Noëlle Smith's Personal Bloggy Bits

Oranges and lemons, Say the bells of St. Clements...

2011-10-27T20:16:00.000-04:00

I eat a lot of apples. They are the only thing that was not on my diet this spring/ summer that I really missed. Since my eating plan has very little sugar in it, I ate very little fruit until it came into season and was locally grown... and even then I ate very little fruit. The apple is a very convenient little thing, add a little nut butter and you've got an almost complete meal that you can eat in about 4 minutes. For me at this time of year as a buy retailer a full meal in 4 minutes is worth it's weight in gold!
Since apple season is upon us I have given up my ban on them and consumed them like crazy! Spy's, Russets, Macintosh, Cortlands all kinds of fun ones. Last week I sent my staff to get my apples from the Dundas Farmers' market. I told him to get a mix of eating apples. They were all fine, but he brought me some yellow delicious apples. I have often wondered what God was thinking in calling the Delicious apple "Delicious" ... because to me it really isn't. The red delicious apple tastes kind of like a characature of an apple... almost like it's trying to say HI I'M A RED APPLE! I'M DELICIOUS... and that's all it's got. No great flavour, No tartness, too sweet etc... Just an all around average apple. But the Yellow Delicious? Really? That's an apple? It's like the apple that got forgotten when they gave all the other apples their character. It's like the plain Jane, wallflower, go on don't mind me I'm a boring apple apple. It's like the red delicious had an affair with the half dead house plant in the corner and spawned a sweet, but flavourless pasty looking child.
Just my opinion of course...
;)

Run Forest Run! aka Running in the Forest

2011-08-02T22:53:00.000-04:00

So, I don't blog much. Mea Culpa. Sorry to you poor buggers out there who like to read my blether.
Today I went for a run. Strangely... my first real run of the season. I used to run quite a lot. Last year was my summer of the least fitness since I quit smoking(August 2000 yay me!), other than my summer 2008 when I hung out at "Camp Chemo" and even that summer I did a little triathlon. Last year was the first year in 7 that I did only one race(stupid grown up life gettin' in my way) I did a ton of awesome snowshoeing in the winter and joined a crossfit gym as the cold rainy horror we called spring happened in Ontario. My friend Glenn had been talking about his gym, so I tried it for a few weeks and loved it.
During the crossfit initiation period there was a lot of running, jumping, weight lifting and sweating. I was in a class with people that seemed to like it, but I haven't seen them since that first 6 week Boot Camp class. The weather got better, I still never went for a run. Lots of reasons, few of them good... but I didn't run. One reason was I was trying an experiment from a book I read, a body hack if you will.
The idea was that I could lose fat with some simple, short weight workouts (similar to some crossfit principals)most especially including kettlebell swings. I joined the Boot camp class just a few weeks before I read the book, so I started the eating plan and the class within a week of each other. Somewhere in there I started to see results with a lower fat percentage, and I was losing inches in some places, and gaining them in other cool ones. I also fell in love with kettlebells.
But the running, the whole point of the bloody blether... the running in my class was short, 100-400m type stuff, mixed with sets with my beloved bells...
I've known since my cross-county running days at Parkside that intervals were important to running. There's lots of current articles on Tabata type running workouts and 200m sprints until you barf... but in high school in the 1980's we had the pleasure of doing the fartlek. If we could get through the workout without laughing outloud at the name, it was a hell of a workout. Fartlek's never made me faster I don't think, but my coaches spent time with the naturally faster, taller (and in my mind prettier)girls so getting fast wasn't gonna happen without more help. Maybe if Uncle Ed gave me a kettlebell to swing while he coached Debbie Perfect, and one of those other tall blondies ;) I would have been happier, or stronger or somethin'

I'm not a fast runner. I run alone mostly, and until recently didn't track my speeds or distances. I have always run for time, to train for triathlons and to hide in the woods without anything bugging me from work or the aformentioned pesky grown up life.
I knew about a month ago that crossfit classes were making my running better so I tested my endurance on a short 20m/3k run AFTER a 45m long killer crossfit class and I was kinda stunned I could actually finish the planned 20m. Today, I aimed for 30m, but used a light kettlebell workout to warmup. At 25m I decided I was aiming for 40m. Did it.
So, with only a 3k run under my belt since LAST fall, I kicked through a 5k with little grief. I may not walk well tomorrow and I know from the tight feeling in my core that I "kept my chi" through the run.
I also did the whole thing "barefoot" in my VFF's which were not ideal for the gravelly trail I was on but... I did it.

Crossfit rocks...
Oh ya... oops...forgot... my speed on todays run was a PB for average speed for all my tracked runs of the last year sans that one race. That race? At a high school reunion... and one of the many tall blondies from my old team won. Some things change.... and some things never, ever will. ;)

It's a Girl! ;) Exciting ellënoire news!

2011-05-17T17:29:00.000-04:00

After almost 9 months of waiting & hoping ellënoire is finally ready to birth its new permanent location! We’ve secured a spot at the Dundas Post Office which is under construction to become a new shopping destination in a stunning old stone building. You will have to wait until late summer to see our new baby because she needs to be dressed up perfectly for your first visit. The new Boutique will include everything we do currently: Handmade Bath Products & Custom Scenting plus your favourite Bath & Body Brands like Badger Balm, Vermont Soap & of course the DevaCurl products along with an exciting addition…a baby sister if you will.

We will continue to offer Curly Hair Services: cutting & colouring but in a full service salon right inside our boutique. The Sulfate Free Curly Hair services we have offered for the last year in our private salon are so popular we cannot keep up, some of our non-curly clients are getting in on the sulfate free action too! We will be cutting right up to the day of the move, & selling products at 2 Cross St, Dundas so don’t worry, you can still get your ellënoire fix of the fun & functional things you love & enjoy a frizz free summer.

Our website, email & phone number will remain the same as always http://www.ellenoire.com/, ellenoire@ellenoire.com, 905 627 9379

Come & see us at 2 Cross St soon & look for the news of our opening dates at the Post Office!

Store news

2011-04-25T13:55:00.002-04:00

Dear Customers, Friends and DevaCurl Enthusiasts,
I’m writing to fill you in on news.
Do not worry, WE ARE NOT CLOSING!
This is news about our upcoming location which will house the Ellënoire Boutique along with a brand new Natural & Curly Hair Salon. Our current location at 53a King Street west was only a temporary location as many of you know. We will be closing this location on Saturday April 30. 5 more shopping days!

We are currently negotiating with a new landlord to move to another location in downtown Dundas. Unfortunately due to some timing issues it appears we will be without a street front location for a few weeks. Do not worry, WE ARE NOT CLOSING!
Over the next little while you will be able to get your favourite products in several different ways. Our website http://www.ellenoire.com will remain active, and we will make arrangements for local customers to have their products available for pick up at a central location or in some cases delivered. Do not worry, you will not be charged the shipping fees you see on the website.

Our part time private Deva inspired curly hair salon will also remain open with cutting dates in May & June in both our St Catharines and Dundas based locations.
Please feel free to ask questions, and we wish this situation was a little different, but the details are beyond our control.
In the meantime everything in the store is on SALE. I’d rather sell it than move it!
Getting in touch with me by email will be ellenoire@ellenoire.com.
We’ll see you soon!

Sincerely, Noëlle & the ellënoire staff

Nasty is not welcome here

2011-04-06T17:44:00.000-04:00

I have been avoiding blogging like the plague for awhile. Not fair to my readers and really, not fair to me. I like blogging. I like talking about the things that are important to me.
There was an Anonymous comment on my last entry that made me give a second look at a lot of stuff with regard to how I communicate and how it affects other people. I didn't really come up with anything that I want to change, but I am trying to pay a little more attention to how public I am about my feelings and opinions.
Anonymous, whoever you are. You are not my friend. Whatever possessed you you say what you did I am not sure, but clearly you are angry at me, or the world or something. I have never, not once blamed anyone for my getting cancer and anyone who is really close to me knows that.
My only reply to you is that perhaps you should read the title of this blog again. This blog is mine, and I can say whatever I want here and I will continue to do so. Nasty is not welcome here. Many people have told me to ignore your comment, sadly I am far too emotional for that.

Anyway, I am back. I had a bunch of cancer appointments since I last wrote and so far things are ok. I don't have to see the onco for another 10 months. I got to schedule my mammogram at another hospital. Now, I don't have to go back to the horrible Juravinski Hospital Breast Cancer Centre after they treated me and many other women so badly in January. I saw my breast surgeon and he says I am a good candidate for breast reconstruction.
I'm not sure how or when we can schedule reconstruction this year, but I'm going to try. I want to race in some triathlons and/or ride some long bike tours this season and we have to move the store again soon so it will hard to manage multiple surgeries and recovery periods.
I started a fabulous new eating plan a couple of weeks ago to get rid of the last 10-15lbs that I put on during surgery, recovery and chemo in 2008.I'm going to start talking about it on this blog really soon I think. As far as I can tell it's a fantastic plan for everyone , and if it can get rid of this impossible chemo weight I will shout it from the rooftops. I feel great and a lot healthier. More on that very soon I promise.

Shut uuuuup! You're alive!

2011-02-23T10:05:00.000-05:00

Oh man, this'll be a doozy 'cause y'all soooo did not get what I was saying yesterday. Most days my reaction to people and all their whining amounts to one thing. SHUT UP! YOUR'RE ALIVE!!

I'm glad you enjoyed your Family Day. It's not like I didn't enjoy my extra day off either, but I just didn't see the point. In the big picture. I'm exhausted to the very core listening to people act like they are entitled to long weekends and short Fridays and blah blah blah. No, that day off was a priveledge. Oh, sorry you really "needed" that long weekend? FOR WHAT? To whine that it was cold out? To drive to Buffalo and spend your money there, not stimulating your home economy AGAIN? Did you have a great big "Family" dinner? (LOL! see previous blog entry re cooking a Family) As far as I know the airports weren't brimming with family members racing home to be together for Family Day weekend. NO! 'cause we only just annoyed each other over how to mash the damned potatoes 6 weeks ago at Christmas! I was a lovely day off but an unneccesary one in my opinion...

In my town the weekend mangled the economy of many small retailers. Typical long weekend stuff. Friday was dead, Saturday was dead, Sunday was dead and Monday we were closed. We still had to pay staff for the holiday too...
I understand there was a huge mall in Toronto that was open, and did a booming business. Hooray! Except for as a small business I can't afford the fines I would have to pay to be open on a stat holiday.

Yesterday was also quiet, apparently due to the fact that it was cold out. IT'S BLOODY FEBRUARY OF COURSE IT'S COLD OUT DEAL WITH IT!
Weather Whining is constant. I think some people just have the need to complain that it's hot, or cold, or the sun is shining in their eyes or something negative about the weather. Perhaps it's facebook, perhaps I just have to many "friends" and seeing over half of these people post negative crap about the weather makes me want to scream! I have to work today, but the sun outside is gorgeous and I would kill for the time to be outside in it. Instead I am writing to you. ;p

Someone posted this yesterday and started an interesting fall out on Facebook: "Happiness is a choice" I basically rung in with... "well duh!" Anyone knows that.... realizing of course(after being yelled at by a very unhappy person) that some people never ever work that out. My whole point here is (sadly) the name of a Hannah Montana song. Life's what you make it! Take what you have and make it the best you can. There will always be something in everyday that will suck, but there will ALWAYS be something in everyday that is great too! You don't NEED a vacation or a day off or a shopping spree. You don't NEED a specially designated day to celebrate having a family. You don't NEED much other than food on the table, a roof over your head and maybe one or two people on the planet that care about you. And some people never get this. Some people had no family at all on "Family Day" (are you finally getting that the name bugs me more than the day off???)
My Cancer group friend Dana, the one that died this week was one of the happiest people I've ever met. Through 5 or so years of cancer treatment she was still happy! My mom was the same during her treatment. They were physically uncomfortable, in pain, pissed off, scared but somehow through all of it they found ways to be happy. Dana didn't need "Family day" to celebrate family, not at all.
Accepting the hand you are dealt is the only way to function I think. Bitch and moan all you want, but if you really believe the outside stuff like time off work and new shoes will help then try it, but trust me it doesn't help. Miserable? Call that friend you haven't seen in awhile. Hungry? Well, likely there's something in your fridge to eat even if it's not the thing you are craving. I think you get the picture.

Oh and before you say it... anyone who knows me knows that I bitch and moan about a lot of stuff but to me it helps to get it out "better out than in" I like to say...
Winter Haters, this is for you. Yes, you can bitch and moan too, I get that... but seriously do you have to do it all the time? Taking your Vitamin D is good for you it will help you get through the hard season S.A.D and all that.. but you still can't live without sunshine! Go outside!!! 10 minutes a day it will help! Just "wear more wool" as my mother would say...
Really, much of the time you are the ones I want to say SHUT UP!!! YOU'RE ALIVE to.

Today, I will spend a lot of time thinking of an very old friend whose infant son was sick with cancer the same time I was. Somewhere in this blog I think I mentioned him. Yesterday was the third anniversary of his diagnosis, just a few weeks after mine. He died, I didn't. I will never ever, ever, no matter how hard I try be able to think of what the heck to say to his mom without feeling crappy that he died.... and that I didn't. Ya, survivor's guilt, I know... not much I can do about it... but it sucks. So, I will be sure to think about Harry when I go out in the sunshine for my 10 minutes(or more if I have time) and remind myself "Shut up.... You're alive!"

Family Day?

2011-02-22T12:36:00.000-05:00

So, in Ontario yesterday we had a statutory holiday called "Family Day". A day to "celebrate family" I for one am not sure why it exists. I understand there had been some strife over the fact that we didn't have a statutory holiday in the month of February so we had to create one. The US get's President's Day so we should get a holiday too!? It's not a federal thing, we still got mail, you could still get a passport. I bet those people in those jobs would have liked to spend the day with family but too bad for them!
In my opinion most Canadians work too little anyway. Two days off a week, two weeks of vacation plus dental, prescription, etc etc benefits. Nice gig if you can get it! What the hell do you need yet another day off for? To sit around and do nothing? To have yet another dinner with people you are related to that you may or may not like? Family day was created to get your votes and that's all. Do you really need more than 30% of the month off? Because in this 28 day month that's what you got!

Family Day? *Raspberry* at you!!

Sure, I'm cynical but I'm the one who saw almost no family support during my cancer treatment. My Dad and son were around and I was grateful for that help... but my brother, my sister and most of my "family" didn't bother to call, let alone show up. I only just found out that the bulk of the family on mom's side didn't even know I was ill.... due to the fact that one family member that did know " didn't feel like talking about it" so didn't tell anyone else!

Family Day? In a time where family-as we like to pretend it -means so little. People duct taping their babies to walls and chairs. Same Sex families having trouble getting married, adopting children, sharing their partner's/ spouses benefits, next of kin rights etc. The family unit as the movies tell us it should be barely exists so telling us when and how to "celebrate family" is crap to me.
If you aren't celebrating the people you love you shouldn't get to have a them. If you need the government to ask you to vote for a day to spend with your family then you clearly need to spend more time with your family on a day to day basis anyway!

I have a family, a small number of them are here where I live, some are blood some are not. I have family in lots of other places too. Glasgow, Texas, New York, Australia and many places in between. My cancer family is with me today because we lost another one of our group this week. Dana succumbed to the breast cancer that spread to her brain on Sunday.
Personally I have a long list of other things I would like to have a special day for:

-Stimulate the economy day -EVERYONE Gets a half day off, all the stores are open and we have to SPEND money in Canada on Canadian goods. So sorry, no spending money in the US today... or Walmart for that matter.
-Kids go to school but Parents get the day off day!Going back to bed required.
--People should spend more money in my store so I can go to Texas for a funeral day.

But really folks. You got your day off. With no traditions to follow like we do on Easter, or Christmas what did you do? What meal did you cook? Turkey? Ham?
What does one slow roast in the oven on Family Day? A Family? ;)
*rant over*

Blue Moon? Twice?

2011-02-15T21:00:00.003-05:00

Someone is trying to tell me something! Is it time for a trip to Vermont? Is it time to have some hangout time with my old pal Howard?
Last night I heard my beloved Dissipated 8 sing on my ipod. I hear them a lot, I have a few of their "albums" on there. But last night I heard Blue Moon twice in a row and two different versions both on the way somewhere and on the way back. 4 Blue Moon's? There wasn't a Blue Moon in the sky. Nothing odd had happened. Strange. But, I sang along happily anyway. I know both versions like I was in the group myself.That couldn't have happened of course, because I'm a girl and the "D8" is a male a cappella group from my alma mater Middlebury College.
I had been a huge fan of traditional barber shop quartet, a cappella group type music for as long as I could recall and that type of music has always been performed by various male groups in New England Colleges for and close to 100 years when I was in school and I loved the sound, the tradition and the goofy old songs.
I auditioned for the school's female counterpart The Mischords, didn't get in and that was the end of my college a capella dreams. So, for years I was involved in as many D8 events as I could be: initiations, reunions both official and unofficial. I was the ultimate hanger on, a groupie from hell. I developed humiliating and mind numbing crushes on a member or two... a few hearts got broken along the way but although I have many stories ....what happens with the D8 stays with the D8... right boys? ;)
A big part of the memories I shared with the D8 boys was the house on the Middlebury Campus where my friend Howard stayed when he was Chaplain at the school. There were lots of meals and parties shared there and a few impromptu sing alongs in the kitchen in that house, where I got to sing with the boys as I had always dreamed of doing.
So, today when this very special article about Howard showed up I knew someone had to be telling me something. I haven't decided what, but I think at the least it's time to plan some get togethers with my old D8 pals, who I only get to see.... wait for it.... Once in a Blue Moon!
This isn't my old Gang, but some youngn's carrying on the tradition in fine form.

