This Blogger needs to be fired

Today, I won't bore you with why I haven't blogged in forever.... but the news you need to know now is that a) we have moved the store to 53 King Street west, Dundas... just up the street from the old place. This wee spot is only temporary, until we find te right place to house both our store and new curly hair salon. b) in the meantime, we are cutting curly (and any other kind) hair in my house weekly.
Let me know if you need a haircut... more later. I PROMISE!!!!
I had some minor surgery this week... NOT cancer related... just to remove a kidney stone the size of Texas.... and I am still messy on pain killers...

I stole a saying...

A few days ago a fellow Breast Cancer friend came home from several months away only to find her ceiling collapsed into her tub. After 18 hours of flying she said all she wanted was a shower. When she walked in to find the tub filled with plaster she laughed out loud and said all she could think was " It's not Cancer!"
So, this past few weeks I have used that term many times over.
Of course, it's along the same lines as "This too shall Pass" and other sayings but after cancer.. "it's not cancer" is a pretty good way to benchmark bad shit that hits the fan of your life.
After my elusive and ever argued about vacation I came home to assume the position of head packer, paperwork juggler, painter, designer, box mover etc etc in the month of moving our store into a new location.
In the 10 days since my return I have been accused of subletting and slander. I had to learn the deeper meaning of the terms Fire Separation, Commercial Building Code, Zoning Variance, Change of Use, and the worst of all? Waiting Period after Waiting Period. I have had to call and re- call and pretend to happily sing song my way through Voice Mails with the banks and other financial people tapdancing my way through the mire of Liens and Loans and Lawyers. Drafts and Drawings and Designers and Architects and Proposals and on and on are on my doorstep for tomorrow.
22 days is all we have left in the current store and due to misinformation from the city, misfiled paperwork within the bank and a pile of other messes it is unlikely we will be open for quite a while after we are out of this building. Not sure what I will do yet. Not sure of anything really.
I just have to continue to pretend it's all in a days work and keep dancing.

You can't tell me how to relax

No, go back and read that again... seriously... how nuts is it that someone should be able to tell another how to relax?
So, here's the story: I'm on a vacation of sorts. A chosen trip to a Cottage Country location in Ontario to a not chosen by me location on a not very good week. Let me explain. 2 years ago during cancer I found this organization that matches donated summer cottages to recovering cancer patients(see the link here) You must be out of treatment and ok to care for yourself and you go to whichever place matches your available dates. I did not finish treatment until August of '08 so that summer was out. Last summer we could not match any dates so we tried for this summer, but couldn't match any dates for when Luke was not at camp. So, we chose this week and I am here alone. Tim had to work so that was that, I travel alone to the cancer cottage or not at all.
If you’ve been following the story of the store you will know that we just signed the lease for a new location as our lease is up in our current place and the landlord is not renewing. I take the new place on Aug 1 and have to leave the current place on Sept 1.
This is the only week in the whole summer that I had nothing else going on except for planning the new store front/ new salon. Taking a vacation on the last week of July is far from ideal. Planning a new salon build and store set up and move in only 30 days is going to be a feat of amazing organization and luck. I can’t really be here and not at least work a little. So you don’t get to ride me about working.
Here I am in the middle of nowhere doing what other people (in Ontario anyway)seem to do on their weekends to relax. I am at a cottage on a lake. I drove for 4 hours to get here, immediately set myself up to read my book on the beach and listened to the many nearby neighbours bark at the dog, yell at their kids, start up the motorboats etc etc….. this is relaxing? My backyard is quieter! Thankfully most of those people left on yesterday (Sunday) and the place is pretty quiet. The cottage is simple and clean, but hot and badly designed for airflow. I spent all day today either sleeping late or reading outside except for checking the internet for messages and things about once every two hours. Don’t ever forget I am not only a single mom 7 days a week; I am also a boss 7 days a week. In the same way that there is no parent for Luke when I am not around, there is no one in charge of the store when I am away either. I have staff, but no one has financial authority over my business but me. If I left the store for a real vacation there would be no stock on the shelves, no bills paid, no taxes filed etc… So, for me to be fully relaxed and work free I have to have no kid and the store has to be closed. So far this calendar year that has happened all of once. God Bless you moms who can be relaxed with your kids around but I can’t, not for more than a few hours.

So, earlier while surfing the internet, something I do for fun…. I posted a link related to work on my facebook page and got lambasted for not relaxing/ communing with nature using the computer too much etc etc…. I am here to tell you that having other people telling me to relax had the exact opposite effect !!!! It just made me mad! I know, you all meant well, care about me and all that…. But go ahead baaaaack to the top of the page and tell me how it is ok for me to follow someone else’s rules to relaxation?
The fact is…. When I am at work and I’m on the internet you should be telling me to not use the computer because I like it that much! The idea of being able to use the internet with no outside pressure to stop or rules about what I should or should not look at is fun for me! As for the whole nature thing… between running on secluded trails and gardening I likely spend more time outdoors than most people… and yelling neighbours and motorboats are not what nature is about for me.
So this week it will be my rules. I will sleep, eat, surf the internet, work, read, as much or as little as I want… when I want, how I want and you don’t get to make me feel bad about any of it…. That, to me is relaxing. So there!
Now, I was trying to go to sleep early…. But y’all made me mad so I stayed up and wrote this!
SNAFU as always. Gnight!

