Try-a-Tri-Efficiency

For those that know me, read my blethering etc know that in some parts of my recent history I was an amateur triathlete. In the tri world I am a finisher, not a placer. I compete against myself on my best days. My last two races I competed against the idea of simply finishing because I was so out of shape after 2 summers of very few workouts.
When I started training for tris in 2003 I had no clue what I was doing and my only real skill was as a long distance touring cyclist. The swimming /running crap was something I had to do to compete. I had 7 years of being a really slow runner in middle and high school and every summer swimming in a lake under my belt... but almost no real training. The coaches avoided me like the plague, I just showed up for practice every day and they let me run. I'm not sure I ever had help with my stride, or foot placement or pacing or anything of the sort.
So, in 2004ish I discovered new methods of running and swimming so I could actually train myself properly. The running method is called chi- running and the swimming method is called total immersion. Both of these methods involves allowing energy to flow through you in a more peaceful way and teaches you to use your body to be more relaxed while running or swimming. These methods are really neat because once you "get it" you can be faster and way more efficient at your sport. During triathlons using energy more efficiently is key, so you don't burn out too early in the race.

Last week I was wondering while I was sick at home with a sinus infection about efficiency in other parts of my life. You have heard me lament about getting cancer in 2008 and then having a recession really hurt my retail business in 2009. You have read about my days of feeling like Job where nothing but nothing goes right. Whine, Whine Whine... blah blah blah... and then I was chatting with a friend whose life went off the rails with a bunch of things at the same time and it got me thinking. Is God (or fate, or whichever thing you believe to call it)practicing some sort of efficiency thing on me(and others of course)? Like really.... Cancer, recession and then a fire in town that has ruined sales for almost 3 months? Last week I got a sinus infection, the flu and my period all at the same time... it was like the trifecta of (not as bad as chemo) physical hellness. Last year I recall being thankful as the recession seemed to be ending that I had the recession right after cancer. Get all the hell over with at the same time. Now? I am wondering.. is God trying to test me until I "get it"? I mean, it's taken me years to get reasonably good at chi-running, and it will take longer for me to get good at total immmersion. Does God want me to "get it" in life too?? Those practices are about being able to almost let go of the body and let the mind really do the work. Being present in the work of the moment to take the body to another place, a stronger more directed energy. Efficient.

As a person with rare exception I am incredibly inefficient. I know and accept that. I don't know any way to change it really. I practice at being more efficient in some things but mostly my paperwork, my laundry, my briefcase, my car etc are in some state of disarray. I am always thinking about the next thing I have to do. For example. I am writing this blog and bedtime is rapidly approaching, and I know I have about 10 things to do before I get to go to bed. 2 of them I enjoy, 8 of them are grown uppy chores that I resent and will get done in a bad order because I hate them. Now, I feel guilty by not just stopping what I am doing to get to those chores and kidlike because I am avoiding them.. begging for 5 more minutes to just finish the blog I have been thinking about for a week. Is this blog worthwhile enough work to justify not doing my dishes? I want to watch 1 hour of television and read for a little while before sleep... is this bad? How do other grownups reconcile all of this? Do they at all? If I become a more efficient runner will I become more efficient at other things? If I make time for running will I have a messier house because I took time to run and not clean my house?.. (no, having a cleaner house is not my primary goal in life, but on occasion it would be a nice thing to have!)
I am really not the type to meditate to find better flow in my energy or chi in my open mind or whatever people that meditate seem to say they get. Long baths and quiet moments and decluttering my closets to declutter my mind etc really..not.. me...
My question to you, God and others... can a frantic, can't focus for more than 5 minutes person, collects old clothes like a thrift store chick like me find a way to be more efficient? Is this what God is telling me in his persistent, yet efficient hammering on my life?
Let me know... I'll be the one spilling blueberries all over the kitchen, trying to clean up the spilled dead plant I kicked on the way out of the door when I was already late for work.... efficient... ya ... right.

Holy, did I forget to tell you?

What a wonky few months it's been. I think I forgot to tell my bloggy peeps about the gene test results...
So, the majic answer is... there is no answer!
My gene tests are inconclusive... a big fat I have no clue Noelle, your genes are not normal.
Apparently this happens in about 5-10% of people tested.
Apparently I forgot that she mentioned this in my initial appointment. It is my humble opinion that it should be good practice to call the patient who has been waiting 14 months for test results to tell them it is normal to have an inclusive result. Given that I was a little bit post chemo and a little bit deer in headlights (where are Donny & Marie when you need them??) at the first gene counselling session I think the pre result reminder would have been helpful.
In my mind the gene test result was going to help my decision about which course to take with regards to reconstruction. I have always been fairly sure I want to either have no breasts or two breasts that match, the unbalanced thing is upsetting to me(only mildly, but "You can't chop down the Symmetry".. Thanks Jane!) ... and I thought having a positive gene test would make the decision to get the other one removed for a fresh start or maybe two new boobs. Having a negative one would help too... more for the worry side of things. Having a neutral answer is no help at all.
SOOOOO.. now I get to make the decision without the gene thing .... and always wondering if I have the gene etc etc,
Getting one new breast seems like my choice for sure now, but part of me thought it might be fun to get the other one a little bigger and have a brand new, slightly larger set.. just a little... I am not a plastic surgery kinda person, but if I am gonna have one.... what diff does it make?
Next questions I guess are weighing the risks of an implant on the healthy breast and how it will impact finding possible future cancer.

remove-a boob-a versary?