Cancerversary the Third.... what do I get??

2011-02-15T17:10:00.000-05:00

Today is the 3rd anniversary of my mastectomy. If you care to know the history go back to the beginning of this blog and you can learn it all.
In Cancer patient lingo many of us call this a Cancerversary.
To me, todays anniversary is the most important one since it's the day they cut the cancer out and threw it in the trash! Technically it is the day I can refer to myself as Cancer Free (although it took almost 2 years for me to get my stupid oncologist to use the words "Cancer Free" with me) so to me it's the key day to celebrate! 3 years cancer Free is a good number. I understand at 5 years I can stop worrying about the 2008 diagnosed cancer having spread to anywhere else-although I will always be higher risk to get new cancer than a person that has never had it...

Yesterday I found out a loyal client died in the fall from his dance with cancer. I never knew his name, just who he was, what he bought and that he had a nasty, nasty cancer that was similar to my stepfather's. He came in a few times a year since we opened(8 years ago) to buy bath bombs for his sister up North. RIP Bath Bomb guy. I hope you and your Harley have Friday the 13th everyday in heaven....
This week my cancer sisters and I learned that our glorious sister Dana may not have long left to remain in this world. Her cancer did spread, and she likely has no more cancerversaries to share with us, and her loving family. God, I have one request today: Dana has a grandbaby coming any day now and she needs to see it before she goes, can you make that happen?

Cancer, I hate your guts and it's my cancerversary so I'm going to get presents today... I just know it! For a wedding the Traditional 3rd Anniversary Gift is Leather. Can someone give me a leather whip so I can take a crack at cancer over and over and over again? Let me at ya Cancer, I'll do a KKK all over your stupid ass! Hang you by your wrists from a tree and whip you 'til you're bloody and raw and have no energy to fight back... Call me Massa while I'm at it will ya? Let me hear you say it while I whip you! "Yes Massa, I will leave your friends alone!"
"No Massa, I will not go into any more people's bodies and fight to take them from their loved ones!"

The Modern 3rd Anniversary Gift is Crystal (or Glass). Can someone give a Crystal vase to smash into shards so I can go all bar fight nuts and shred Cancer to death? I'll rip and stab and tear the flesh of the nasty thing. I'll grind the tiny bits into it's every cell.

Happy 3rd Cancerversary to me. I'm glad for myself, but I'd trade a year of my own Cancer Freeness to give Dana a year back... or at least a few minutes with that precious new grandchild....

Cancer you piss me off every damned day

2010-10-05T21:52:00.000-04:00

Yuck. A woman I was emailing over the last year about her cancer treatment died a few weeks ago. I didn't really know her, but kept up a little with her to make sure she knew I thought about her from time to time. There is something about being a cancer patient that makes you part of this stupid club that makes it easy to talk to other cancer patients.
She was a guidance counsellor at my school, but I had no contact with her then and someone from my church told her to talk to me about local treatment issues. She had a cancer that needed a certain type of chemo that the Ontario Health Plan would not cover. The last time I heard from her she was taken off all treatment because her tumours had grown beyond control. That was in March. I hope she had a peaceful, pain free summer. I never replied to her last email, but I did think about her.... This was one of the last things she wrote to me and Judy, I hope you don't mind that I posting this here: "I live one day at a time and celebrate the good ones. My friends and family have been wonderful. My 2-3 months to live have now been 2 years and 4 months. It's a miracle"

I'll leave you with that thought....

This Blogger needs to be fired

2010-09-24T15:26:00.001-04:00

Today, I won't bore you with why I haven't blogged in forever.... but the news you need to know now is that a) we have moved the store to 53 King Street west, Dundas... just up the street from the old place. This wee spot is only temporary, until we find te right place to house both our store and new curly hair salon. b) in the meantime, we are cutting curly (and any other kind) hair in my house weekly.
Let me know if you need a haircut... more later. I PROMISE!!!!
I had some minor surgery this week... NOT cancer related... just to remove a kidney stone the size of Texas.... and I am still messy on pain killers...

I stole a saying...

2010-08-09T18:44:00.000-04:00

A few days ago a fellow Breast Cancer friend came home from several months away only to find her ceiling collapsed into her tub. After 18 hours of flying she said all she wanted was a shower. When she walked in to find the tub filled with plaster she laughed out loud and said all she could think was " It's not Cancer!"
So, this past few weeks I have used that term many times over.
Of course, it's along the same lines as "This too shall Pass" and other sayings but after cancer.. "it's not cancer" is a pretty good way to benchmark bad shit that hits the fan of your life.
After my elusive and ever argued about vacation I came home to assume the position of head packer, paperwork juggler, painter, designer, box mover etc etc in the month of moving our store into a new location.
In the 10 days since my return I have been accused of subletting and slander. I had to learn the deeper meaning of the terms Fire Separation, Commercial Building Code, Zoning Variance, Change of Use, and the worst of all? Waiting Period after Waiting Period. I have had to call and re- call and pretend to happily sing song my way through Voice Mails with the banks and other financial people tapdancing my way through the mire of Liens and Loans and Lawyers. Drafts and Drawings and Designers and Architects and Proposals and on and on are on my doorstep for tomorrow.
22 days is all we have left in the current store and due to misinformation from the city, misfiled paperwork within the bank and a pile of other messes it is unlikely we will be open for quite a while after we are out of this building. Not sure what I will do yet. Not sure of anything really.
I just have to continue to pretend it's all in a days work and keep dancing.

You can't tell me how to relax

2010-07-27T00:34:00.001-04:00

No, go back and read that again... seriously... how nuts is it that someone should be able to tell another how to relax?
So, here's the story: I'm on a vacation of sorts. A chosen trip to a Cottage Country location in Ontario to a not chosen by me location on a not very good week. Let me explain. 2 years ago during cancer I found this organization that matches donated summer cottages to recovering cancer patients(see the link here) You must be out of treatment and ok to care for yourself and you go to whichever place matches your available dates. I did not finish treatment until August of '08 so that summer was out. Last summer we could not match any dates so we tried for this summer, but couldn't match any dates for when Luke was not at camp. So, we chose this week and I am here alone. Tim had to work so that was that, I travel alone to the cancer cottage or not at all.
If you’ve been following the story of the store you will know that we just signed the lease for a new location as our lease is up in our current place and the landlord is not renewing. I take the new place on Aug 1 and have to leave the current place on Sept 1.
This is the only week in the whole summer that I had nothing else going on except for planning the new store front/ new salon. Taking a vacation on the last week of July is far from ideal. Planning a new salon build and store set up and move in only 30 days is going to be a feat of amazing organization and luck. I can’t really be here and not at least work a little. So you don’t get to ride me about working.
Here I am in the middle of nowhere doing what other people (in Ontario anyway)seem to do on their weekends to relax. I am at a cottage on a lake. I drove for 4 hours to get here, immediately set myself up to read my book on the beach and listened to the many nearby neighbours bark at the dog, yell at their kids, start up the motorboats etc etc….. this is relaxing? My backyard is quieter! Thankfully most of those people left on yesterday (Sunday) and the place is pretty quiet. The cottage is simple and clean, but hot and badly designed for airflow. I spent all day today either sleeping late or reading outside except for checking the internet for messages and things about once every two hours. Don’t ever forget I am not only a single mom 7 days a week; I am also a boss 7 days a week. In the same way that there is no parent for Luke when I am not around, there is no one in charge of the store when I am away either. I have staff, but no one has financial authority over my business but me. If I left the store for a real vacation there would be no stock on the shelves, no bills paid, no taxes filed etc… So, for me to be fully relaxed and work free I have to have no kid and the store has to be closed. So far this calendar year that has happened all of once. God Bless you moms who can be relaxed with your kids around but I can’t, not for more than a few hours.

So, earlier while surfing the internet, something I do for fun…. I posted a link related to work on my facebook page and got lambasted for not relaxing/ communing with nature using the computer too much etc etc…. I am here to tell you that having other people telling me to relax had the exact opposite effect !!!! It just made me mad! I know, you all meant well, care about me and all that…. But go ahead baaaaack to the top of the page and tell me how it is ok for me to follow someone else’s rules to relaxation?
The fact is…. When I am at work and I’m on the internet you should be telling me to not use the computer because I like it that much! The idea of being able to use the internet with no outside pressure to stop or rules about what I should or should not look at is fun for me! As for the whole nature thing… between running on secluded trails and gardening I likely spend more time outdoors than most people… and yelling neighbours and motorboats are not what nature is about for me.
So this week it will be my rules. I will sleep, eat, surf the internet, work, read, as much or as little as I want… when I want, how I want and you don’t get to make me feel bad about any of it…. That, to me is relaxing. So there!
Now, I was trying to go to sleep early…. But y’all made me mad so I stayed up and wrote this!
SNAFU as always. Gnight!

Somewhere there's music !

2010-05-25T11:59:00.000-04:00

For years I've been trying to work out where in my life I can fit music in. I'm not much of a music listener I have discovered. Not the same way other people listen. If I don't like the melody or the beat I stop listening. I don't hear words, never have. Maybe that comes with learning to sing/ read music earlier than/about the same time as I learned how to read words. Or maybe since I learned a lot of music at that age in either old hymnal english, or in Latin, German, Italian, Handelspeak etc I never knew half of what I was singing about.
I played the violin for a while as a young child, but I understand I hated the sound and I know it hurt my chin. Seriously, dig your nails into your chin, plug your nose and sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, over and over and OVER again... and tell me that would inspire you to like anything about the experience!
I played the trumpet in high school music class(doesn't everyone that doesn't know what to play have to play the trumpet in high school music?)
I played the piano for 9 or so years and still suck. I played the guitar for a year of adult night classes. None of it stuck.
I sing though. I sing everyday, all the time to any music around me. I don't need to know the words(see above) just have to have heard the melody a few times. I'm a pretty good singer. 16+ years in choirs here and there, a bunch of years of singing lessons and solo work with a few choirs. Turns out though, I am a cruddy solo performer. I have this humiliating habit of bursting into tears when I perform in public. I think I've blogged about this before, it's a parent/memories/ deep subconcious thing . I'm sure shock therapy will cure it, but I hope more practice will too.
I also did about 4000 dance classes starting at 4 and not stopping until 20 something... I never got really good at that either, but I sure loved it. My FAIL was tap dancing. My ankles are ballet dancer tight and not loose enough to be a great tapper. I was very frustrated. I've always loved the idea of tap dancing. I don't care if I ever perform it, just want to do it.
Soooo, the whole inspiration for this post was to tell myself to just DO it! I want to sing, and I want to dance. I only have time/ money to take one class per season. I wonder which one I should start with....
Watch this, it's fun..

Livestrong asked this today

2010-05-23T12:46:00.000-04:00

How do you show your support for people affected by cancer?

My reply:
Well chosen comments(I listened to a myriad of stupid ones when I had it) an open door to a shoulder to cry on and/ or an ear to bend. Lastly, advice and stories of my experiences and knowledge if they want it.

out of the sandbox

2010-05-01T08:26:00.000-04:00

HI y'all, I think I've turned the corner from the funk I was in during the last post. I seem to be standing next to the stinky sandbox staring at it. I managed a work out this week, and think I am off for another right now. I read this post by Jillian Michaels this morning and thought it was worth sharing. I love how she breaks down how sugars process in your body. I knew high fructose corn syrup was bad, but I did not understand it fully.

Have you cut all the junk food out of your life? Or 90% anyway...? You know my rule? 10% of life, food, skin care, etc.. should be no holds barred, do what you want and don't stress about it, but the other 90 should be fully under your control. I think I ate my 10% or more in candy last week, this week I have to be a little stricter. I think a walk in the woods up to the peak is in order.
Now, read this:

Dump the Most Evil Sweetener of All
In the late seventies, less than 15 percent of Americans were obese. Thirty years later, 32 percent of us are obese. What happened between then and now? First, the idea became popular that fat was evil and "low fat" diets were best. Whenever possible, fat was removed from processed foods and replaced with sugars and other carbs. At the same time, high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS) got really cheap and became food manufacturers' go-to sweetener.
Since the days of the low-fat diet craze, we've learned not only that fat doesn't make you fat but that refined carbohydrates like sugar and HFCS do. Oops! A lot of damage has been done, but we can work with our hormones to teach our bodies to react to food the way they did before we overwhelmed our insulin response systems.
A good place to start is to get rid of HFCS. This evil sweetener is incredibly damaging to your metabolism, and it's everywhere. Researchers at Tufts University report that Americans consume more calories from soda and other sweet drinks (which invariably contain tons of HFCS) than from any other source.
You may have seen a commercial run by the Corn Refiners Association that tries to convince you that people who think HFCS is bad for you are paranoid; it suggests that most people can't even say why HFCS is bad for you. Well, here's your answer (tell your friends!): HFCS boosts your fat-storing hormones and makes you fat. Glucose (what table sugar is turned into in your body) is metabolized by all your cells, but fructose (the "F" in HFCS) must be metabolized in the liver. Because of this, HFCS somehow tricks the body into not releasing insulin and leptin, two essential hormones that are usually released after you eat. Without insulin, your body can't use those HFCS calories for energy, and without leptin, your body doesn't know it's full. Plus, unlike table sugar, HFCS doesn't stop levels of ghrelin, your hunger hormone, from rising. If you eat or drink HFCS, you'll actually continue to consume more calories, even 24 hours later, than you would had you just eaten plain table sugar. HFCS also increases triglycerides (a type of blood lipid), which prevent leptin from signaling the brain to stop eating.
I have zero tolerance for HFCS. For me, it's a code word for poison, so toss it!
JILLIAN'S TIP OF THE DAY
Where HFCS Hides

HFCS is one of the cheapest ingredients in our food supply, so companies that make processed food have managed to put it in practically everything we eat! Even something like lunch meat can have HFCS in it, so check your labels. Here are just a few other examples of foods that can contain HFCS: breakfast cereal, canned baked beans, cereal bars, crackers, cookies, English muffins, hot dog and hamburger buns, jams and jellies, peanut butter, pickles, protein bars, and salad dressings. Even some organic foods have it (using organic corn), so you can never really be safe unless you look at the ingredients list. Buying whole, unprocessed foods will help you eliminate the problem!

Crazy huh? TTYL!

I don't feel like it!! aka Can we fix it? aka There should be crying in baseball

2010-04-28T16:48:00.000-04:00

Pick your preferred title for this one. I couldn't decide.
Today, last week.. lately has kinda sucked. Not sucked in the way that getting cancer or having chemo sucked... but yet.. it sucked.
There were lots of high points too, but today we are talking about suckage. I know suckage is not a word, but it seems to work here.
I don't really get depressed, or so I have always thought. I get knocked over, I get up, dust off and I keep going. Today, honestly I don't feel like it. I don't feel like getting up. I feel like sitting in the mud puddle in this sandbox not caring that there is cat poo in the sand and rain falling on my head.
A friend is dying of breast cancer and I am scared and sad for her. I am scared and sad for all the other people who have this cruddy disease. I am scared for myself and feeling kind of ashamed of feeling that when I am not the one dying. I am mad at the people who say things like " you beat cancer" when they have no idea whether I or any other cancer patient has cancer growing in them at this very moment.
I'm really, really angry at the fact that my business is so painfully slow I can barely pay my staff. I'm angry at myself for having a business that is not going well, because I am the owner and there is really no one else to blame it on. I am angry that cancer, recession, cash flow, taxes and all the other crap that makes being in business really hard is not helping things go well. I waffle between blaming external forces for my business being slow and blaming myself, where in reality it is a combination of many things, a great number of which I have little control over.

Last week I got to see my best friend from college days in New York City before she moved to Australia. It was so incredibly great to see her I cannot tell you. Although it made me acutely aware of my lack of perfect friends that actually live nearby, and yes I feel guilty that I feel that. I was alone for a lot of the trip in order to stay near her and be available when she had time to hang out. The airline lost my luggage and the sales were so bad at the store I really couldn't afford to buy new clothes so I wore mostly the same clothes for 3 days. I budgeted for a few small things and my meals and not much else. Add those things to the standard overtiredness from planning a trip and travelling to some bad news I got the day before I left and it added up to a physically and emotionally draining trip.

The biggest business news of late is that I have to move my store to another location. My landlord has let us know that he is not renewing our lease in September. This is cruddy, but after a few tears and annoyance I know this is going to be ok. The store has been good but not great,and we can find a place to include the curly hair services we have been working toward offering. This location seems great but has never given us the sales for the price we pay for it. The day before I left for my trip I found out that the landlord has apparently signed a lease for this space with another tenant in this building, a tenant who has only been here for a year whose business has been promoted readily by me since the day they opened. The details are unimportant but it looks quite likely that the tenant and the landlord have planned this for more than a year. Maybe they haven't, it's just how it looks. So, from my point of view it feels like I have been played for a fool and all along the other guy has known he was taking over the storefront I have spent 5 years pouring my time, energy and money into.

