canned baked beans, cereal bars, crackers, cookies, English muffins, hot dog and hamburger buns, jams and jellies, peanut butter, pickles, protein bars, and salad dressings. Even some organic foods have it (using organic corn), so you can never really be safe unless you look at the ingredients list. Buying whole, unprocessed foods will help you eliminate the problem!


Crazy huh? TTYL!

I don't feel like it!! aka Can we fix it? aka There should be crying in baseball

Pick your preferred title for this one. I couldn't decide.
Today, last week.. lately has kinda sucked. Not sucked in the way that getting cancer or having chemo sucked... but yet.. it sucked.
There were lots of high points too, but today we are talking about suckage. I know suckage is not a word, but it seems to work here.
I don't really get depressed, or so I have always thought. I get knocked over, I get up, dust off and I keep going. Today, honestly I don't feel like it. I don't feel like getting up. I feel like sitting in the mud puddle in this sandbox not caring that there is cat poo in the sand and rain falling on my head.
A friend is dying of breast cancer and I am scared and sad for her. I am scared and sad for all the other people who have this cruddy disease. I am scared for myself and feeling kind of ashamed of feeling that when I am not the one dying. I am mad at the people who say things like " you beat cancer" when they have no idea whether I or any other cancer patient has cancer growing in them at this very moment.
I'm really, really angry at the fact that my business is so painfully slow I can barely pay my staff. I'm angry at myself for having a business that is not going well, because I am the owner and there is really no one else to blame it on. I am angry that cancer, recession, cash flow, taxes and all the other crap that makes being in business really hard is not helping things go well. I waffle between blaming external forces for my business being slow and blaming myself, where in reality it is a combination of many things, a great number of which I have little control over.

Last week I got to see my best friend from college days in New York City before she moved to Australia. It was so incredibly great to see her I cannot tell you. Although it made me acutely aware of my lack of perfect friends that actually live nearby, and yes I feel guilty that I feel that. I was alone for a lot of the trip in order to stay near her and be available when she had time to hang out. The airline lost my luggage and the sales were so bad at the store I really couldn't afford to buy new clothes so I wore mostly the same clothes for 3 days. I budgeted for a few small things and my meals and not much else. Add those things to the standard overtiredness from planning a trip and travelling to some bad news I got the day before I left and it added up to a physically and emotionally draining trip.

The biggest business news of late is that I have to move my store to another location. My landlord has let us know that he is not renewing our lease in September. This is cruddy, but after a few tears and annoyance I know this is going to be ok. The store has been good but not great,and we can find a place to include the curly hair services we have been working toward offering. This location seems great but has never given us the sales for the price we pay for it. The day before I left for my trip I found out that the landlord has apparently signed a lease for this space with another tenant in this building, a tenant who has only been here for a year whose business has been promoted readily by me since the day they opened. The details are unimportant but it looks quite likely that the tenant and the landlord have planned this for more than a year. Maybe they haven't, it's just how it looks. So, from my point of view it feels like I have been played for a fool and all along the other guy has known he was taking over the storefront I have spent 5 years pouring my time, energy and money into.

C'est la Vie! Can we Fix it? YES WE CAN! ... this I am not worried about. BUT today it is another bit of cat poop in my sandbox, another rain cloud over my head, another shovel of suckage to add to my pile.
I am not a get even kind of person. I don't give much time to anger or lengthy bouts of sadness. If I feel those things I feel them, scream at someone or cry a bit, work it out and move along. Not this time. I don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything that isn't absolutely imperative, well except for eating lots and lots of candy, that- I seem to be accomplishing very well. I don't feel like doing anything except for staying up late and watching crappy TV and sleeping late to make up for it. I don't want to be nice to anyone, or pretend that I am in a good mood. I just want to do stuff that makes me happy and pretend everything else can be put off.
I was raised by a mom who acted like making mud pies with her children and teaching the neighbourhood kids to waltz was far more important than grocery shopping, cleaning or any of the other trappings of a real grown up life. I think she was right in so many ways about priorities, but sadly my life does not lend itself to this kind of flighty behaviour as often I would like. I wonder if she was like this to avoid the grown up stuff, the suckage. I do think sometimes that I go to this mindset as default, as protection from the suckage.
Since I am already sitting in the mudpuddle in the sandbox and all.. I guess I could just start making mud pies... that would be an efficient use of time huh?(see previous post on efficiency) Ah well, just writing all this down has perked me up a bit, I kicked come cat poo out of my sandbox, brushed some sand off my foot... but don't worry, I will never, no matter how bad things get bury my head in the sand.

Oh, and as for the crying in baseball thing... I thing a lot more things would go better for a lot of people if tears were more acceptable in stressful situations. I would be happy to not cry at weddings if only it were ok for me to cry in a business meeting when things are not going well.

Try-a-Tri-Efficiency

For those that know me, read my blethering etc know that in some parts of my recent history I was an amateur triathlete. In the tri world I am a finisher, not a placer. I compete against myself on my best days. My last two races I competed against the idea of simply finishing because I was so out of shape after 2 summers of very few workouts.
When I started training for tris in 2003 I had no clue what I was doing and my only real skill was as a long distance touring cyclist. The swimming /running crap was something I had to do to compete. I had 7 years of being a really slow runner in middle and high school and every summer swimming in a lake under my belt... but almost no real training. The coaches avoided me like the plague, I just showed up for practice every day and they let me run. I'm not sure I ever had help with my stride, or foot placement or pacing or anything of the sort.
So, in 2004ish I discovered new methods of running and swimming so I could actually train myself properly. The running method is called chi- running and the swimming method is called total immersion. Both of these methods involves allowing energy to flow through you in a more peaceful way and teaches you to use your body to be more relaxed while running or swimming. These methods are really neat because once you "get it" you can be faster and way more efficient at your sport. During triathlons using energy more efficiently is key, so you don't burn out too early in the race.

