Today I feel like I can never get ahead.. financially or emotionally. I also feel like I am a whiny pain in the ass on this blog because I whine about the fact that I can never get ahead financially or emotionally.
Yesterday my precious post chemo gift kitten got really lethargic and was acting strangely, and today she is at the vet getting tests run.. since whatever is wrong has stumped the vet. Is it wrong for me to feel really really angry that not only do I have to deal with yet another financial set back with the vet bill... but also face the fact that my kitten may be soooo sick I will have to put her down? All my fault likely... I totally and utterly forgot to get her shots done...we wanted to let her have a litter of kittens and so I never took her to the vet... and I swear to GOD.. ya you.... GOD!!! that I completely forgot about the shots I was supposed to get. She kept running away and we were always so happy to get her back.. and she has been such a fun thing to have about the house with my cancer and my failing business and all it.. I just plain forgot.
What the hell is God trying to test me with anyway....For GOD'S sake... gimme a break already!!!
One of my Breast Cancer buddies died last week... she was diagnosed at the same time as all of my cancer sisters....and now she is gone. Gone from her 6 year old, gone from her husband, gone from everyone else who loves her..
I could bore you with a list a mile long to tell you all the crap that sets me back week over week over week. Heart tests are going badly, Heart tests are fine, Can't pay the rent, flood at the store, flood at my house, cat ran away, no money for groceries, can't sleep, sleep too much, can't find a babysitter, can't afford a babysitter, can't buy stock for the store, have too much stock at the store collecting dust, new bath product store opens two doors away, Someone dies, someone else dies...another local store scoops one of my product lines, toothache, earache, and on and on and on...
What is it all about? Am I at fault for all of this? Do I care too much? Maybe when all warm blooded creatures come near me I should just ignore them.. I certainly spend a lot of time mourning them, worried about them, feeding them....waiting for them...
Sometimes I am just tired. Not body tired... just emotionally wiped off the map for a few hours while I nurse the kick in the gut all these things do to me.
My mentor wonders why I don't get enough done in a week. I wonder how I even get out of bed at all.
I 've played Job in an early posting... I think I've survived the 10 calamities...someone hand me a hammer and call me Noah because building an ark would be easier than this...
I was in this musical a long time ago..still know every note..