C'est la Vie! Can we Fix it? YES WE CAN! ... this I am not worried about. BUT today it is another bit of cat poop in my sandbox, another rain cloud over my head, another shovel of suckage to add to my pile.
I am not a get even kind of person. I don't give much time to anger or lengthy bouts of sadness. If I feel those things I feel them, scream at someone or cry a bit, work it out and move along. Not this time. I don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything that isn't absolutely imperative, well except for eating lots and lots of candy, that- I seem to be accomplishing very well. I don't feel like doing anything except for staying up late and watching crappy TV and sleeping late to make up for it. I don't want to be nice to anyone, or pretend that I am in a good mood. I just want to do stuff that makes me happy and pretend everything else can be put off.
I was raised by a mom who acted like making mud pies with her children and teaching the neighbourhood kids to waltz was far more important than grocery shopping, cleaning or any of the other trappings of a real grown up life. I think she was right in so many ways about priorities, but sadly my life does not lend itself to this kind of flighty behaviour as often I would like. I wonder if she was like this to avoid the grown up stuff, the suckage. I do think sometimes that I go to this mindset as default, as protection from the suckage.
Since I am already sitting in the mudpuddle in the sandbox and all.. I guess I could just start making mud pies... that would be an efficient use of time huh?(see previous post on efficiency) Ah well, just writing all this down has perked me up a bit, I kicked come cat poo out of my sandbox, brushed some sand off my foot... but don't worry, I will never, no matter how bad things get bury my head in the sand.

Oh, and as for the crying in baseball thing... I thing a lot more things would go better for a lot of people if tears were more acceptable in stressful situations. I would be happy to not cry at weddings if only it were ok for me to cry in a business meeting when things are not going well.

Try-a-Tri-Efficiency

2010-03-09T23:01:00.001-05:00

For those that know me, read my blethering etc know that in some parts of my recent history I was an amateur triathlete. In the tri world I am a finisher, not a placer. I compete against myself on my best days. My last two races I competed against the idea of simply finishing because I was so out of shape after 2 summers of very few workouts.
When I started training for tris in 2003 I had no clue what I was doing and my only real skill was as a long distance touring cyclist. The swimming /running crap was something I had to do to compete. I had 7 years of being a really slow runner in middle and high school and every summer swimming in a lake under my belt... but almost no real training. The coaches avoided me like the plague, I just showed up for practice every day and they let me run. I'm not sure I ever had help with my stride, or foot placement or pacing or anything of the sort.
So, in 2004ish I discovered new methods of running and swimming so I could actually train myself properly. The running method is called chi- running and the swimming method is called total immersion. Both of these methods involves allowing energy to flow through you in a more peaceful way and teaches you to use your body to be more relaxed while running or swimming. These methods are really neat because once you "get it" you can be faster and way more efficient at your sport. During triathlons using energy more efficiently is key, so you don't burn out too early in the race.

Last week I was wondering while I was sick at home with a sinus infection about efficiency in other parts of my life. You have heard me lament about getting cancer in 2008 and then having a recession really hurt my retail business in 2009. You have read about my days of feeling like Job where nothing but nothing goes right. Whine, Whine Whine... blah blah blah... and then I was chatting with a friend whose life went off the rails with a bunch of things at the same time and it got me thinking. Is God (or fate, or whichever thing you believe to call it)practicing some sort of efficiency thing on me(and others of course)? Like really.... Cancer, recession and then a fire in town that has ruined sales for almost 3 months? Last week I got a sinus infection, the flu and my period all at the same time... it was like the trifecta of (not as bad as chemo) physical hellness. Last year I recall being thankful as the recession seemed to be ending that I had the recession right after cancer. Get all the hell over with at the same time. Now? I am wondering.. is God trying to test me until I "get it"? I mean, it's taken me years to get reasonably good at chi-running, and it will take longer for me to get good at total immmersion. Does God want me to "get it" in life too?? Those practices are about being able to almost let go of the body and let the mind really do the work. Being present in the work of the moment to take the body to another place, a stronger more directed energy. Efficient.

As a person with rare exception I am incredibly inefficient. I know and accept that. I don't know any way to change it really. I practice at being more efficient in some things but mostly my paperwork, my laundry, my briefcase, my car etc are in some state of disarray. I am always thinking about the next thing I have to do. For example. I am writing this blog and bedtime is rapidly approaching, and I know I have about 10 things to do before I get to go to bed. 2 of them I enjoy, 8 of them are grown uppy chores that I resent and will get done in a bad order because I hate them. Now, I feel guilty by not just stopping what I am doing to get to those chores and kidlike because I am avoiding them.. begging for 5 more minutes to just finish the blog I have been thinking about for a week. Is this blog worthwhile enough work to justify not doing my dishes? I want to watch 1 hour of television and read for a little while before sleep... is this bad? How do other grownups reconcile all of this? Do they at all? If I become a more efficient runner will I become more efficient at other things? If I make time for running will I have a messier house because I took time to run and not clean my house?.. (no, having a cleaner house is not my primary goal in life, but on occasion it would be a nice thing to have!)
I am really not the type to meditate to find better flow in my energy or chi in my open mind or whatever people that meditate seem to say they get. Long baths and quiet moments and decluttering my closets to declutter my mind etc really..not.. me...
My question to you, God and others... can a frantic, can't focus for more than 5 minutes person, collects old clothes like a thrift store chick like me find a way to be more efficient? Is this what God is telling me in his persistent, yet efficient hammering on my life?
Let me know... I'll be the one spilling blueberries all over the kitchen, trying to clean up the spilled dead plant I kicked on the way out of the door when I was already late for work.... efficient... ya ... right.

Holy, did I forget to tell you?

2010-03-07T21:27:00.004-05:00

What a wonky few months it's been. I think I forgot to tell my bloggy peeps about the gene test results...
So, the majic answer is... there is no answer!
My gene tests are inconclusive... a big fat I have no clue Noelle, your genes are not normal.
Apparently this happens in about 5-10% of people tested.
Apparently I forgot that she mentioned this in my initial appointment. It is my humble opinion that it should be good practice to call the patient who has been waiting 14 months for test results to tell them it is normal to have an inclusive result. Given that I was a little bit post chemo and a little bit deer in headlights (where are Donny & Marie when you need them??) at the first gene counselling session I think the pre result reminder would have been helpful.
In my mind the gene test result was going to help my decision about which course to take with regards to reconstruction. I have always been fairly sure I want to either have no breasts or two breasts that match, the unbalanced thing is upsetting to me(only mildly, but "You can't chop down the Symmetry".. Thanks Jane!) ... and I thought having a positive gene test would make the decision to get the other one removed for a fresh start or maybe two new boobs. Having a negative one would help too... more for the worry side of things. Having a neutral answer is no help at all.
SOOOOO.. now I get to make the decision without the gene thing .... and always wondering if I have the gene etc etc,
Getting one new breast seems like my choice for sure now, but part of me thought it might be fun to get the other one a little bigger and have a brand new, slightly larger set.. just a little... I am not a plastic surgery kinda person, but if I am gonna have one.... what diff does it make?
Next questions I guess are weighing the risks of an implant on the healthy breast and how it will impact finding possible future cancer.

remove-a boob-a versary?

2010-02-15T11:19:00.002-05:00

I Don't have a good word for today, but it's an anniversary of sorts. 2 years since my mastectomy. Mastectoversary? Surge-versary? Remove-a-Boob-aversary?? Thoughts?

Thanks for reading all my blethering over the years.... there is always more for me to say with regard to cancer.... bloggy readers... I can't quit uuuuuu!
Turns out it is the wedding anniversary for a couple of friends, a birthday for another, and a cancer diagnosis anniversary for one of my Cancer pals...

March 1? First meeting with a plastic surgeon about getting a new boob done!
Today? Lots of work to do after a long-ish weekend (I got one day off anyway!)
How did we celebrate? On the 13th we had our annual dinner at my old work place Lo Presti's. We ate there 2 years ago for my last meal before surgery... which happened to be our first Valentine's day date ever!
We tend to hate all the trappings of Valentine's Day and our first Valentine's day was a mess, (celebrated on the 13th "Anti-Valentine's Day" with me sending the "ugliest bouquet ever") so Anti- Valentine's day things are our gig anyway.

Happy Cancerversary to meee!

New Boobs and a Babe?

2010-01-27T16:45:00.005-05:00

I saw my mastectomy surgeon for my yearly check up this morning. He said everything seems fine and there were no notes from my mammogram in December. No news is good news right??
Then, I asked him about reconstruction and we chatted about types and stuff and I have been referred to a local plastic surgeon. It could be months before I can see him, and maybe months after that to get the surgery done. This sucks, but whatever. I've got bigger things (ha) to worry about in my life right now... I'll get em done sometime maybe.
Earlier this week I was watching a lot of the coverage of Haiti and the earthquake victims and wishing I could help. I had an odd but strangly not unsettling thought. I should adopt a baby from there!
If this was not a sketchy time financially and so close to a medical biggy like cancer... I'd do it in the blink of an eye.
Yup, I would!

foob in the woods

2010-01-22T16:33:00.003-05:00

You know that pile of clothes that you've worn once, but can be worn again a couple of times but never really gets hung up or put away again until it is actually ready for the wash?
Today's bright side of cancer? In that heap of in between clothes I can always find my foob filled bra quickly 'cause when I rustle through the pile looking for it... the foob is so damn heavy the bra falls with a thud to the floor...
;)

Bushtucker

2009-12-07T22:59:00.003-05:00

It's funny you know. Every step of this cancer "journey" has been a trial of varying degrees. Most of it manageable with sleep, or tears or medication or gnashing of teeth. If you have read this blog from the beginning then you know the horrors I went through.
Tomorrow I get to take another step. I got a call to see my gene counsellor and I assume that I will receive the results from my long awaited breast cancer test when I see her tomorrow. I won't be holding my breath given the massive screw ups the cancer centre has offered me in the past. Maybe she just wants to have tea. ;)

Let's just assume shall we that my gene test result is sitting on her desk tonight and I will have the results in my hand by 2-ish tomorrow? That's my hope anyway. If I have the breast cancer gene I may likely choose to have my other breast removed among other things because my risk for more cancer would be higher.

I've been thinking lately, about 2009 and 2008 and how things simply must get better soon. '08 was my year of having cancer, then 8 weeks after chemo ended the press started talking about a recession in Canada. Sooo, '09 has been the year of desperately tap dancing to keep my business afloat and my store from going under. I was angry for awhile... thinking how unfair it was that the recession came right on the heels of a major personal health upheaval. Really? I kept saying... really???
Right after cancer you give me nail biting financial strife and many sleepless nights wondering what the future is supposed to hold for me, my business and my son.
Now... I say BRING. IT. ON!!! Because I can take anything! and this time I am a force to be reckoned with!

2010? Do you hear that? I am not going to take your crap!

Over the last few weeks I have been watching a new friend of mine on one of those reality shows where they are stranded in the jungle with very little food or amenities. Their only option to get food was to do these crazy challenges like eating cockroaches and untying knots in pools full of baby crocodiles. Watching the TV show (suspending my disbelief of course)I saw my friend go through all manner of emotional and physical states in 20 days some of it heart wrenching some if it exhilarating as I watched him survive hunger, conquer old fears, endure bullying from other participants and in the end come out saying what an amazing experience it was and how he has grown and changed for the better...

I know already that having cancer clarified a lot of stuff for me personally. I believe that seeing my store through a recession will allow me to have some more clarity professionally... boring perhaps but really, really huge for me.

Are you listening 2010?? I ran the gauntlet of 2008! I drank the cockroach puree of 2009... I punched those stupid crocodiles on my way into the depths of hell and I am still here!

I am sooo ready to be voted off the island and get back to normal... whatever that is..;)
I'll keep you posted about the gene test tomorrow...

3 years

2009-11-24T21:50:00.006-05:00

3 years ago today my beloved Mummy died after a long, long 5 years with cancer, chemo and all the horrors that go with that. There but for the grace of God..... but anyone who reads my infrequent blogging knows that I am still here... alive and kicking. But today's blog is not really about me.
Because I live in the house she spent her last days in I see her in everything and life has thrown me some curve balls lately so she is closer than ever.

My dearest Mummy, I have you with me with every stir of a pot, with every thread in a needle, with every clank of a glass. Your words spring from my mouth and my son looks at me like I am crazy, just like I must have to you....I have collected people in my life who say canny, and besom and twee and my chip pan is full of lard. My dishes aren't done, and I work too much but the food is good and I am teaching Luke to cook. Now because of a strange but neccesary turn of events in my business I will be following in the footsteps of Grump(my Mum's Dad for those readers who don't know), Uncle Gordon and you and with your old black hairdressing scissors in my hand I'll be cutting hair. There are lots of moments I wish you were here. There are lots of moments I know you are here and with every snip I have a feeling I will know more and more....

Chemo Curly? This event is for you!

2009-10-13T16:15:00.002-04:00

Dear CurlFriends, Curls in Disguise, Chemo Curly's & WavyCurls too,

I am so crazily excited to tell you about this event I can barely type! My Friend, Curly Mentor, the original DevaCurl Angel Lorraine Massey is coming to see us at our boutique in Dundas! On October 25th Lorraine & her amazing staff "Curl-Man" David will regale us with curly tales, tips & tricks to help you live frizz free no matter how curly or wavy you are! Bring us your curls, whirls, nappyness and all & we'll teach you the magic of the Deva! Leave your blowfryers and your troubles at the door, we'll spoil you with curly deals & a refreshment or three!

Bring a canned good to donate to the local food bank & we'll trade you for one of our favourite bathing treats.

I cannot wait to see you & all your smiling faces to greet our guests! More details and RSVP contact below... Yours as always, Noëlle
Want to reserve your free spot at the CurlyCon?
You choose- October 25th 1:00pm or 3:30pm to reserve by phone 905 627 9379 or email ellenoire@ellenoire.com or use this link to the website...
Watch this video for more info on DevaCurl!

New Day !

2009-09-01T11:47:00.002-04:00

My friend Jenny is hoping today is a New Day....I guess she had a crappy one yesterday. The words "New Day" always make me think of this song...

I first remember hearing it when my beloved Dissipated 8 sang it at Middlebury... and listen to it on an ancient scratched CD when I need to. The song ties so many people and so many memories together it is hard to even know whether it is actually memories I think of when i hear it or I just sense the many faces and landscapes pass through me as I hear the words and music. The Mountains, my many many friends over many many years... and it has become one of my fave songs that is also tied to my breast cancer years... as some of you know my doctor gave my a semi official cancer free status yesterday... or as I like to call it... No Evidence of Disease (aka NED) So, today truly is a New Day!

Someday, maybe me and some of my many many friends could get together so I can get a chance to sing it...if, I could actually get through it without crying that is...
Cheers to a New Day! For Jenny....and for the memories of Yolande and RanD because you are part of all my New Days

A Woman's Work ....

2009-08-07T00:45:00.003-04:00

By the time you read this, I'll have an IV needle in my arm... or maybe I'll just be sitting in a waiting room, waiting for someone to put a needle in my arm. Today is my last cancer treatment. Barring anything unforseen, and of course assuming that I don't get cancer again... I won't have to be back in a cancer treatment chair ever again.

I just finished watching my favourite TV show a few hours ago.
So you think you can Dance... have you ever seen it? I started watching it last summer when I was in chemo. It made the summer pass a little quicker, getting excited every week about the dancers and who would dance what style and how well. There was a brief time I though I wanted to be a dancer, and this show has stoked that fire a little. I don't watch much television and this show made me fall in love with a show for the first time in a very long time. This season a choreographer named Tyce Diorio created a Dance piece dedicated to his friend Michelle who has endured Breast Cancer. In the audience when it was performed again at the finale tonight? Christina Applegate, who was diagnosed when I was in chemo. She was crying, I was crying .. lots of people watching the show were crying.

Skip the talking at the end, if you want to... and yes, I wish it was the original Kate Bush version of the song too.

I wonder, if I saw this last year while I was still in hardcore treatment how I would have felt. I wonder if I had seen this before I got cancer would I have really felt much at all. I wonder, if cancer had never touched me, where would I be?....who would I be?....What is this failing business, this chapter of cancer ending.. what is it all about? Where is it all leading me?

This morning, I found the hairdressing scissors that my mother used to cut our hair my whole life. She cut my customers hair until a few months before she died from cancer. 3 summers ago I watched her health decline after 5 years in chemo. I was there everyday through every step of cancer treatment and her death process.
Last night someone told me I should be using those scissors to start the next phase of my career.

This afternoon I chatted with one of the favourite people in the neighbourhood of my store. His wife has terminal cancer, she has had treatment after treatment after treatment. I looked into the eyes of a man exhausted by the pain of watching his wife suffer, he saddened himself by the fact that he was grumpy today when she never complains about the daily injections, nurse visits and dressing changes. I told him I get his part in the cancer stuff... and for the most part.. I get hers too.

Tomorrow I pack a gift for another cancer friend in her 3rd summer on chemo.

Today I met a customer who was diagnosed with breast cancer soon after I was...she disappeared after her treatment started. I worried about her. I was very excited to see her!
Her newly grown hair looks like what we refer to as chemo curly....

I wonder if she'll need a haircut soon.....

Want Cancer!?

2009-07-29T12:17:00.001-04:00

Tanning Beds deadlier than ever suspected!
Tanning Beds As Deadly As Arsenic and Mustard Gas
Check out this link...

http://windycitizen.com/wdfI
skin cancer jumps by 75 percent

Smile.....

2009-07-07T22:16:00.003-04:00

... Yolande said it best.... her Dad was dying and I was telling her about something not very nice someone said to me ... she said " no negative thoughts, we don't have room for anything negative"
Yolande died on the 4th of July 2006... just a short few weeks after her Dad. I guarantee you Yolande will stand by me with this post.

