So, on the new chemo called taxol that I started on with the last round I sleep a lot less, have a ton more energy and far fewer side effects than the last chemo cocktail I was on... The painful finger tips and insanely sore back and legs seem to be a happy trade off for the mouth sores and digestion issues from before.
Buuut.... now all the things I had no choice to avoid- a messy house, piles of unfinished paperwork, 10 -15lbs of weight gain....
The vain part of me is most upset about the weight gain. I have been eating as well as I can, but with the steroids, the chemo and the lack of activity I have gained weight faster than I could have if I had planned it intentionally. If I had known I would have had eggs benedict for breakfast, snacked on donuts and had pasta for dinner every day and at least had fun gaining this much this fast!!!
In 2001 when I was growing my business into a full time job and my son and I moved in with my mom I got fat for the first time in my life. I quit waitressing, quit smoking and sat at a computer building the business and unsuccessfully internet dating. In 2002 I woke up and realized I was the heaviest I had ever been in my life... That summer I worked hard to lose the weight and I went from a size 12 back to a size 6-8 and have stayed that way ever since.
Last week I took my summer clothes out, and could not do anything up.
If having cancer was not depressing enough, if feeling crappy all the time was not hard enough ... I have to deal with this? Is this God's idea of teaching me something?
If so, I don't get it!
As you know I feel pretty gross physically from all the chemo side effects. Everyday someone tells me I look good(and yes, EVERY time I want to punch them!) So let's analyze that shall we? I look good? as opposed to what? Looking like I could die any day now? Well, one reason my face looks good is that the chemo flushes my face with colour, puffiness, and fat... so I don't look pale and I have no wrinkles. Bald with puffy red cheeks may be a good look for a newborn but...
Oh, and the fact that I run a skin and makeup store, so I am an expert at fixing and hiding flaws on my face... and no one sees me on my worst days because I don't come out of the darned house!
Anyway, so clearly the first set off chemo drugs had me so knocked on my ass with side effects and exhaustion that I did not notice how much my body was changing. Now I have noticed I am annoyed.
Don't be surprised if you see me around town on my fun new bike, or using my son's new nordic walking poles trying to work some of the weight and frustration off. I guess, I am ultimately thankful that I have this newfound energy to even consider working out.
I have chemo #6 tomorrow, so we will see if I am right about the energy levels staying up...