Last week I was wondering while I was sick at home with a sinus infection about efficiency in other parts of my life. You have heard me lament about getting cancer in 2008 and then having a recession really hurt my retail business in 2009. You have read about my days of feeling like Job where nothing but nothing goes right. Whine, Whine Whine... blah blah blah... and then I was chatting with a friend whose life went off the rails with a bunch of things at the same time and it got me thinking. Is God (or fate, or whichever thing you believe to call it)practicing some sort of efficiency thing on me(and others of course)? Like really.... Cancer, recession and then a fire in town that has ruined sales for almost 3 months? Last week I got a sinus infection, the flu and my period all at the same time... it was like the trifecta of (not as bad as chemo) physical hellness. Last year I recall being thankful as the recession seemed to be ending that I had the recession right after cancer. Get all the hell over with at the same time. Now? I am wondering.. is God trying to test me until I "get it"? I mean, it's taken me years to get reasonably good at chi-running, and it will take longer for me to get good at total immmersion. Does God want me to "get it" in life too?? Those practices are about being able to almost let go of the body and let the mind really do the work. Being present in the work of the moment to take the body to another place, a stronger more directed energy. Efficient.

As a person with rare exception I am incredibly inefficient. I know and accept that. I don't know any way to change it really. I practice at being more efficient in some things but mostly my paperwork, my laundry, my briefcase, my car etc are in some state of disarray. I am always thinking about the next thing I have to do. For example. I am writing this blog and bedtime is rapidly approaching, and I know I have about 10 things to do before I get to go to bed. 2 of them I enjoy, 8 of them are grown uppy chores that I resent and will get done in a bad order because I hate them. Now, I feel guilty by not just stopping what I am doing to get to those chores and kidlike because I am avoiding them.. begging for 5 more minutes to just finish the blog I have been thinking about for a week. Is this blog worthwhile enough work to justify not doing my dishes? I want to watch 1 hour of television and read for a little while before sleep... is this bad? How do other grownups reconcile all of this? Do they at all? If I become a more efficient runner will I become more efficient at other things? If I make time for running will I have a messier house because I took time to run and not clean my house?.. (no, having a cleaner house is not my primary goal in life, but on occasion it would be a nice thing to have!)
I am really not the type to meditate to find better flow in my energy or chi in my open mind or whatever people that meditate seem to say they get. Long baths and quiet moments and decluttering my closets to declutter my mind etc really..not.. me...
My question to you, God and others... can a frantic, can't focus for more than 5 minutes person, collects old clothes like a thrift store chick like me find a way to be more efficient? Is this what God is telling me in his persistent, yet efficient hammering on my life?
Let me know... I'll be the one spilling blueberries all over the kitchen, trying to clean up the spilled dead plant I kicked on the way out of the door when I was already late for work.... efficient... ya ... right.

Holy, did I forget to tell you?

What a wonky few months it's been. I think I forgot to tell my bloggy peeps about the gene test results...
So, the majic answer is... there is no answer!
My gene tests are inconclusive... a big fat I have no clue Noelle, your genes are not normal.
Apparently this happens in about 5-10% of people tested.
Apparently I forgot that she mentioned this in my initial appointment. It is my humble opinion that it should be good practice to call the patient who has been waiting 14 months for test results to tell them it is normal to have an inclusive result. Given that I was a little bit post chemo and a little bit deer in headlights (where are Donny & Marie when you need them??) at the first gene counselling session I think the pre result reminder would have been helpful.
In my mind the gene test result was going to help my decision about which course to take with regards to reconstruction. I have always been fairly sure I want to either have no breasts or two breasts that match, the unbalanced thing is upsetting to me(only mildly, but "You can't chop down the Symmetry".. Thanks Jane!) ... and I thought having a positive gene test would make the decision to get the other one removed for a fresh start or maybe two new boobs. Having a negative one would help too... more for the worry side of things. Having a neutral answer is no help at all.
SOOOOO.. now I get to make the decision without the gene thing .... and always wondering if I have the gene etc etc,
Getting one new breast seems like my choice for sure now, but part of me thought it might be fun to get the other one a little bigger and have a brand new, slightly larger set.. just a little... I am not a plastic surgery kinda person, but if I am gonna have one.... what diff does it make?
Next questions I guess are weighing the risks of an implant on the healthy breast and how it will impact finding possible future cancer.

remove-a boob-a versary?

I Don't have a good word for today, but it's an anniversary of sorts. 2 years since my mastectomy. Mastectoversary? Surge-versary? Remove-a-Boob-aversary?? Thoughts?

Thanks for reading all my blethering over the years.... there is always more for me to say with regard to cancer.... bloggy readers... I can't quit uuuuuu!
Turns out it is the wedding anniversary for a couple of friends, a birthday for another, and a cancer diagnosis anniversary for one of my Cancer pals...

March 1? First meeting with a plastic surgeon about getting a new boob done!
Today? Lots of work to do after a long-ish weekend (I got one day off anyway!)
How did we celebrate? On the 13th we had our annual dinner at my old work place Lo Presti's. We ate there 2 years ago for my last meal before surgery... which happened to be our first Valentine's day date ever!
We tend to hate all the trappings of Valentine's Day and our first Valentine's day was a mess, (celebrated on the 13th "Anti-Valentine's Day" with me sending the "ugliest bouquet ever") so Anti- Valentine's day things are our gig anyway.

Happy Cancerversary to meee!