I don't like the media, I don't read newspapers, or headlines, or watch the news EVER. I think most of the lies and the way the truth is spun to sell advertising is shameful. I don't check the weather, I don't read People magazine.. I think it is all a big waste of time. Since being involved to a great extent with social media I am exposed to a lot more news. Happily, it comes as little one line blips that I can choose to read more about or not.

This past week I have read countless comments about the death of all the celebrities. I grew up watching Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon seemed to be a gracious and lovely host who had a long long life. Farrah Fawcett...I still have all my books and of course the Charlie's Angels t-shirt I begged my parents to buy me at the EX. Cancer took you too young, and everyone knows what I think of that fecker cancer...One day I'll watch your documentary about your travel with cancer, but for now it's too soon while I wrestle with the same devil. Michael Jackson...well... I'll get into it about him... but I liked him too.

I've been thinking about this post all week, the day that Farrah and Michael Jackson died when the nasty and negative Michael Jackson comments started. It has astounded me how incredibly mean spirited some of the comments and jokes have been. The thing that upsets me most have been the comments from the people on FaceBook that I have allowed to be in a list called "friends" many of the comments have made me think twice about who I really want to be friends with.

I was a half black little girl when I first saw Michael Jackson on TV. Like many many girls in the 70's and 80's Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5 were amongst our first crushes...I was more partial to Donny Osmond, but had a soft spot for my early crush on MJ my whole life. Those guys were on my first digital clock radio, in my first Tiger Beat magazine, on my Saturday morning cartoons, they were the posters on my wall and the pictures under my pillow at summer camp. MJ and Donny never called me racist names on the playground, never teased me for wearing purple socks, or hand me down clothes. In a world where I was lonely they were there.

As I am typing this, my friend Randie who died on July 1rst from Breast Cancer is being remembered in a memorial service by her friends and family. Randie was in my support group, but we never met... and I miss her.
Today someone said to me on FaceBook when I commented on his badmouthing the coverage of MJ's service "Enjoy your grieving process for someone you did not even know"
As I said... Randie and I never met.. and I knew her for a much shorter time than I experienced Michael Jackson in my life. Randie, I have a feeling... although I did not "know" you ...that in the heaven that I believe in... you will find Yolande, and my mother and a heck of lot of other people and all of you... will be walking... MOONWALKING with the beautiful Mr Michael Jackson.

The things people say, the mean things people type... actually scare me sometimes.
If someone from your street that you did not like died, would you sit and complain about what a jerk he was and say how you "don't understand why anyone would mourn him"? ...NO, you would just not attend his funeral, and perhaps feel bad for his children. So WHY is it ok for you to talk about Michael Jackson like that? I certainly hope I don't get on your bad side.

"Why should we care about him, it's not like he cured cancer or something?" No..he didn't but he gave millions of his dollars away to honourable charities.
"He was a Pedophile" .. well, that was never proven...
"I never liked his music" soooo, why are you even talking about him???? (I bet you a cocktail that you danced to his music at least once in your life)
Truly people, do you not have anything better to do with your time than to go on about someone you "did not know" or even like?

Don't get me wrong. I am by no means perfect. I complain about my doctors on this blog, on twitter I criticize how people park, or drive or dress.. but honestly..I don't think I use people's names or make mean comments or jokes about anyone after their death. Ok, sorry I lie ...my mother was a royal pain in the ass and I say so but she knew I loved her.. and she knew I thought she was a pain in the ass...

I grew up in a house with very little money, but radio and TV were pretty much free...so we listened and watched... I never owned a new record until I was about 11(Patsy Gallant, 1976's Are You Ready For Love?, with the disco single "From New York to L.A" yes, I still know all the words) I had an Osmond's album from a Garage sale... and I bought a Jackson's greatest hits cassette in the early 80's and learned all the words to Ben 10 or so years after it was released. We watched videos when MTV had free weekends on Canadian TV or on City TV's "The New Music" and we tried all the dance moves ...Didn't everyone who saw MJ do the first Moonwalk on TV try it in their living room that night??

Anyone who has ever desired to dance on a stage and tried to get even close to any of MJ's steps knows he was a genius in that realm. I spent a lot of time on dance floors in high school wearing one white glove and a bow tie dancing for hours... and having other people ask me to teach them how to do the robot, or the moonwalk. Was I good? Who knows... the only thing I cared about is that I was dancing. From the minute I was allowed in 7th grade to go to school dances, I was dancing. I didn't care if people teased me about my outfit, or the music I liked because I was dancing... and in my head I was in the happiest place I could be.. and Michael Jackson was on the speakers on many of those nights.

All I know for sure is that Michael Jackson meant something to me. Did the media blow MJ's death out of proportion? Sure, but they do that to everything. Personally, I think a football or hockey or golf game on the front page are annoying, but when your FaceBook status goes on about some game or player or other.. I refrain from calling you names for liking those sports.

All your comments have made it clear that you did not think Michael Jackson was perfect....Do me one favour?? Call me on the day that you are.

It's always something...

2009-07-06T16:35:00.003-04:00

Today I feel like I can never get ahead.. financially or emotionally. I also feel like I am a whiny pain in the ass on this blog because I whine about the fact that I can never get ahead financially or emotionally.

Yesterday my precious post chemo gift kitten got really lethargic and was acting strangely, and today she is at the vet getting tests run.. since whatever is wrong has stumped the vet. Is it wrong for me to feel really really angry that not only do I have to deal with yet another financial set back with the vet bill... but also face the fact that my kitten may be soooo sick I will have to put her down? All my fault likely... I totally and utterly forgot to get her shots done...we wanted to let her have a litter of kittens and so I never took her to the vet... and I swear to GOD.. ya you.... GOD!!! that I completely forgot about the shots I was supposed to get. She kept running away and we were always so happy to get her back.. and she has been such a fun thing to have about the house with my cancer and my failing business and all it.. I just plain forgot.
What the hell is God trying to test me with anyway....For GOD'S sake... gimme a break already!!!

One of my Breast Cancer buddies died last week... she was diagnosed at the same time as all of my cancer sisters....and now she is gone. Gone from her 6 year old, gone from her husband, gone from everyone else who loves her..

I could bore you with a list a mile long to tell you all the crap that sets me back week over week over week. Heart tests are going badly, Heart tests are fine, Can't pay the rent, flood at the store, flood at my house, cat ran away, no money for groceries, can't sleep, sleep too much, can't find a babysitter, can't afford a babysitter, can't buy stock for the store, have too much stock at the store collecting dust, new bath product store opens two doors away, Someone dies, someone else dies...another local store scoops one of my product lines, toothache, earache, and on and on and on...

What is it all about? Am I at fault for all of this? Do I care too much? Maybe when all warm blooded creatures come near me I should just ignore them.. I certainly spend a lot of time mourning them, worried about them, feeding them....waiting for them...

Sometimes I am just tired. Not body tired... just emotionally wiped off the map for a few hours while I nurse the kick in the gut all these things do to me.

My mentor wonders why I don't get enough done in a week. I wonder how I even get out of bed at all.

I 've played Job in an early posting... I think I've survived the 10 calamities...someone hand me a hammer and call me Noah because building an ark would be easier than this...

I was in this musical a long time ago..still know every note..

Summer School Math Class..

2009-06-25T19:40:00.001-04:00

80 x U=/>ellenoire1

This morning while working on the finances for the store I realized something. If 80 of my customers came in and spent $100 I could pay the rent this month. I can hear you gasp from here… wow, that’s a lot of money!
Yes sadly it is.
I’ll tell you the story, so you will understand.
I have explained how small retail works on this blog before, but I’ll give you another quick version. In a normal retail (in a small company, that is less than 5 years old) year you sell as best as possible and spend all year using up what you saved during Christmas sales until the next Christmas season. You pay the bills, your staff and the little left over is for the boss. If you did your job right you end the year with little or no debt… and start all over again hopefully growing sales every year…. At some point in theory you become profitable that all the time spent pays off.

Last year when I had cancer I spent more than is normal both paying medical expenses, and paying for extra staff to keep the doors open while I was ill. We started this year in a bad place because bad weather and the recession killed our Christmas season. By February the savings were gone, and we have been struggling ever since. We have been digging a deeper and deeper financial hole every week.

This past weekend we booked a festival booth and paid for the booth and a lot of extra stock… but the organizers did not promote the area we were in so we lost a large amount of money because we sold next to nothing. This tore through most of both the little money and the goodwill from lenders that we had left. Sometimes, something little like this is all it takes to sink the proverbial ship.. and take a business down. We are perilously close to being on that sinking ship.

So today while working on the finances for the store I realized something. If 80 of my customers came in and spent $100 I could pay the rent this month. This means simply that with 80 people buying $100 (or 160 people spending $40, or 320 people spending $20 and so on.. ) I could pay back the friendly lender that helped us with the festival, pay the staff, the phone bill, and the rent…. This won’t pay all the debts… but that is for another blog, another day and another equation… today.. it is 80xU= ellënoire wins and gets to go on for another few weeks...
The whole store is on sale, so your $100 will go a long way…

P.S. While I was writing this entry.. a friend just spent $100… so now it is 79xU!!!

Don't you forget about me...

2009-06-17T09:21:00.002-04:00

Just a quick reminder... I am in the store pretty much every Wednesday and Thursday and Curly rescues are on most Saturdays and by appointment too!
Custom perfume blends can be any day by appointment. Tell me when I can make you look better, feel better, and smell better!

The store has $8 and I have $4

2009-06-09T15:35:00.004-04:00

The funny thing about success is that the things it leaves you are not always helpful with the bills. This last few weeks has been a little nuts. I will post more about it later so you can understand just how nuts.

This past weekend was our first big festival of the year. Street festivals, triathlons and the occasional indoor show are our best(so far) marketing tool. We can talk to hundreds of people in a crowd that are out looking to learn more, and buy things along with attending whichever event they are at the show for. At these shows we offer sampling and demos of our bestselling products to encourage people to buy on the spot of course, but also to let them know about what we do and to help them become a devoted regular customer.
I wonder sometimes if customers ever realize how hard it is to get a show or festival ready for the public. Since we make many of our products the first step in the plan is to decide which selection of products to make and in which fragrances we should make them in.. then we decide which of our brand name products will work well with our brand. If the show is in front of our store we have to make sure the whole store is fully stocked as well as the tents.
So as an example,imagine if you will: think about all the things that you need if you are planning a birthday party.
You want to make a birthday cake(baking is a lot like making bath products) and you need 12 ingredients, but you have to go to 4 different stores to get each ingredient. You want to decorate the house, but have to go to one store for the tablecloth, one store for the cups and another for the streamers for the room... oops and also the balloons are only available in one store on the other side of town
they are only open 3 days a week and keep strange hours.

This is what it is like stocking the store and getting all the ingredients to make the products. On top of all this? You only need 1 pound of flour but the store makes you buy 10 pounds!

So to make what we need I have to buy too much because there is no choice from the suppliers. We have to make more than we need to make the booth and store look full because customers like displays and buy more if things are attractive. There is one big cash outlay..
Customer service is a HUGE detail for me.. and I make sure we have enough staff to take care of as many people as possible. We sell more with more staff to talk to people, and we can make more people happy with the interaction and information we share... which means they should come back to buy at another time.. Lots of staff for a festival is key.. another cash outlay.

Planning and preparation take a lot of time and staff hours. Designing and Printing cards and flyers, Posting notes and stuff on facebook, the blog, writing up advertising, supervising the staff making the products.. Do we have enough bags? Tissue paper? Credit card slips, pens, tape, rope for the tents..and on and on my list goes.
All of the staff time and all the little things cost money... and more cash flies out the window for prep for the festival...

Getting the picture yet? I know you have to "spend money to make money" but you all know how much time and money my cancer cost the store.. so there is not much left in the bank to do all this with. So at the end of the festival planning and execution what is left? Well, we had to borrow money from a friend to pay all the upfront costs *money out* We had a busy weekend at the booths so the place looked busy and people are still talking about it... *money in* We sold enough to pay for the ingredients we used to make the products we sold(though we only sold about 25% of what we made) *money in* We sold enough to pay for all the staff in the booth and store and the staff prep time.. *money in* Today... we have to pay the staff, and pay the friend back for the loan *money out*... (don't forget we did not sell all the stuff we bought for the booth, so we don't really have enough to pay the loan back)
The math at the end of all of this? With the staff paid and the expenses paid... we made $8 at the festival last weekend and there is not enough left over to pay me for my time. The fridge is almost empty, we have been making bread and cookies instead of buying them. I have no choice but to buy groceries this week... from money in the store's account that should be used to pay some other bill. Because the $4 I have left in my personal account is not going to get me anywhere... remember the birthday party example? Ya, I think that version would have been more fun...

There is no answer to this... I wanted to write about it... this life is far from easy.

Why do we go to Funerals?

2009-05-12T20:20:00.000-04:00

Being raised in the house with a Dad who is a church organist who is a priest's kid (PK, as they are known) himself in a house that was about 300 steps from the front door of our church we knew the in’s and out’s of church rules pretty well. Little did I know, that the church rules I was raised with were not the same as everyone else’s, but that is a conversation for another day. Starting at a very young age I went to funerals because I was told. Mostly I was not expected to attend unless it was a relative or someone I knew well who had died. The first one I was expected to attend was for Emma. I asked not to go, but my memory says my mother told me I had no choice but to go. Emma was 9, I was perhaps 13 and she was my friend. I was shattered when she died, and I hated every second of her funeral for a lot of reasons and I didn’t quite understand the loud party that was held afterward. I only went because I was told.

I attended a funeral at St James Church today for Heather, the young lady I mentioned in a previous post. 33 years old, diagnosed with a horrible cancer that began much the same as mine did from what I have heard. I didn’t know her well. I thought of her often as I learned news of whether her treatments were effective or not. Every time I saw her parents around town when they were not away visiting Heather I was eager to ask questions, but always regretted my eagerness when I saw the look in their eyes as they went to answer. Each time I saw them the news got worse. I felt guilty, but hoped that somehow by asking the news might get better. Did I hope Heather would get better so her lovely parents would never have to answer the annoying “How is she?” questions ever again. Yes. Did I hope Heather would get better so I could stop being fearful for myself and my cancer outcome? Perhaps.

Losing a child is a heartbreak I hope to never completely understand. That statement is selfish that I know, but being selfish is a something I struggle daily to explain to myself.
I felt selfish about being there today. Part of me wonders why I went.

Why do we go to funerals? I was raised to believe that you go to support the living through a difficult day. You go to celebrate the life of the person who has died. Sometimes you go because you are told….

So, I went today to support the parents, her partner and her siblings

Heather’s parents were a part of my life many times every week in and out of church and school. The mother whose Girl Guide Leader voice will be forever in my head when I pitch a tent, or tie a reef knot or build a fire. The father whose stern teacher voice was often heard in the halls of our high school.. (and the totally different man’s voice I was privileged to know in years of singing in my Dad’s choir together).
The “children” may not have many memories of me, but between Guide outings, babysitting them and seeing them at church on Sundays I watched them all grow up.
I briefly met Heather’s steadfast partner who stood by her through her cancer trials and broke down while talking to him. There is a bond I feel with cancer patients that is inexplicable that should be obvious. But anyone who can stand by a cancer patient and help them through the process of living through treatments and beyond has my lifelong respect. There are few jobs harder in the world. Being the patient is the simple part.

I went for all of them.

Most of the Funerals I have attended have been at St James Church. It was the church I grew up in, it was the place I attended service after service, Guide meetings and choir rehearsals and teenage dances and youth group events, sleepovers, dinners and on and on. I was there at least 3 times a week from my earliest memory until I left for college. There are a lot of ghosts in those rooms, and a lot of memories…. It is the place I had it all, it is the place I lost a lot…

One of the things that will always be painful in being at St James is being there when my father plays music there. You see, I was young… 9 I think when his employment ended there. Until recently I don’t think I really understood how deeply that situation must have affected me. I have always known that hearing Daddy play at St James and other church situations made me cry, but didn’t really know why…. Still not totally sure…

So today, at Heather’s funeral I purposely chose not to sit with my Dad. The building, the people, Heather dying from the same disease I have… I knew hearing him sing and stuff would make it almost impossible… Without knowing the layout of the church (it changes every season) I ended up not only sitting near the choir, but sitting a few rows behind my Dad, near a piano. I knew he was playing the recessional on the organ, but I figured I would handle that.
I wept a little during the poems and kind words, I cried some during the hymns… then Daddy started moving around after communion talking to the organist and I wasn’t sure why. Then he sat at the piano, a few feet from me. Turns out he played the piano as part of one of the last hymns. The piece was one I had sung at our local church youth camp. The camp Heather and I both attended years apart from each other (unbeknownst to me until I heard a camp story in the homily)

You shall cross the barren desert,
but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety,
though you do not know the way.

You shall speak your words in foreign lands,
and all will understand,
You shall see the face of God and live.

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I will give you rest.

Blessed are your poor,
for the Kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn,
for one day you shall laugh.

And if wicked men insult and hate you, all because of Me,
blessed, blessed are you!

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I will give you rest.

If you pass through raging waters
in the sea, you shall not drown.
If you walk amidst the burning flames,
you shall not be harmed.

If you stand before the power of hell
and death is at your side,
know that I am with you, through it all

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I will give you rest.