Somewhere there's music !

For years I've been trying to work out where in my life I can fit music in. I'm not much of a music listener I have discovered. Not the same way other people listen. If I don't like the melody or the beat I stop listening. I don't hear words, never have. Maybe that comes with learning to sing/ read music earlier than/about the same time as I learned how to read words. Or maybe since I learned a lot of music at that age in either old hymnal english, or in Latin, German, Italian, Handelspeak etc I never knew half of what I was singing about.
I played the violin for a while as a young child, but I understand I hated the sound and I know it hurt my chin. Seriously, dig your nails into your chin, plug your nose and sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, over and over and OVER again... and tell me that would inspire you to like anything about the experience!
I played the trumpet in high school music class(doesn't everyone that doesn't know what to play have to play the trumpet in high school music?)
I played the piano for 9 or so years and still suck. I played the guitar for a year of adult night classes. None of it stuck.
I sing though. I sing everyday, all the time to any music around me. I don't need to know the words(see above) just have to have heard the melody a few times. I'm a pretty good singer. 16+ years in choirs here and there, a bunch of years of singing lessons and solo work with a few choirs. Turns out though, I am a cruddy solo performer. I have this humiliating habit of bursting into tears when I perform in public. I think I've blogged about this before, it's a parent/memories/ deep subconcious thing . I'm sure shock therapy will cure it, but I hope more practice will too.
I also did about 4000 dance classes starting at 4 and not stopping until 20 something... I never got really good at that either, but I sure loved it. My FAIL was tap dancing. My ankles are ballet dancer tight and not loose enough to be a great tapper. I was very frustrated. I've always loved the idea of tap dancing. I don't care if I ever perform it, just want to do it.
Soooo, the whole inspiration for this post was to tell myself to just DO it! I want to sing, and I want to dance. I only have time/ money to take one class per season. I wonder which one I should start with....
Watch this, it's fun..

Livestrong asked this today

How do you show your support for people affected by cancer?

My reply:
Well chosen comments(I listened to a myriad of stupid ones when I had it) an open door to a shoulder to cry on and/ or an ear to bend. Lastly, advice and stories of my experiences and knowledge if they want it.

out of the sandbox

HI y'all, I think I've turned the corner from the funk I was in during the last post. I seem to be standing next to the stinky sandbox staring at it. I managed a work out this week, and think I am off for another right now. I read this post by Jillian Michaels this morning and thought it was worth sharing. I love how she breaks down how sugars process in your body. I knew high fructose corn syrup was bad, but I did not understand it fully.

Have you cut all the junk food out of your life? Or 90% anyway...? You know my rule? 10% of life, food, skin care, etc.. should be no holds barred, do what you want and don't stress about it, but the other 90 should be fully under your control. I think I ate my 10% or more in candy last week, this week I have to be a little stricter. I think a walk in the woods up to the peak is in order.
Now, read this:

Dump the Most Evil Sweetener of All
In the late seventies, less than 15 percent of Americans were obese. Thirty years later, 32 percent of us are obese. What happened between then and now? First, the idea became popular that fat was evil and "low fat" diets were best. Whenever possible, fat was removed from processed foods and replaced with sugars and other carbs. At the same time, high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS) got really cheap and became food manufacturers' go-to sweetener.
Since the days of the low-fat diet craze, we've learned not only that fat doesn't make you fat but that refined carbohydrates like sugar and HFCS do. Oops! A lot of damage has been done, but we can work with our hormones to teach our bodies to react to food the way they did before we overwhelmed our insulin response systems.
A good place to start is to get rid of HFCS. This evil sweetener is incredibly damaging to your metabolism, and it's everywhere. Researchers at Tufts University report that Americans consume more calories from soda and other sweet drinks (which invariably contain tons of HFCS) than from any other source.
You may have seen a commercial run by the Corn Refiners Association that tries to convince you that people who think HFCS is bad for you are paranoid; it suggests that most people can't even say why HFCS is bad for you. Well, here's your answer (tell your friends!): HFCS boosts your fat-storing hormones and makes you fat. Glucose (what table sugar is turned into in your body) is metabolized by all your cells, but fructose (the "F" in HFCS) must be metabolized in the liver. Because of this, HFCS somehow tricks the body into not releasing insulin and leptin, two essential hormones that are usually released after you eat. Without insulin, your body can't use those HFCS calories for energy, and without leptin, your body doesn't know it's full. Plus, unlike table sugar, HFCS doesn't stop levels of ghrelin, your hunger hormone, from rising. If you eat or drink HFCS, you'll actually continue to consume more calories, even 24 hours later, than you would had you just eaten plain table sugar. HFCS also increases triglycerides (a type of blood lipid), which prevent leptin from signaling the brain to stop eating.
I have zero tolerance for HFCS. For me, it's a code word for poison, so toss it!
JILLIAN'S TIP OF THE DAY
Where HFCS Hides

HFCS is one of the cheapest ingredients in our food supply, so companies that make processed food have managed to put it in practically everything we eat! Even something like lunch meat can have HFCS in it, so check your labels. Here are just a few other examples of foods that can contain HFCS: breakfast cereal, canned baked beans, cereal bars, crackers, cookies, English muffins, hot dog and hamburger buns, jams and jellies, peanut butter, pickles, protein bars, and salad dressings. Even some organic foods have it (using organic corn), so you can never really be safe unless you look at the ingredients list. Buying whole, unprocessed foods will help you eliminate the problem!