I Don't have a good word for today, but it's an anniversary of sorts. 2 years since my mastectomy. Mastectoversary? Surge-versary? Remove-a-Boob-aversary?? Thoughts?

Thanks for reading all my blethering over the years.... there is always more for me to say with regard to cancer.... bloggy readers... I can't quit uuuuuu!
Turns out it is the wedding anniversary for a couple of friends, a birthday for another, and a cancer diagnosis anniversary for one of my Cancer pals...

March 1? First meeting with a plastic surgeon about getting a new boob done!
Today? Lots of work to do after a long-ish weekend (I got one day off anyway!)
How did we celebrate? On the 13th we had our annual dinner at my old work place Lo Presti's. We ate there 2 years ago for my last meal before surgery... which happened to be our first Valentine's day date ever!
We tend to hate all the trappings of Valentine's Day and our first Valentine's day was a mess, (celebrated on the 13th "Anti-Valentine's Day" with me sending the "ugliest bouquet ever") so Anti- Valentine's day things are our gig anyway.

Happy Cancerversary to meee!

New Boobs and a Babe?

I saw my mastectomy surgeon for my yearly check up this morning. He said everything seems fine and there were no notes from my mammogram in December. No news is good news right??
Then, I asked him about reconstruction and we chatted about types and stuff and I have been referred to a local plastic surgeon. It could be months before I can see him, and maybe months after that to get the surgery done. This sucks, but whatever. I've got bigger things (ha) to worry about in my life right now... I'll get em done sometime maybe.
Earlier this week I was watching a lot of the coverage of Haiti and the earthquake victims and wishing I could help. I had an odd but strangly not unsettling thought. I should adopt a baby from there!
If this was not a sketchy time financially and so close to a medical biggy like cancer... I'd do it in the blink of an eye.
Yup, I would!

foob in the woods

You know that pile of clothes that you've worn once, but can be worn again a couple of times but never really gets hung up or put away again until it is actually ready for the wash?
Today's bright side of cancer? In that heap of in between clothes I can always find my foob filled bra quickly 'cause when I rustle through the pile looking for it... the foob is so damn heavy the bra falls with a thud to the floor...
;)

Bushtucker

It's funny you know. Every step of this cancer "journey" has been a trial of varying degrees. Most of it manageable with sleep, or tears or medication or gnashing of teeth. If you have read this blog from the beginning then you know the horrors I went through.
Tomorrow I get to take another step. I got a call to see my gene counsellor and I assume that I will receive the results from my long awaited breast cancer test when I see her tomorrow. I won't be holding my breath given the massive screw ups the cancer centre has offered me in the past. Maybe she just wants to have tea. ;)

Let's just assume shall we that my gene test result is sitting on her desk tonight and I will have the results in my hand by 2-ish tomorrow? That's my hope anyway. If I have the breast cancer gene I may likely choose to have my other breast removed among other things because my risk for more cancer would be higher.

I've been thinking lately, about 2009 and 2008 and how things simply must get better soon. '08 was my year of having cancer, then 8 weeks after chemo ended the press started talking about a recession in Canada. Sooo, '09 has been the year of desperately tap dancing to keep my business afloat and my store from going under. I was angry for awhile... thinking how unfair it was that the recession came right on the heels of a major personal health upheaval. Really? I kept saying... really???
Right after cancer you give me nail biting financial strife and many sleepless nights wondering what the future is supposed to hold for me, my business and my son.
Now... I say BRING. IT. ON!!! Because I can take anything! and this time I am a force to be reckoned with!

2010? Do you hear that? I am not going to take your crap!

Over the last few weeks I have been watching a new friend of mine on one of those reality shows where they are stranded in the jungle with very little food or amenities. Their only option to get food was to do these crazy challenges like eating cockroaches and untying knots in pools full of baby crocodiles. Watching the TV show (suspending my disbelief of course)I saw my friend go through all manner of emotional and physical states in 20 days some of it heart wrenching some if it exhilarating as I watched him survive hunger, conquer old fears, endure bullying from other participants and in the end come out saying what an amazing experience it was and how he has grown and changed for the better...

I know already that having cancer clarified a lot of stuff for me personally. I believe that seeing my store through a recession will allow me to have some more clarity professionally... boring perhaps but really, really huge for me.

Are you listening 2010?? I ran the gauntlet of 2008! I drank the cockroach puree of 2009... I punched those stupid crocodiles on my way into the depths of hell and I am still here!

I am sooo ready to be voted off the island and get back to normal... whatever that is..;)
I'll keep you posted about the gene test tomorrow...

3 years

3 years ago today my beloved Mummy died after a long, long 5 years with cancer, chemo and all the horrors that go with that. There but for the grace of God..... but anyone who reads my infrequent blogging knows that I am still here... alive and kicking. But today's blog is not really about me.
Because I live in the house she spent her last days in I see her in everything and life has thrown me some curve balls lately so she is closer than ever.

My dearest Mummy, I have you with me with every stir of a pot, with every thread in a needle, with every clank of a glass. Your words spring from my mouth and my son looks at me like I am crazy, just like I must have to you....I have collected people in my life who say canny, and besom and twee and my chip pan is full of lard. My dishes aren't done, and I work too much but the food is good and I am teaching Luke to cook. Now because of a strange but neccesary turn of events in my business I will be following in the footsteps of Grump(my Mum's Dad for those readers who don't know), Uncle Gordon and you and with your old black hairdressing scissors in my hand I'll be cutting hair. There are lots of moments I wish you were here. There are lots of moments I know you are here and with every snip I have a feeling I will know more and more....