As you can imagine this finished me, I was gutted. The place, the people the music. My Dad playing 5 feet in front of me, the situation ….I had to stifle my sobbing… just to keep singing ( I have a thing about forcing myself to sing through tears, long story) I felt so selfish and caught up in my own grief and fear, my own history and baggage. I shouldn’t be feeling all this stuff at someone else’s funeral. Sitting alone, in that familiar place in a room full of people I knew, but few of them my friends I wondered if I should be there at all. Why was I there? I didn’t really know her. Some people asked why I was there, how I knew her… All I could tell myself is that I knew for some reason I was supposed to be there. I never thought to not go.

I went to support the living.
I went to celebrate the life of Heather.

I went… because I was told.

Heather

2009-05-04T12:19:00.003-04:00

Someone I know died from Breast cancer this weekend. I didn't know her well.
Her dad sat across from me in choir practice and her mom was my Girl Guide leader. My other Girl Guide Leader was her Godmother. I babysat her when she was young which means she is 5 or so years younger than I am...
She got sick before I did, and if I recall correctly they found metastasized cancer in her brain soon after her diagnosis. Mets doesn't ever look good, but brain mets is one of the worst from what I understand.
Her parents have been back and forth across the country many times to be with her through the process of surviving treatment and the process of dying. The look in their eyes broke my heart when I saw them over the last year. Broke my heart and made me wish this wasn't happening to them... or anyone else. Part of me felt so terribly guilty that I am doing ok so far and she wasn't. The old " I wish the floor would suck me up ..."rather than look in their eyes kind of feeling.
I get that survivors guilt is a very real thing, and this is not the first time I have felt it.

There are no answers as to why her (or anyone else) and not me. I guess the only thing I can only keep wishing is that things can be different ... soon... for the people who are getting diagnosed in the future, for the people who have mets now...
for me.
Cancer Sucks... I did not know Heather well, but I thought about her everyday... and I will be at her funeral trying to remember not to ask God "Why not me?".

My fave drink this month!

2009-04-30T23:15:00.003-04:00

For energy and health with no sugar, no stimulants, no caffeine!

Just in case you missed it!

2009-04-30T23:14:00.001-04:00

Join our newsletter email list and see the latest product info and sales! Lots of great deals this month, news about Carol's Daughter and other new things you may not know about. Please forward this to a friend! http://tinyurl.com/chsexk

had to post this.... alligators... yup!

2009-04-22T21:52:00.004-04:00

So tonight I read this... it is written by a woman ( who I do not know FYI) on my fave Breast Cancer support site who has Stage 4 metastasized breast cancer. That means her breast cancer has spread to another part of her body: this is generally considered incurable.

She wrote:
Spent some time at the SYC Friday night with my loyal sidekick. We ran into a woman down there whom I adore...a true LADY in every sense of the word...someone I aspire to be like when I "grow up". And this woman said to me, "The thing that amazes me is every time I see you, you are smiling-and genuinely smiling." I said "That's because when everyone sees me, I'm not wrestling alligators...let me explain..."

Eighteen months ago I received the mind boggling news that I had been chosen to wrestle alligators. I have no formal training in wrestling alligators, had never studied the technique, and--let's face it--was often chosen last in gym when picking teams. Still, the telegram came and wrestling alligators it was. My life continued on the same course, except for periodically I would have to excuse myself from the norm, leave the room, and wrestle alligators. My friends and family are not allowed to come watch my matches, and I try to tell them about them, but the words are often hard to come by.
Going for monthly IVs which render me on the sick couch is difficult. Going for scans every three months to monitor the beast is excruciating... and getting harder and harder each time. I cannot even begin to describe the fear and anxiety that accompanies a late-stage cancer diagnosis... yet, I continue to try.
People look at me funny when I try to explain that I wrestle alligators on the side...surely I must be joking...I look too good (too healthy) to be serious. I don't APPEAR as though I've just returned from a death defying match. Still, if you look a little closer, I am somewhat disheveled, move a little slower, and the sparkle is sometimes a bit duller than it used to be.

I try to remember with everyone I encounter, that we all have our alligators to wrestle. My hope is that one day I'll be standing with my fellow Hot Cancer Babes at a huge yard sale...a yard sale jampacked with alligator shoes, belts, handbags, boots, etc. Until that day, we will all continue to hold hands and get back out
there in the ring.

So, my fellow bloggy readers, I hope that this rang true for you somehow.... or helped you understand a little. For me, it reminded me that given the cancer I got and how I feel right now... today, I am still one of the lucky ones.

Back in the Cancer Centre for my tri-weekly visit

2009-04-21T17:41:00.002-04:00

The IV is in. After today I have had 12 Herceptin doses with only 6 more to go. No blood today, just the IV poke… a little painful but no big deal. The piano player in the lounge area was playing depressing music again; there’s nothing like a little Danny Boy with your cancer treatment!

I have so much to write about both here and in my other blog, but I got really sick last week with a devil of a cold/ flu thing which is still hanging around. I was eyeing that souvenir bottle of Neupagen (the white blood cell booster) I kept after my last chemo, hoping for something to boost this immune system. Instead I downed tons of my Monavie, lots of extra VitC and some elderberry juice.

I started on a new daily thing of drinking an apple cider vinegar cocktail which has helped with the illness too. Two teaspoons of Organic ACV, 1teaspoon of local honey (local is best to combat pollen allergies) and lot of water in a glass. Yesterday I added some fresh lemon juice which made it extra tart. Sucking honey through a straw is not easy; I have to juggle the recipe a bit. It is supposed to help with the potassium loss from drinking coffee, so I drink one or two a day.

This week I am going to get my first pedicure since last fall when a lot of my toenails fell out from chemo. I just realized the other day that my fingers are no longer numb either. Not sure when that stopped. This past Wednesday or Thursday was the one year anniversary of my first chemo, and the one year mark of the beginning of the group of women that I hang out with over at breastcancer.org. It’s funny you know, all these anniversaries. The further away I get from active treatment the better I feel, but somehow it seems almost scarier. Now I get to walk amongst the “normals” as if nothing is different about me. I try to go into social things and not talk about cancer all the time but it’s hard. Last week I was at a party, but only a few of us there knew about my cancer. Until one of the people in the know talked about my hair coming back, which took a few minutes for me to realize how it must have seemed like an odd comment to someone listening in. Imagine hearing.. oh your hair is coming back in so nicely..... and wondering what the heck to say or do if you don't know the story.

Then there is the issue of me being a magnet for cancer patients coming into the store to talk about cancer. I am happy to do it, but man 3 cancer talks in a day certainly messes with a work schedule. I am trying to learn how to get more done in a day with a schedule and goal setting and such. I am not good at being organized, and I don’t really like it either. Since the store is so slow I have no choice but to maximize the staff hours and my time and that takes planning. The store is so slow I am beginning to wonder how much longer I will be able to keep the doors open. My fear of rejection and lack of organization makes it even harder to push people to buy. There are only so many ways you can present a sale. Let me know if you have any brilliant marketing ideas! I am open to anything!

My herceptin is done, I am off!

sick and not sick

2009-04-15T22:55:00.003-04:00

Last week I went to the doctor for a bunch of things. None of them cancer related. How strange!
And now for something completely different? My doctor actually talked to me like he knew who I was. Since day 1 it was my family doctor who has taken better care of me than anyone else.
Today I have a terrible flu/cold bug, headache, body ache, nausea etc. I am whacked out on (pain and cold) meds and napping all the time. Remind you of anything? The funny thing is today( or maybe tomorrow, I have to look it up) is the first anniversary of my first chemo. The physical feeling of flu is actually quite similar to the symptoms of chemo. Gratefully, the horrible side effects are not here.

As you can imagine, trying to run the store while sick at home is not easy. I had to either close the store or call my assistant in from a day off. Luckily today my staff agreed to sacrifice his day off. We have never been able to afford to have an extra trained person on staff so if I am sick and my assistant is committed elsewhere we have to be closed. That is the only option. Tomorrow we'll have to see what happens.
The recession is hurting the store enough, we certainly cannot afford to close the store just for illness. We are lucky to still be open.
This week we get to work on a project planning our presence at the Busker festival. Unfortunately that is the same weekend I am hoping to attend the 20th class reunion of my college class at Middlebury College in Vermont. None of my classmates have seen me since my surgery and chemo. I really want to be there. Since we have no backup staff doing festivals at the best of times is not easy. We bring in at least 5 extra people to help us work the almost 30 hours that the festival needs to make it happen. We managed to get the store and all the festivals through last summer with me in chemo. I made an appearance at each festival when I was up to it and worked at the store for 2 days a week(most of you know this already). The idea of having me gone through one festival seems like no big deal, but my parter/ mentor Tim has always been at the festivals whether I was or not. Our original plan was to have Tim come to the reunion with me. Soooo, the idea of a festival without me or Tim there makes things much more complicated. I have decided that somehow or other we will get the store through the recession.
I am not sure how, but somehow I will get to my reunion and I am going to do everything I can to get Tim there too.
Let me know if you have any bright ideas about running the festival without the 2 senior staff in town.

Damn I hate this place! Stupid Cancer centre!

2009-04-05T14:42:00.002-04:00

Herceptin appointment March 31rst.

I get blood work and the nurse has to dig around to get the vein to work, so now I will have a big honkin’ drug addict bruise on my arm. Then I see a different doctor from normal and he races through the appointment and tells me he doesn’t “need “my blood. He said some doctors order it by routine, but he doesn’t need to see it.

Then the chemo nurse (I get my non-chemo treatments in the chemo room, fun huh?) can’t get the vein for my Herceptin IV and digs around for the vein soooo… and of course she has to ask me about the port AGAIN!

I swear, if one more stupid chemo nurse asks me why I don’t have a freakin’ port I am going to scream. This time I actually almost cried when telling the story about how my idiot doctor never bothered to ask me about getting one until the night before my last chemo!! I would have refused a port if she had asked…. But bloggy readers… you may remember that the doc asked me “is your port in ok?” which was the first time she ever mentioned a port to me in almost 5 months of appointments.

So, back to the "I don't need your blood" craziness... if I don’t need blood drawn every 9 weeks, why the heck are we wasting Hospital resources to do it? In a centralized medical system like Canada has where test results are months and months behind you because of lack of staff/ money etc would think the docs could get their plans and stories straight!

Nurses arguing with me, Doctors racing through my appointments God willing I never get cancer again or ever have to deal with the horrific hell hole of a hospital ever!

Am I oversensitive, or is this all normal treatment and no one else says anything about it?

Are Canadians too damned nice for their own good? Their own health?

If you don’t complain about a health care system that you pay for everyday whether you get sick or not….

This is the link I am poking into today

http://www.controlcancer.ca

I read about it in the waiting room. Apparently the Canadian system is not implementing World Health Organization guidelines for controlling cancer in advance through education, screening and diet etc. Will I be surprised if this is true?

NO!

busy busy busy!

2009-03-11T15:11:00.002-04:00

Lots going on with the store, the house, the purple juice biz and cancer treatments!
Herceptin yesterday, Tasting party tonight. If you are local to Dundas and want to learn about the juice that took me from chemo tired to normal Noelle pop by the store anytime for a taste! Tonight at 7:30 we are having a special expert come in to talk about the product.
Call if you are up for it!
905 902 6647.

Love to all my Cancer Blog followers!

Cancer Party!?

2009-02-25T17:12:00.002-05:00

Cancer is such a fecking downer I think every good test result should be a celebration!! What the hell is wrong with the Doctors and Medical personnel?
* in your best "I hate my job" whiny droning voice* say this..without smiling...
"Hi Noelle, you called to ask about your test results?" "well, your ejection fraction from January was re-calculated from a 49 to a 50
(why the heck they did not call me back to tell me this before I do not know) and your test from this week was still at 50"
I said... so, there has been no change at all since this scare of my heart function dropping from this drug all started?
*back to bored drony voice*
"yes, it stayed the same in November, December, January, and February"
I said.. "That is good news!"
She said *one more time with the drony voice folks* " yes, that is good news"

HALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Nurse what's your face!!!! You just told me that the heart tests that I have been having monthly to make sure I don't have a HEART ATTACK from the anti cancer drug you are giving me are staying steady... when for the last 2 months there has been strong concern about my heart test scores continue to drop.

You people need to learn how to be happy for your patients!!!
Emotional distance is fine to protect yourself from bad news, but hell! Can't you get excited about delivering good news??
Pshaaaaaaa!

So, I am having my own private cancer party today!
Good test results in the heart dept mean I will likely be able to keep taking this drug to protect my body from this nasty protein Her2neu thingy.
Yay Herceptin!!!
Yay Heart tests staying the same!
Poop on bored, jaded medical peoples!!!

Event at the shop!

2009-02-24T17:20:00.001-05:00

What’s more important than your health? Absolutely Nothing!
You’re Invited to a
Tasting Party
Share a Free Sample of the juice with the #1 Super Food, the Açai Berry! Find out how to look younger, feel healthier and have an overall sense of well being…..
Date: Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

Locations: Ellënoire Boutique 41 King Street west, Dundas 905 627 9379

Time: Presentation starts at 7:30pm

Speakers: JoAnne Spilatiere, Tom LaForme, Karen Dupuis, Noelle Smith

“I take pride in endorsing the product as a consumer and an athlete who’s looking for every health advantage” Jason Sager, Cannondale Cycling Team

“ it helped me get back to my normal energy level after cancer surgery & months of chemotherapy so I could run my store and work 12 hours a day at my store in the Christmas season” Noëlle Smith, owner Ellënoire Boutique, Dundas

www.mymonavie.com/noellesmith

2009-02-24T16:57:00.001-05:00

Rainbows are visions

2009-02-24T16:23:00.002-05:00

Hi everyone. I wrote this earlier this week for FaceBook. I am going to copy it here for a bunch of reasons: I don't feel much like writing. I am a little tired, a little annoyed with the cancer stuff this week(more on that later, I just got off the phone with yet another rude person at the cancer centre) and I just found out an old friend died today. Not someone I knew well, not since I was a kid... just someone from an important place...

So, here is your challenge.
No, it does not involve telling me what google tells you what you need. It does not involve me asking you to give me one work answers about anything or telling me 25 things about yourself.
It's actually a little dumber than that...

I don't watch many movies, so I am not doing the challenge about how many movies I have seen. I saw the tail end of the movie "The Breakup" tonight and caught the title music. There was a version of "The Rainbow Connection" that I had never heard before. You know that song?(like or hate it).. the one Kermit sang in "The Muppet Movie"?
I loved this version by an a capella group called the Tone Rangers..so I found it.. and it made me cry. That ridiculous song has made me cry for as long as I can remember. I found a ton of versions! I guess I never thought about it.. but I guess a lot of people like it.. or something...

Your challenge?
Find me a version that doesn't make me cry. Here are the ones I have so far...

The Original: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eubQfKYFOPc

Kermit and Debbie Harry:
Dixie Chicks:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzoZhb7ELNI

Kenny Loggins and Thomas the Tank Engine?? : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qF1DHcBoti0

Willie Nelson... can make me cry?? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oX9E_D_HjBo

Heartland Men's Chorus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3qU2xC8gqc
(nice clean Harmonies guys!)

Tone Rangers from the movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAuJZXlo2jE
( love these guys! as always addicted to a capella music)

ok.. it's your turn!
Ya, I know this is a ludicrous challenge!

So, there it is. My lazy blog post for the day. I hope Brian's family can see the rainbow today. More later or soon.. or something.
Love, Me

To Foob or not to Foob?

2009-02-10T23:04:00.002-05:00

I don't really have a question... it is just a funny thought. As I have told u bloggy readers b4 I only wear my foob(fake boob=f-oob) when I feel like it. My foob is heavy and strangely enough droops more than my real one. It hurts to wear on my scar somedays and some clothes just do not work with the mastectomy bra. Wait... who the hell am I kidding? Some clothes don't work with the mast bra, or the foob! So last week I went back to working out regularly. I have been doing Pilates since the fall, but the store has kept me so busy I have not had time to do much else other than the occasional snowshoe trip down the rail trail. My Pilates girls know about the cancer and I just show up with no foob and no one says anything.
My trainers gym is pretty quiet, and the women there know me. Until yesterday my trainer had a new student work with me. It was a high school aged boy who comes in to help and learn. Poor kid did not know where to look.
Tonight at Pilates there was a woman waiting for the next class to begin while we were still working out. It is a pretty open concept studio. Again, she did not know where to look. Funny .. you know. I don't care at all what people think, and will continue to do what I like but I wonder. I wonder what goes through peoples heads when they look at me in a little black tank top all flat and deformed( my underarm area is very swollen from the lymph node removal and sentinal node biopsy a feckin year ago!)on one side, and pretty much normal on the other. Not that I did not know this, but I guess I don't look like the typical BC patient/ survivor/ warrior whatever.

New Blog for ellenoire

2009-02-10T09:16:00.002-05:00

I will not be abandoning this blog I promise!
but I have created a new blog just for the store
Check it out!
http://ellenoire.blogspot.com/

A Video about Obama by my friends the Hillary Step

2009-01-25T17:44:00.001-05:00

stuff about me chain note from FaceBook

2009-01-25T17:10:00.000-05:00

This is a chain note; I've seen a couple of variations. I keep meaning to do this and never get my thoughts together to get it done.
Once you’ve been tagged, you're supposed to write a note with 16 (or pick some other number) random things about yourself. They can be trivial or momentous. At the end, choose 16 (or however many - see above) people to be tagged. But: you have to tag the person who tagged you. (Heck, I tagged you because I want to know more about you!)