Crazy huh? TTYL!

I don't feel like it!! aka Can we fix it? aka There should be crying in baseball

Pick your preferred title for this one. I couldn't decide.
Today, last week.. lately has kinda sucked. Not sucked in the way that getting cancer or having chemo sucked... but yet.. it sucked.
There were lots of high points too, but today we are talking about suckage. I know suckage is not a word, but it seems to work here.
I don't really get depressed, or so I have always thought. I get knocked over, I get up, dust off and I keep going. Today, honestly I don't feel like it. I don't feel like getting up. I feel like sitting in the mud puddle in this sandbox not caring that there is cat poo in the sand and rain falling on my head.
A friend is dying of breast cancer and I am scared and sad for her. I am scared and sad for all the other people who have this cruddy disease. I am scared for myself and feeling kind of ashamed of feeling that when I am not the one dying. I am mad at the people who say things like " you beat cancer" when they have no idea whether I or any other cancer patient has cancer growing in them at this very moment.
I'm really, really angry at the fact that my business is so painfully slow I can barely pay my staff. I'm angry at myself for having a business that is not going well, because I am the owner and there is really no one else to blame it on. I am angry that cancer, recession, cash flow, taxes and all the other crap that makes being in business really hard is not helping things go well. I waffle between blaming external forces for my business being slow and blaming myself, where in reality it is a combination of many things, a great number of which I have little control over.

Last week I got to see my best friend from college days in New York City before she moved to Australia. It was so incredibly great to see her I cannot tell you. Although it made me acutely aware of my lack of perfect friends that actually live nearby, and yes I feel guilty that I feel that. I was alone for a lot of the trip in order to stay near her and be available when she had time to hang out. The airline lost my luggage and the sales were so bad at the store I really couldn't afford to buy new clothes so I wore mostly the same clothes for 3 days. I budgeted for a few small things and my meals and not much else. Add those things to the standard overtiredness from planning a trip and travelling to some bad news I got the day before I left and it added up to a physically and emotionally draining trip.

The biggest business news of late is that I have to move my store to another location. My landlord has let us know that he is not renewing our lease in September. This is cruddy, but after a few tears and annoyance I know this is going to be ok. The store has been good but not great,and we can find a place to include the curly hair services we have been working toward offering. This location seems great but has never given us the sales for the price we pay for it. The day before I left for my trip I found out that the landlord has apparently signed a lease for this space with another tenant in this building, a tenant who has only been here for a year whose business has been promoted readily by me since the day they opened. The details are unimportant but it looks quite likely that the tenant and the landlord have planned this for more than a year. Maybe they haven't, it's just how it looks. So, from my point of view it feels like I have been played for a fool and all along the other guy has known he was taking over the storefront I have spent 5 years pouring my time, energy and money into.

C'est la Vie! Can we Fix it? YES WE CAN! ... this I am not worried about. BUT today it is another bit of cat poop in my sandbox, another rain cloud over my head, another shovel of suckage to add to my pile.
I am not a get even kind of person. I don't give much time to anger or lengthy bouts of sadness. If I feel those things I feel them, scream at someone or cry a bit, work it out and move along. Not this time. I don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything that isn't absolutely imperative, well except for eating lots and lots of candy, that- I seem to be accomplishing very well. I don't feel like doing anything except for staying up late and watching crappy TV and sleeping late to make up for it. I don't want to be nice to anyone, or pretend that I am in a good mood. I just want to do stuff that makes me happy and pretend everything else can be put off.
I was raised by a mom who acted like making mud pies with her children and teaching the neighbourhood kids to waltz was far more important than grocery shopping, cleaning or any of the other trappings of a real grown up life. I think she was right in so many ways about priorities, but sadly my life does not lend itself to this kind of flighty behaviour as often I would like. I wonder if she was like this to avoid the grown up stuff, the suckage. I do think sometimes that I go to this mindset as default, as protection from the suckage.
Since I am already sitting in the mudpuddle in the sandbox and all.. I guess I could just start making mud pies... that would be an efficient use of time huh?(see previous post on efficiency) Ah well, just writing all this down has perked me up a bit, I kicked come cat poo out of my sandbox, brushed some sand off my foot... but don't worry, I will never, no matter how bad things get bury my head in the sand.

Oh, and as for the crying in baseball thing... I thing a lot more things would go better for a lot of people if tears were more acceptable in stressful situations. I would be happy to not cry at weddings if only it were ok for me to cry in a business meeting when things are not going well.