1) I have spent no less than 5 hours thinking about what to write in this note. I do this a lot: postpone projects big and small because my head thinks about them sooo much and how to make them right I never get them done at all. I do this with everything: what to wear, what you think of me, what to do with my time. Most people don’t think I care about what other people think…. I think I care too much!

2) I could never be in a relationship with anyone with a peanut allergy. I would starve if it was not for peanut butter. Preferably no sugar added, crunchy with homemade jam on brown bread. I will occasionally go back to my roots and eat one with commercial crappy PB, store bought jam on white bread... but those only taste good if I have Campbells soup to go with...this is what I ate for almost every lunch during elementary school except for the store bought jam part. My mom always made jam which was often so runny it ran down your arm when you ate a sandwich.

3) I would really love to live in a house where it was neat and clean and things were put away but I don't know how. I did not grow up in a very organized or clean house both of my parents sucked at it. I liked growing up in a chaotic house because it was fun... but man that place was a mess! I wish someone (who would not throw all the stuff I love away) could come and teach me how to have a clean and organized house.

4) Every day I think how cool it would be if Colin and Justin came and redid my house. Just like everyone on their TV show I would be scared they would give me an orange bedroom or a beige living room or something else hideous. I took pictures of my house a year ago to send in to their show. See #1 for the reason I have not sent them in yet.
I think Colin and Justin are totally amazing and their Scottish accents make me miss my Mom.

5) My favourite colour is purple. The kids in school thought I was weird that I did not like blue or pink or other boring colours. Yes, I liked Donny Osmond, still do. I wore many pairs of purple socks and went to summer camp once and slept with his picture from Tiger Beat magazine under my pillow.

6) I swear a lot. No big surprise to anyone who knows me. My mother did too. Kerry Freeman and I decided in grade 6 I think it was to swear. We were on the playground after school one day and decided together to start swearing.

7) Bad manners make me blind with anger and I pray that bad manners are one of the things people don’t think I have. I want to run a manners school for kids. This generation makes me crazy. My parents were hardcore about manners: eat with your mouth closed, talk softly, walk quietly etc. Ironic that my mother drank and swore like a sailor and my father thought (and still does) it was ok to answer the front door in his underpants.

8) I am going to post this on my blog. Everytime I write something on FaceBook or to my support group and copy it onto my blog I feel guilty that I am not giving everyone original material and being lazy about not spending the time on each separate medium.

9) I love to sleep but wish there were 24 hours in a day. I stay up very late each night ( go back to #1 to see what I do with that time) watching bad TV, surfing the web, working on my business and playing with bath products and stuff.

10) I am teaching myself to like taking baths. I own a company that sells Bath products and HATE taking baths. I wonder if I could make a fortune creating a bathtub that I found comfortable enough to stay in for more than 10 minutes

11) I think I am lazy, I NEVER get enough done in the course of the day to feel satisfied. Going to bed before everything is done feels like failure to me. See #9.

12) I have a very addictive personality but learned a lot about myself when I gave into cigarettes and cocaine. Cigarettes were cool and tasted good…Cocaine made my never quiet brain get quiet but never for long enough. I quit Cigs for my kid. I quit cocaine because it made getting anything done totally impossible and holy shit the people that I met while using it were complete morons. I don’t like morons.

13) I always feel like I have useful info to share with people that would help them ie: stop using sulfates in your hair and it will look nicer, you will run faster if you learn chi-running, you will lose weight if you follow the program I used to lose 40lbs, Your curly hair would look better if you learn my way etc etc. Now that I run a business that I can share info with people that will help them I feel guilty that I will make money helping them. I try really hard not to tell my friends about the stuff I know or can do that would help them because I don’t want them to think I am trying to make money off them. .. But then I get mad that they are doing stuff the hard way and wish I could help them… and then I feel guilty…. Which is why I suck at marketing my company.

14) I want to start a group for people with cancer in my area that helps cancer patients exercise together during and after treatment. My mom started a group for stay- at-home mom’s to exercise together and it is still running 40+ years later. I have an odd feeling the groups will end up being similar.

15) I like you, lots and lots of you. I cannot mention/tag all the people I like in this note. I have a blog post I want to write that makes all the people who read all the stuff I write to tell them this. See #1 about this… I have been thinking about this post for months….
On the flipside I am deeply, painfully sad and angry that I lost some people from my life when I got cancer. I have always been known as the person who stays in touch with everyone from all parts of her life. When I got sick I could not keep this up. FaceBook helped but I did not have the time to do it. I am really mad that some people just did not bother to keep in touch with me while I was sick.

16) I think I am not very smart. Although somehow I have managed to run a business for the last 8 years with no real education I still think I am dumb. I only barely made it through high school and failed out of college. In hindsight I know it was because I was bored and thought everyone else.. mostly my teachers were dumb. Sadly, since I was raised to believe authority figures are to be trusted I actually listened when those same teachers told me I was dumb…..

17) I wish I could sing more. I wish I was better at singing in public. I sing alone all the time. I was in a choir from the time I was 4 until I was about 28. I sang a few solos here and there but when I tried to sing at weddings and funerals and stuff I start to cry for some unexplained reason. I know for sure it is some deep emotional reaction I have no control over. I might need shock therapy so I can sing solo in public...

18) I think I took this exercise too seriously

2009-01-20T16:54:00.001-05:00

Obama day!

2009-01-20T15:30:00.002-05:00

Wow what a day!
The Day Obama won was a good day. Today, watching him getting sworn in to office was a great day. I am an American. I am a woman. I am a child of mixed race parentage and I am black. In case it passed you by, the name of my company "ellenoire" tells you so. I closed the store for 2 hours to watch the inauguration with my father(the black, and only living parent) and son( who was a little confused by his mom and grandpa crying though when he fell asleep during Obama's gorgeous speech he was upset that he had missed some of it)

So far I have felt most like staying at home all day and watching the news, but am at work. Yes, I could watch streaming news all day, but I do really have work to do. Truly, I wish I was in a bubble where everyone loved Obama, and ...each other.
I have read some Tweets(the mini blogs from twitter.com) and had some comments from people being negative about the fact that the press is making a "big deal" about the fact that Obama is black. "Why can't they just talk about what a good president he will be instead of always talking about him being black?"

Halloooooo! have you people been asleep??? Obama won the presidency for many reasons.
There is no question in the mind of the people who voted for him ( no matter what their skin colour) that he is a good man. There is no question in the mind of the people who voted for him that he was the best person available for the job. ONE of the many things Obama is, is Black. There is no question in ANYBODY'S mind that he is black. The reason he got the job was for what he said he will do, and how he chose to speak to ALL people. The reason today is a day like no other is not just because he is a good man... it is not just because we hold out hope that he will create the change he says he will try to create . Today is a day like no other because he is BLACK!

Anyone I know over the age of ..perhaps... 35?... could never before today confidently say that they expected to see a day like today! An American President with even one drop of black blood? NO WAY!! You have heard of the "one drop rule" right? That one drop that made kids on my playground in Dundas, Ontario Canada in the 1970's and beyond call me NIGGER!? ( ya ya, I know.. I "don't look black")That one drop that made boys in high school and college stop considering me date-able when they found out my father was black!? That one drop that made my very light skinned Grandmother lie about her background so she could work downtown Chicago at a better job she would have had if she had admitted she was black. WE HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT IN A COUNTRY WHERE BLACK PEOPLE WERE CHAINED IN SHIPS TO BE ENSLAVED!!!!!!!
Don't talk to me about it not being important to mention that President Obama is black!!!!!

If you still don't get it.... then read(or rent the miniseries)Roots or even better.. Read the new book "The Book of Negroes" (called "Someone Knows my Name" in the US, NZ & AU)
http://www.lawrencehill.com/the_book_of_negroes.html

I am tired and I have to work until very late tonight. I pray for their sake that no-one says something dumb to me about Obama being black tonight or they will get it with both barrels from me!

Today is Obama Day!

The State of my Hair January 13th 2009

2009-01-13T17:05:00.000-05:00

the other boob? In sympathy or what?

2009-01-13T16:23:00.002-05:00

Ok... so today my right(and only)hurts a bunch! WTF?
I am hoping it is just the onset of my "menses" because they keep threatening!
Tomorrow.. not today which I thought but the leap year confused me... is my 1rst cancerversary. The 1rst anniversary of my diagnosis. I will write about it more later or tomorrow. Boob to the right of me! Stop it! stop it! I meet the surgeon next week, so I will ask him...
In the midst of writing this a breast cancer 'survivor' came by the shop and noticed the bald pic by the front counter and told me she has it twice( there, but for the grace of god..) and is about to have the 10th anniversary of the second time.
Phew...
more later...
For those of you who want to know more details about Monavie in the short term feel free to email me at ellenoire@ellenoire.com with questions. I will blog about it later too. Later Bloggy babies!

funny year funny year

2009-01-12T14:07:00.002-05:00

I just found products on my website
http://www.ellenoire.com that were updated last year... saying they would be back in stock for the "new year" not only does that not bode well for business... because clearly no one has ordered those products for a long time..... aaaaand.... the fact that this year of cancer hell has been sooooo nuts that I did not notice that I had not taken those notices off.
Groundhog day I tell ya....
2009.. I am Bill Murray baby!

resoloootionz

2009-01-02T22:30:00.003-05:00

Last year... beeeeeefore I got my cancer diagnosis I wrote this on my Facebook page...

I will compete in at least 3 triathlons -ok, I was in 1

I will buy this house from my mothers estate -I did this!!

I will make my company 'ellenoire' more successful than ever before -ok, I tried, but cancer, snow and "recession" issues put a kibosh on this

I will make www.ellenoire.com a better website than it is right now - I tried this too, time and money(or lack thereof) made this difficult

I will travel to somewhere really amazing - I went to New York like I do every year, I went to Vermont like I would like to every year and I spent Spring and Summer at Camp Chemo.

My resolutions this year?
I would prefer to remain cancer free.
I would be pleased to get in better shape than I am now.
I think it would be fun to compete in some races.
I like to travel, I hope I can afford to do some of that.
I plan to make time to hang out with friends as much as possible- here, there and anywhere!
As long as I have enough money to eat, buy a few nice things and keep this house anything else means I am rich!
Das it!

Auld Lang Syne

2009-01-01T15:21:00.003-05:00

Last night I cried when Auld Lang Syne came on the stereo at the house we spent the last hours of New Year's Eve at.
In my family at New Years eve(most especially the ones with the Scottish side of the family this song was always sung) but in my memory we often listened to a recording similar to the one I found on youtube. The American Guy Lombardo version was not part of my tradition. The song is always sung in Britain at big concerts like the "Edinburgh Tattoo" and the "Last Night at the Proms"
Of course no one sings all the verses, but my mother always sung it with the "proper words" in her Scottish accent. I provided a translation from the traditional Scottish for you below. Many New Years eve we watched a show like this on TV, and she sung every word, often weeping through her singing. Skip to time stamp 7:30 if you just want to hear the audience sing Auld Lang Syne. Otherwise watch the whole thing to experience what some Scottish Hogmanay Nights would have been like at my house.

And for auld lang syne, my jo,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne,
1.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days o' auld lang syne.
2.
And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp!
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
3.
We twa hae run about the braes
And pu'd the gowans fine;
But we've wander'd mony a weary foot
Sin auld lang syne.
4.
We twa hae paidl'd i' the burn,
Frae mornin' sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin auld lang syne.
5.
And there's a hand, my trusty fiere!
And gie's a hand o' thine!
And we'll tak a right guid willy waught,
For auld lang syne.

Here is your translation.
And for old long past, my joy (sweetheart),
For old long past,
We will take a cup of kindness yet,
For old long past,

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
And days of old long past.

And surely you will pay for your pint-vessel!
And surely I will pay for mine!
And we will take a cup of kindness yet,
For old long past.

We two have run about the hillsides
And pulled the wild daisies fine;
But we have wandered many a weary foot
Since old long past.

We two have paddled in the stream,
From morning sun till noon;
But seas between us broad have roared
Since old long past.

And there is a hand, my trusty friend!
And give me a hand of yours!
And we will take a right good-will drink,
For old long past.

Open Letter to my cancer "Support Group"

2009-01-01T14:13:00.002-05:00

My Lovely Ladies,
Today is the first day of a New Year. Recently mentioned as Two Thousand and Fine, a year to end Two Thousand and Hate!
While much of 2008 was difficult (to say the least) Getting cancer brought me many things, most notably you. When I began my regular trips to the website where we all met I hopped around from one Discussion Thread to another... and after awhile I settled comfortably in the daily(sometimes more than once per day) visits to the "Starting Chemo May 2008" group. I still popped my head into the April group where I started, and some of you had already moved to the May group and some of the April's have joined us or kept tabs on us all the way through. I still feel like I am cheating on my April girls( because that is when I started) sometimes, but found so many deeper connections on the May thread ... I still go back to April to say hello.

My Dearest May Flowers you made this trek through cancer treatment a joyous experience. You have made every poke and prod at the hospital a community event where I could physically go alone but emotionally travel safely holding hands with each of you. I sat in the chemo chair talking to you, playing cards with you and just smiling at you knowing it was all going to be ok. Every lost hair, every ache and pain every hour of fear and dread I knew I was safely buoyed by your spirit.
Dear missed RanD and smiling Sable baking up a storm. My Otter furiously researching our every query where our medical teams were failing. Karin and her drive to bring Rock back to us with the many pics and pigs. My Kerry Lamb roaring in like a beaming Tazzy Devil making us roll with laughter. Angels having to travel so far to complete treatment and Gracie having to wait so long for yours to be over. My Sueper Siouxie on her porch in Texas/ Georgia. My Rock stomping around New York in her Crocs with Pam at her side. The Dogs and Kittens, the shingles and scabs, the boats and neighbours and swimming and camp chemo and shovels galore I will never forget a moment Each and every one of you each and every word in the 4000+ posts we shared have been the ingredients to my Cancer Salve, my very special Balm of Gilead.
Though cancer has interrupted our busy and colourful lives' in a most unwelcome way meeting you all was a the unexpected gift along the way and I yearn for the day we all get to finally meet.
May 2009 be your best ever, and you have my love and support through every step, cancer related or otherwise.
I hold my glass to you ....

The joke of the season

2008-12-22T23:56:00.003-05:00

so I am sooooo rife with exhaustion I can barely make a sentence without mis-speaking a word or forgetting my thought half way through. This is normal for me at this time of year. Somehow I am usually a little more organized in the shopping department.
The groceries are being delivered tomorrow, but I forgot to order the dishwashing detergent. I bought the Christmas tree, set it up and decorated it and now it won't stand up straight. It has a full on leaning tower of Pisa going on. Last year it fell over twice, so I guess leaning is a step up.
I got the key "Santa" gift of the season, and it only took traveling back and forth across the Hamilton mountain twice in white out snow conditions to get it. I did get almost 4 hours in the car alone listening to music while I ran all kids of work and some personal errands when I found the gift so I guess that should make me feel rested.. or something.
We got all but one gift shipped today at the store.... none of my personal gifts or cards are even remotely ready... oh well. My peeps won't hold it against me I guess. I used to love spending tons of time and money wrapping gifts in an interesting way. Stationary and wrapping paper have always been a passion of mine. I almost had palpitations in the new Martha Stewart paper craft section at Michael's today... tomorrow after work, I will come home get my kid to do some last minute shopping.. come home again and clean the house and do the dishes( if I remember to get the dishwashing stuff) I will take stock of what I have bought and figure out what gift bags I have from last year that I can reuse AGAIN to chuck this stuff in..
Ya, honourable in the spirit of reusing stuff, but totally boring in the spirit of gift wrapping specialness.
I had a mammogram last week as you know... and so far noone has called me to make me get biopsies and horrible other things... which was what happened last time I had a mammogram. I think that is a gift.

Bloggy readers …. No I am not lost!

2008-12-16T23:12:00.001-05:00

I think of you everyday and wish for a wireless connection from my brain to my blog and you could see the thoughts I send you everyday.
This past few weeks had been totally crazy. Lots of milestones, lots of good and bad news. On November 24th we finally buried my mother’s ashes after 2 years of them sitting in my house. Her ashes sat next to the sewing machine for a long time; she would have liked that. On Dec 2nd I turned 42, I worked all day and had a last minute unplanned home cooked dinner with Tim. On Dec 9th my first and only child turned 10. On that same day my best childhood friends’ mother died. Today Dec 16th I had my first yearly mammogram since I found the cancer last year. In 2 days it will be the anniversary of finding my lump.

Since I wrote I have had heart tests and results and it is confirmed that my heart is not quite right since starting the herceptin (the drug that counteracts my her2neu- the funky protein that makes my type of cancer extra nasty) SOOOO, now I get to go to the Cancer Centre every 3 weeks for herceptin, and every 6 weeks for Heart tests (RNA/ MUGA scans) I am not having any symptoms of heart problems, but my scan results have dropped since my first one, so we have to watch it.

I plan to start back to triathlon training in January once I get through this nutty Xmas season at the store. I am sitting here in the chair getting Herceptin now so I just have to hope everything will be ok.

Ok, my IV is done. I will post more later I PROMISE!!!!

Note to self

2008-11-25T12:38:00.003-05:00

this is day one after 2 days off which were after 28 days of coming into the store... my to do list is total madness.
Here is my list of things to do and write about:
Kill the staff for not mopping the floor.
How much does a boob weigh anyway?
tell blog readers about moms burial( just her ashes, she died 2 years ago)and my thoughts on that.
Tell Blog readers what I eat for breakfast
Find an Angel Investor to get the store through Xmas.
Send store newsletter out
Oh, write store newsletter in order to accomplish the above
Try to work out why no one is Xmas shopping yet
Try to convince customers in above mentioned unwritten newsletter to not shop in the states this Friday.
Update the website
Update the Aframe outside
Set up the stereo in the store or hire someone to do it
Hang the curtain in the store
spray paint the chandelier for the store window
Do the other store window...
Start a new blog just for the store.
Get the lost and found kitten chipped and collared.
clean house, do laundry,
Eat well, sleep 8 hours a night... uummm ya right!
Coolio.. there is my list.
Dear Bloggy readers.. feel free to bug me about getting these things done!
Gotta run, customers are here...
Later!
N

Heart news #2 #4? 7?? Whatever???

2008-11-13T21:44:00.002-05:00

OK, so the stupid doc finally called with a pathetic excuse for an apology. The nurse was supposed to call me with test results B4 the heart scan department called with the second heart scan test info. My baseline heart function was 55-57 in August, now it has dropped to 50. All of these numbers are in the "normal" range but a drop is cause for "caution" so they are testing me again. The protocol for Herceptin stoppage is a drop of 15 or more, so I could do my next Herceptin on the 24th and the next heart test on Dec 5th and still likely be safe/ok (or perhaps drop to 49.... WTF?) So, since I was hoping to have my Herceptin on the 24th in the morning, so we could finally bury my mom's ashes on the 2 year anniversary of her death in the afternoon I decided to postpone the scan until after the next Herceptin. So, now I have 3 weeks with no Hospital visits. I thought it was idiotic to have more Herceptin until after the scan.

Worst case scenario? If the heart still keeps dropping then we can stop, let the heart recover(Herceptin damage to the heart is not necessarily permanent) and then they can start again.

So, I get the 24th free to bury Mom's ashes and get that FINALLY taken care of. It is a long story why it did not happen b4, but it was all about Money and Timing, and since she requested a plot in a section of a cemetery that was not open yet we held off... and then I got cancer.

2008-11-12T21:47:00.000-05:00

Doc called 3 times.. left messages at my house. I explicitly left my cell and my store numbers on the message this morning....NOT my house number.

Like I said.... hiring policies at that hospital..... !!!???

Hearty Heart Heart

2008-11-11T21:48:00.000-05:00

I called the docs office and nicely but firmly compelled the receptionist to make the Doc call me back. The Head Onco was busy, but she did try... and I told her the other Doc knew me better... and not to bother having the nurse call...

I think the interviews for help at that hospital must have gone like this: "Got Medical Qualifications? yes!

Are you an idiot??? GOOD you are exactly what we are looking for!"

you gotta have heart !

2008-11-10T21:50:00.002-05:00

Here is my stupid cancer news. Got a call the other day for a heart test appt. I already had a heart test last week( Herceptin, the anti cancer drug I am on right now can cause serious heart damage so they test me every three months) the first one since Herceptin started( aside from the pre Herceptin baseline test). Results are supposed to be to the doc within 24 hours. No call, so I assume the news is good. I called this morning to say, I got a second call about a heart test, but I already had one.... and left another question about a forthcoming appt. change. The Receptionist said the onco nurse would call. She did... left a message on my cell Voice mail... saying "we need to do another heart test because there was a drop in function and we need to confirm that is was real.. oh, and I can change that appt for you. Call the office if you need anything else... bye!"

BYE!ANYTHING ELSE???? WTF!!!!

A WEEK! A FECKING WEEK they had those negative results and no one called me???

AND my next Herceptin is BEFORE my next heart scan??? What? So they can just gamble that it will not do more damage!!?

I am LIVID!

and here I am 6pm, and have to wait until morning to find out WTF is going on...

TV, heart tests and such

2008-11-05T22:27:00.001-05:00

Don't worry, I have not disappeared. I am on TV in the morning and have been working 7 days a week and am suuuuper tired.
Dear Bloggy readers I will be back soon!

Me and My Dog

2008-10-22T11:15:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of reasons I do not own a dog in real life. The simple reason is I don't really like dogs( or at least most of them I have met to date)The complicated reasons are: I am so small many dogs can knock me over. I do NOT have the time to be tied to walking a dog however many times a day you dog people have to walk them. There are very few reasons in my mind to have to be forced by the government to pick up poo. If I ever have a dog in my life it will be a cold day in H-E-double-hockey-sticks before you catch me carrying around a plastic bag of poo. There is no outfit on the earth that is well accessorized by a bag of poo. NOT ONE!!!

**If you don't know about my Dog Cancer then read the previous post.... **

Yesterday I was dragging Cancer around and it was one of the those mangy barky nasty dog days. The day was so bad I felt like I had my Dog Cancer and was forced to carry it's poo around with me in a plastic bag

A BAD DAY!!!

My Dog Cancer

2008-10-21T12:06:00.001-04:00

The day to day living with cancer is an interesting thing. While I was in chemo and “rocking the bald” I could not really hide from it. It looked me in the mirror everyday, and people asked me dumb- ass and/ or curious questions about it all the time. I had no choice but to pay attention to the physical reality and side effects of chemo.
Now, I have hair and I do not have the shiny skinned, bug eyed and bloated look that chemo so graciously creates. So for the general public I am, to quote Tim “the old lady with funny boobs” or for the most part a “normal”. Even though being bald and bloated and sick was awful it gave me a look that allowed me to be the cancer victim. Now, people still say things to me that seem odd, but they are different from the chemo/ cancer comments and questions. The other day at a restaurant it went like this “I like your hair”
I said “oh, this hair-do happened by accident” (what the hell else could I say to this stranger in a Vermont restaurant “restroom”on a Wednesday morning?) She said “I have had lots of haircuts I got….blah blah blah.” By this point I had tuned out wondering whether to bring cancer into the conversation…
I left the bathroom feeling kind of dejected. I am not special anymore. I am just the same as everyone else. Strange I know, because being “normal” is all I ever wanted during treatment. But now I know. I know that I will never be ‘normal’ again; I will never not have cancer looming over my head. I may get cancer again. I may never have gotten rid of it. I have a better chance of having more cancer than anyone who has no had it before. At this stage I am not sure if I will ever forget that. Not many minutes go by without thinking about cancer, talking about cancer or doing something about ….. cancer.

While you may think I sound like I am depressed by this you are incorrect. Getting cancer for me was not depressing, it was annoying and hard and scary and stuff but not depressing. I got through the treatment with a kick ass attitude and nothing will change that. But now cancer just won’t ever go away….Won’t go away like having a dog on a permanent leash attached to you won’t go away. Some days dragging this stupid barking mutt around is harder than other days. Some days, it is like having a little puppy- a lighter but still yappy and annoying.
Last weekend in Vermont it was a puppy. Today it is a big, but kind of quiet dog.
I just hope sometime soon I can drop the damned thing off at the pound.

Hi!

2008-10-15T23:48:00.002-04:00

I will possibly be rambling to the blog a lot this week. I have a lot to say after more than a week away from writing. I was away on a trip until 2 days ago.
I took some time with my son and ‘boyfriend like’ man person to visit friends in Vermont. Many of you know that I went to “college” there. I am an alumna of the illustrious Middlebury College in Middlebury Vermont. That is alumna, but not graduate … or for those whose Latin is a little rusty I attended the school but I did not graduate, I chose the what I call the 'leave college early combo number #3' of Fail out, get invited back, and choose ultimately not to return.

I discovered Middlebury on a bike trip to Vermont in the summer of 1984. 12 or so other kids and I rode 200+ miles through the mountains and little towns of that amazing state over 2 weeks. Every day we sat in a grassy patch somewhere to have lunch (mostly PB and J’s, Sliced Turkey, apples and sometimes a pint of Ben and Jerry’s when it was still made by Ben and Jerry) We cycled through Ludlow, and Bristol and Vergennes and many other places climbing massive hills including the frightening Middlebury gap(5 miles up, 9 miles down) On one day we rode into the little town of Middlebury (on the way into town we got to pee in the very old, but very chi chi lobby bathroom of the Middlebury Inn) Little did we know we would be back in town more than once, and that on the tour of the state we were often only within 20 miles of Middlebury.
On one of those lunch breaks we found a nice shady spot on the Middlebury College Campus across from the Admissions office. After talking to the other kids on the trip about US schools I learned more about the place. I grabbed a flyer from the Admissions building mail box display and miraculously that pamphlet made it home. There is more to the story, but ultimately in the fall of 1985 I matriculated into the class of 1989.
Through my 18 months at “Club Midd” (so named for the insane amount of luxurious sports facilities and such at the very wealthy college) and my bike trip and my many trips back to visit friends I fell head over heels in love with the state of Vermont and along with France and perhaps Scotland it is one my favourite places on earth.

We had amazing warm and sunny weather and many things to do and people to visit so we did not sit still much. Now, of course I am paying for it with post vacation tiredness. I truly believe I needed 2 days upon arrival to recover from the planning and traveling exhaustion part of the trip- not to mention the exhaustion of the 10 months of freakin’ cancer!! I think a 5 day trip would have been perfect AFTER those two days and then I need another 2 days to get home, and unpack and rest in order to get back to the routine of daily grown up life.
So, next trip I need to book 9 days?? I wish!!
One day.

Hawkeye? Hot Lips? How about Radar?

2008-10-15T14:13:00.001-04:00

Paging Dr Frank Burns! Paging Dr Frank Burns! Have you met your patients? Or do you just look at their charts for a second and head into the appointments hoping you remember what the heck you just read???
Perhaps we should attach photos of your patients to the chart. How about one with hair, one without would that help you remember us and our medical details? Maybe a tattoo on our foreheads with the dates and details of diagnosis… would that help?

So, here is the story. Yesterday I was at my favourite Hospital I had a doc's (aka Dr Frank Burns) appointment. Bloodwork and a physical exam of sorts.
My sore hands and mouth cold sores and other lingering side effects are all from the chemo (I knew that, but wondered if there was anything that could be done etc but my medical team just shrugged at me)
Yesterday the onco nurse asked a bunch of questions and scheduled my Heart scan(needed during Herceptin) and mammogram in Dec. and sent the doc in to examine me. 40 min later the Dr showed up and asked if I had questions and I talked about the hand pain etc and was told it was from the taxol chemo.... then started the exam. Then the Dr asked about when my last Mammogram was. I said in January which was how I was diagnosed...the the Dr said... and catch this.... "THIS YEAR? OR LAST YEAR?" ummmmmm this year doctor.... because you are in this room for my FIRST exam since my chemo ended in July. You know.... the chemo we just finished talking about 2 minutes ago!!!
Perhaps the Dr got distracted while touching my boob...? Or maybe it is because despite their name on all my charts since this Dr has only met me 4 times including once in the elevator and had no idea who the hell I was.....
Today in herceptin I had to ask the chemo nurse for my bloodwork results, because they did not give them to me yesterday (they never gave me bloodwork results before either, but I figure the first post chemo test was preeeety important) Thankfully, everything is within normal ranges.
Dr Burns that should have been left to you, but I am thankful the nurse helped me with that.
Next time I am sick, Dr’s Pierce and Honeycutt will have to be called.

sorry everyone

2008-10-13T18:38:00.002-04:00

I am just returning from a long awaited but far too short vacation in Vermont(one of the best places on earth.
I will be back to blogging later this week.
I have Herceptin this week and my first post chemo check up with my onco that I do not like. Woo hoo! You know I will have a lot to talk about after that meeting.

Cheers and more Ben and Jerry's for everyone!!!!

Smoke and Manners

2008-10-02T08:03:00.003-04:00

On Monday the construction company finally gave us notice that we have to move our cars from the street by 7 am each day so they can pave the street that they have been screwing up/ working on since May. I did so for Monday, but they never paved the street. I moved the car for Tuesday, but they never paved the street. I did not move the car for Wednesday, and they still did not pave the street. I did not move the car for Thursday(this morning) because frankly, I don't trust these guys anymore and I had a lot of stuff to carry last night. I knew they might knock on the door again, so I figured I would deal with it.
I was woken up at 7:45 to laughing and talking. I thought it was my radio. Nope. I thought it was my son's radio. Nope. Then there was a knock at the door. Luke answered the door and I heard a man ask " is that your parent's green car over there?" Luke replied "Yes, but my parents are asleep" "Well go wake them up they have to move that green car!" Note the lack of Pleases and Thank You's in this interaction. I heard the conversation and the tone of voice by the construction worker was less than pleasant. Is it not normal to at least pretend manners when speaking to someone elses child?

So I got dressed and came down to move the car, totally prepared to talk to someone about their lack of manners with my son. I knew full well it would fall on deaf ears, but I still had to say it. Low and behold in front of my house I find 4 construction workers on my front sidewalk talking, laughing and smoking cigarettes! Keep in mind this is a tiny street so they are smoking less than 10 feet from my bedroom window.
I laid into them hard! I told them they should think about who they might be waking up with their early morning chatting (this is when I saw the cigarettes) and showed them how close they were to my bedroom window and suggested they should also use the word please when they spoke to people and most especially children. They said it was not them that came to the door, but another worker. I apologized and told them(this is the new paving crew, not the crew that has been here through most of the project)how bad this summer has been with the road construction and how this was the first time we had been given notice about moving the cars, I told them I had been ill all summer and how I have been constantly had woken up to knocks at the door at varying times through the day to move my car. Then I asked them to think about their choice to smoke so close to a persons house... and pointed to my still mostly bald head and said "Cancer!" and walked away....

I don't wanna grow up!

2008-09-30T09:29:00.003-04:00

So, today's thought/ question / query is... is being a grown up really just a series of procrastinations? Is it actually possible to have a completely unfettered moment with nothing looming over you? This morning I was angry and crying for being exhausted on a morning when I had a lot to accomplish. So, I got mad at myself for staying up too late the last two nights. Ok, honestly? I think I have stayed up too late for the last 4 billion nights. How many nights is every night since you were born??? 4 billion seems right. Why do I stay up late? Well, I think the reasons are simple 1) I don't want to miss anything i.e. the good part of the party/ book/ tv show/ email/the show that is coming on next etc. 2) I am a procrastinator extraordinaire. The act of procrastinating is such an art for me I procrastinate talking about or thinking about my bad habit of procrastination. Going to bed means giving up. Surrendering to the boring. I love sleep, but staying up is way cooler and more fun. Staying up late doing nothing in particular is my own personal protest to my lack of personal time.
I cannot think of a moment in a very long time where I had no commitments looming over me, or I was not doing my best to forget that I had a commitment looming over me. Do I pay for my procrastination? Yes, of course I do. Did I have to scramble to deal with laundry at 8 am this morning when I could have leisurely dried it and folded it last night instead of surfing the internet. Oh wait. I was surfing the internet about work, and finances, and talking on the phone about promotions for .. work. So while I was procrastinating the laundry, I was working. This morning I am blogging to you while procrastinating something else. Do all grown ups do this? Or are there people in the world who come home from work, eat dinner and watch tv and go to bed because they have very few commitments and did the laundry and vacuuming on the weekend??
Is this a personality thing? Did being born a high energy Sagittarius who does not suffer fools gladly make me like this? Could I ever be one of those people who works and comes home and does nothing and likes it? Or would I just be bored?

Today I say- BRING ON THE BORING!
The week I was diagnosed my joke was (after having no more than two years in the last 9 years without someone in my family having cancer) that I hope the next 10 years of my life is boring.
I have so much more to say, but I have a lot to do today, and task number one was already put off so I could stop and sit still and think and write this down.
I promised you pictures, I will get to it. I promise.

Poor Constuction worker?

2008-09-26T07:59:00.001-04:00

I finally yelled at the workers who wake me up to move my car from the street at 7am in the morning on many occasions. He knocked 3 times today and on knock number 2 was told by my son to wait. On knock number 3 he got yelled at. I told him I was sick of them knocking on doors first thing in the morning when they knew the night before which days they needed cars off the street. I got the him to admit that on other sites they give out paper notices the night before they need cars moved and was not sure why they do not do that here. I reminded him that not everyone works 9-5 and is up by 7. I told him (and this was the first time I used the cancer card) I had been woken up for the last 5 months all the way through chemo and I was sick of how inconsiderate they have been and how terrible the site has been. He said he knows and that this construction project has been a problem because everything keeps changing.
So, even the construction staff knows this site is a mess! ?

Doin' the eyelash dance!

2008-09-20T15:36:00.002-04:00

One wouldn't think eyelashes are all that important to their world.
I mean, how many times a day do you think about your eyelashes?
Sex, Chocolate,Cheese Doodles.. we all think about things multiple times throughout the day. But Eyelashes?
Well, try not having any...lemme tell ya.. it is pretty crazy.
So this week I have eyelashes long enough to wear mascara! They are still all stumpy and wierd looking, but they are getting there!
Little triumphs make me happy!

Apology accepted...

2008-09-17T16:28:00.002-04:00

So, with an explanation that suggests a grand scale mis-communication amongst their volunteers I have had an apology from the political party mentioned in the previous post.The campaign manager and the candidate came in to talk to me about the events of the last few days. I explained all that blogged about yesterday. They apologized and explained the communication errors, and the fact that it was a coincidence that they parked in front of my store. They have however no explanation about the final email I received last night and do not know who sent it.

As the neighbourhoods have been filling up with signs for this candidate and that candidate.... I had an idea for a special sign I would like to put on my own lawn to express my thoughts about the elections on both sides of the border(I will be voting in both) After this I think I will perhaps pretend that politics don't exist and wear a big hat and sunglasses when I go to the polls.

Politics and me are like this......

2008-09-16T18:59:00.002-04:00

So, I am sitting in my store after crying my eyes out because it was the only way to relieve the stress of a terrible terrible day.
So, this is how the day went:
I have to start at the beginning so you understand. Sometime last week I noticed a page on FaceBook about "Wellness Week". The local Dundas Wellness Week is an event held by the local business association, and lots of local businesses( including mine-Ellenoire) in the downtown area are participating- giving demonstrations, tastings, etc all discussing and displaying things surrounding wellness. On this facebook event page I discovered the info and photo that is used by the Business Association( hereafter referred to as the BIA) for their marketing campaign for the event. To my surprise it was not the BIA hosting this "event" on this page at all it was a local political party. On the page words stated on the page were/are: "Here is a list of the events that require our presence..." on this list were the events that my store is hosting amongst others.
My interpretation of the page is that there is a political party planning to place people in or near my store to "spread the word" about their parties message in the upcoming national election during events that my customers will be attending. I was not happy about this. I am in business to make money, not have conflict in my store with customers and political campaigners. My store feeds my son, my store pays my bills. My store is not a place for anyone, including me and my staff to make overt statements about their personal political choices. So, the idea of a party deciding without my permission that they will be attending the events in my store with the plan to "spread the word" to my clients made me angry. I wrote a note on their wall saying that no one campaigning would be permitted in my store without permission and I suggested they ask other businesses permission as well. It was clear I was unhappy about their presumptuousness but I was not unpleasant or mean. I also stated that this was not about my political opinion at all.

I expected backlash on the facebook wall, but I did not expect what ended up happening. My comment on the facebook wall was deleted, and was replaced with a statement that they would be "contacting all businesses before campaigning" In the spirit of social media the fact that they deleted my harmless comment was a little silly, but.... This afternoon at 12:30 I received a call from someone from this party. The tone of voice used by this person seemed to me to be confrontational. The call went something like this: Hi I am from the --------- party, and I am calling to tell you that we will be attending your event(s) during wellness week

So I asked if they were intending at attend as customers... and she said well we will come with 2 or 3 of us in our party t-shirts during your demonstration and just stand there, we won't be campaigning or anything and I said "well I would prefer you didn't"

and after a few more words then she hung up the phone.

I was quite upset, trying to imagine what might happen if these campaigners being here would cause any issue with my customers.
I called the head of the BIA to let her know about the facebook page. I was on the phone and 30 minutes after the phone call a car with several people in the party colours and campaign t-shirts pulled up to the parking spot in front of my store. After watching them for 15 minutes, talking amongst themselves and giving out a few of what appeared to be campaign flyers or cards I closed my store. I was so upset after the phone call that I wanted to be sure that my customers did not think that these people outside my store meant that I was affiliated with that party, or any party for that matter! For the next hour or so the party campaigners actively walked the street in party tshirts, carrying signs going in and out of stores using the car in front of my store as a base to get things in and out of. Once they were clearly not hovering around my store anymore I re-opened.
Throughout the day I remained quite upset. I had not eaten well, I was worried that my simple statement on the facebook page could escalate to these things. A phone call from someone "telling" me they were coming to my events, and a group of people parking right in front of my store.... what was going to happen next?
At 5pm, 4 hours after they arrived the party people finally drove away.
At 5:50 I received this email from an anonymous email address.
The email was entitled "Friendly" the body of the email said this:
FYI, for future reference The chief Electoral Officer indicates NO-One can limit campaigning on public property and store owners who try to do so are liable for $2000.00 fine or 6 months in jail.

Have a a great day!

As you can imagine an email with an implied threat like that upset me even more. My fears came true. It has escalated again. Is this Canadian Politics? Or does it remind you of anything else? All I know right now is that my voting choices just got easier. Whether these people that chose to make me feel threatened and like a prisoner in my own store today are following party rules I do not know. If the party constituent chose to chat with me today after finding out from the BIA rep that I had received the call and about the facebook issue then I may have given him the time to apologise, or even tell me his point of view. Instead, he walked by my store dozens of times knowing there was a conflict and he did nothing. Manners? No, not from anyone in that party today.

You tell me dear bloggy bits readers. What should I make of this?

Bloggy rainy thought for the day

2008-09-13T15:05:00.003-04:00

So I am sitting on the porch in the rain, well I was until I came in to make a call about some beans at the farmers market that I forgot to ask T to get and to write this...
So, what I was on about....
I was sitting on the porch, with the rain falling down around me listening to nothing but the rain. It is a warm humid day with a lovely rain. Since I cannot turn into the frog I would like to be to continue my gardening(I don't think my animagus would be a frog anyway)I decided to read on the porch.
I was reading the September Vogue magazine and wishing I lived in New York City so I could go to the restaurants and buy all the clothes I see on those yummy glossy pages.
Then I realized that if I lived in New York City it would be unlikely I could sit on my porch and listen to nothing but the rain.
hmmmm

answers to questions I got on an email today, Do you know me better now?

2008-09-09T17:11:00.004-04:00

I know you have all received emails with questions like this.... I have decided to answer the questions from this 'fun' email on here instead of on the email.

I won't be sending this out...

To anyone but my bloggy people.

Here we go.

Answers, by Noelle

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My middle name is my mom’s maiden name, which is kind of lame, but some British tradition ..... Lumdsen?? can you imagine trying to explain that to a schoolyard full of white, blue collar 5 year olds? Honourable to my lineage I know but..... I already have to explain Noelle for pity's sake.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? An hour ago, but my blood sugar was low.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Don’t care, but yes I suppose

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Spiced ham with Garlic from Links

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yup

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Probably not, I talk too much, or so I am told and I don't like people who talk to much.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Rarely, don’t understand it either.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? NO, why would anyone really?

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I have to have a favourite? Ok, Alpen, Weetabix, Cap’n Crunch

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

Yes, and it bugs me when other people don’t. Not during triathlons though.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Duh?!

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Again…. I have to have a favourite?

Ok, Glacier Berthillon in Paris all flavours, and real Ben and Jerry's made in Vermont

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? shoes

15. RED OR PINK? Red and Hot pink. Light pink looks crappy on most people but especially me.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU? My height.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Yolande

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK? No, don’t care- emails like this are dumb.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black. They make pants and shoes in other colours?

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A tablespoon full of peanut butter- organic, no sugar, crunchy ….(sorry Ross)

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The Cocteau Twins

22. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? Don’t really like TV anymore, but House, So you think you can Dance, Numbers,

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Skunk spray about an hour after the spray from about a block away (yes, totally serious) Tree Moss absolute, Labdunum, heliotrope flowers. You really want a perfume specialist to answer this one?

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? I hate the phone.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?

Yes, but she sent me this dumb email, so I am not sure anymore.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

On TV? Or live?

Not hockey, Not football, Not baseball, Not tennis (although I can do it for a little while)

Not golf…. Ummm I liked the Olympics a little bit.

I like to watch triathlons in person.

27. HAIR COLOR? Hair? Ummmm? I think this question might make some people cry.

28. EYE COLOR? Brown, or so I thought before I lost all my eyebrows. Then they got lighter

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? no

30. FAVORITE FOOD? This week food bores me. Fave food? PB and J. All day all the time (sorry again Ross)

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary Movies are the stupidest things ever invented and I hate them.

Happy Endings? Only if the story needed to end happily.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED. Holes

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black…. What do you think?

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

You mean what is it outside right now?

Or which one do I like? It is summer outside. I like all seasons. Weather does not affect me. I look out the window, I dress accordingly.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Unless I know you really really well I actually would prefer you don’t touch me at all and ya I am dead serious.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Ok, again with the favourites thing.

As long as it has real chocolate in it, I will likely eat it and will be polite about liking it whether I do or not.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? To this email? The one I am not sending to anyone? What do you think?

38. Least LIKELY TO RESPOND ? NEXT!

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Can’t remember the title, it is about 18^th century London and an apothecary.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Don’t use one

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Nothing, I did dishes and made plum jam

42. FAVORITE SOUND? Silence

43. BEATLES OR ROLLING STONES? Beatles

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? France and Chemo... they were both far far away. France was nice though.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I sing better than most people know.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Saskatoon

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?

Not sending this to anyone…. I keep telling you that.

Cheers!

2008-09-04T19:07:00.003-04:00

I had 4 BC/ cancer/chemo people in my world today. A new employee at the food shop across the street from my store pointed at my head and said "chemo?" and told me that she had BC and chemo and recon.... in .. well she could not remember what year.. it was a kind of funny. Then I had a woman in a wig ( yes, sadly I can almost always tell which I why I don't wear one) come in about some skincare stuff that I market for chemo-ed out skin ( which is still stuck at f*$&/@ing customs) but we had a good chat and I sent her to this site because her support group ended..?! Then I had another person with a type of lymphoma who has seen me on TV, and after she paid for her soap she gave me a BC t-shirt that she said "I bought this for myself, but will never wear it- so i thought you should have it" Theeeeen I had another woman who had curly hair from chemo, but insisted on arguing with me about her hair for about 20 minutes (I am a pain in the ass about curly hair when people argue with me, I warn them from the beginning of the demo/sales pitch and I always win every argument they throw at me)

It was an interesting day.

I have to take a pic of my hair for you, I look like a very funny little bird with a strange shadow of eyebrows.

Locke St festival this weekend!!!! Saturday the 6th

Come and see me, we will be in front of the Transit Gallery at 230 Locke st south in Hamilton.

Holy crap!

2008-09-02T14:42:00.007-04:00

It's been a week already???
I work,
I Twitter( microblogging, see the feed to the right),
I blog in my head all the time. If there was a way to auto feed my thoughts into my blog I could avoid this typing thing that hurts my hands anyway. Between my nails falling off....( oh yes my nails are falling off!!!) from the chemo and the fingertip pain from the chemo and this new strange phenomenon of my hands hurting after any activity that I use them a lot. i.e. swimming, gardening... mmmm typing!!!
I guess when my mom's nails were a mess near the end of her chemo I did not understand why... but now I understand that nails are also a fast growing cell just like hair so why wouldn't they get damaged???

So this last few weeks has been nuts! Trying to have fun before summer ended, trying to train for the potential of racing this triathlon, trying to spend time with my kid etc etc. Oh, and then there is this annoying work thingy that keeps getting in the way! I was on TV last Thursday on CH Morning Live, and dragged my tired ass to the EX with Luke and his pal. Thanks to the construction workers here in the Witherspoon hell pit I did not get a nap. So up at 4:30am, work for 3 or so hours, then off to 7 hours of walking on concrete. Have I ever mentioned I hate junk food ( well except for cotton candy and it is not on my diet) and rides?? So imagine me at the freakin' EX! ?

We have yet another street festival coming up this weekend- The Locke Street festival Sat Sept 6th. Drop in, say hi, rub my fuzzy (yup, you could actually call it fuzz now, not stubble!) head and then, well you know.... buy something!

So, about this triathlon thing. I did it.
I raced the darned Women's Tri( super-sprint distance 375m swim, 10km bike, 2.5km run) in Milton on Sunday.
I had a "Swim Buddy" to help me through the swim portion just in case I freaked out. God love her, but I may have been faster if she did not chat with me the whole time. But hey! I was there to prove I could race again... so I listened to her chat. The bike portion was a breeze (I hate to say this, because now y'all won't think I am sick anymore) and the run suuuuuucked. Running has been and will remain my hardest sport of the 3. I may be a slow swimmer, but it does not really scare me anymore. Cycling? well how could that be hard? Running? in the sun( curse the women's tri for moving the course into the open sunshine- the old course was waaaay better) wa hot and hard. I pulled a Whitfield at the end, and tried to sprint to the finish, but had nothing left and let the girl behind me pass at the last minute. So, I had my kid run the last 50m holding my hand... but I did it.

I finished a triathlon 6weeks and 3.5 days after my last chemotherapy. Ya hear that cancer???

The studies say that ( quoted from my smartypants swimmy pal in my BC support group)

"women who stay, or become, physically active after being dx'd with BC have a better chance of survival. They're talking about a reduction in the risk of death of 67% from 2 or 3 hrs of "brisk walking" per week during the year before and 2 years after dx. Women who were "sedentary" pre-dx could reduce their risk of death by 45% if they increased their level of activity to 2 or 3 hrs of brisk walking per wk during the 2 yrs after dx.

This is the original article: M.L. Irwin, et al. "Influence of pre- and postdiagnosis physical activity on mortality in breast cancer survivors: The health, eating, activity, and lifestyle study." Journal of Clinical Oncology 26(24):3958-3964 (Aug. 20, 2008). It was highlighted in a lot of news releases this past week"

So cancer? I will take your walking "2-3 hours of walking briskly" and raise you by 2-3 hours of triathlon training. SO THERE!

I am off to some hand hurting gardening ( y'all know how much I love the garden right?) in the last 3 hours of day 1 with my kid in school.

Shout out to my mom's late in life pal Jeff Goodes host of CBC radio's Fresh Air, apparently a note about me and the tri got to him and he mentioned it on the air on Sunday morning. If any of you heard it tell me all about it. Thanks Jeff!!!

Cheers, and I wil post pic later.. I pwomise!

P.S. I added a pic for you! see above

This week and stuff

2008-08-24T13:25:00.003-04:00

I am on a 'diet' trying to lose some weight after that chemo nightmare. It is slow going, but I am not giving up!

We went out last night to dinner and the theatre. We went wandering in the city and tried on clothes. YUCK! When you are used to being a 6-8, trying on 12-14 is a total drag. My cute BF who has been training for triathlons all summer got to buy some lovely new sweaters to show off his awesome pecs, and I got one shirt that I pray will look ok with my foob.

Being at the theatre was fun!, we got to see the show Avenue Q in Toronto which I have been waiting years to see! What a blast! The stares at my bald head from the normals was oooh soo much fun too! ;) Man, we were seeing a show with puppets having sex, how could I be wierd looking???

Tomorrow I have a hard workout day, to test myself to see if I am actually going to try and do a mini race on the weekend. My kid is away for his last summer fun at a pals cottage and I am taking 2 days with no kid, no chemo side effects and no cares... as much as I can get away with anyway!

Too much work to do today!
I better get on it!

Skincare?

2008-08-20T15:31:00.003-04:00

I am having a lot of trouble focussing on work today.
A friend of mine's son died in his sleep on the weekend, and I am having trouble caring about stupid things like sales and taxes and such.
I am at the store, and I promised some other friends I would give them skin advice to take care of their skin after chemo was over.
I am not dreading doing the writing, but there is a restlessness I feel and sitting still to type is not working. So, I am going to try....
Skin care 101
Step 1 Exfoliation 2-3 times a week your skin must be exfoliated. If you do not exfoliate you are wasting your money on lotions and balms. Lotions etc simply will not penetrate dead skin.
That said, exfoliating has to be done with some caution.
There are 2 kinds of ways to exfoliate: Physical and Chemical. Physical means use salt, sugar, pumice etc or tools like loofah, and other scrubby devices. Personally I have always preferred scrubby gloves for my regular exfoliation head to toe. I use salt and sugar scrubs for occasional exfoliation times.
Chemical exfoliants use ingredients like alpha hydroxy acid, fruit acids, glycolic acids etc. Face and décolleté should be exfoliated gently with sugar, chemical or finer grit scrubby devices.

Do not exfoliate broken skin, or open sores. On keratosis, psoriasis and excema use extreme caution and when using product only use unscented, natural and sugar based exfoliants.
I do not shower everyday, so I exfoliate whenever I shower.

Step 2 Moisturization
The best times to moisturize are directly after bathing, or before bed.
Body and Hands- when skin is still wet from bathing or showering slather on a rich lotion or balm, or body butter onto wet skin, then wrap in a towel or robe for a few minutes. If your skin is oily then use lotion sparingly in those areas.
Face- when skin is still wet from toning ( yes toner is an important step for facial skin for those over 25, or with acne issues) add moisturizer in morning, and at night or whenever face is washed.

Step 3 Maintenance - If you follow steps 1 and 2 regularly you will see a huge change in your skin within a few days. To Maintain it you can skip the occasional day here and there, but skipping more than a week without these steps will make you skin go back to rough, and dry.
Let me know if you have questions, or want to buy products that will fit what I have described.
I am off to the post office to clear my head. I will update more about how my chemo recovery is going ....soon I promise.
Suffice it to say..... I worked a 60+ hour week at the store last week and lived to tell about it!
cheers!

Humbled, again!!

2008-08-13T15:26:00.003-04:00

So, today is a hard day at the hell pit called the cancer centre here in Hamilton. I am typing this while in my vinyl laz z boy (who the hell thought that was a good idea I don’t know) with the IV in my arm

In the 2 hour wait for my herceptin treatment to start I watched a couple next to me. I was sure by the deep sadness in the mans’ eyes that he was the one with cancer, but when I searched for the telltale signs I could not tell which one of them was the patient. I eventually saw the hospital bracelet hidden under her jacket cuff. Something told me that I should be talking to them.

Understand that it is not normal for people in this waiting room to speak to each other. I chalk it up to the Canadian habit of keeping to yourself. Ultimately I ended up chatting with the woman and learned that she has colon cancer that has spread to her liver. Once cancer spreads as you may know you start to be in an area of treatment that is iffy. Cancer in one spot has a better chance of being controlled. She has been in a treatment for a year and is understandably scared and her husband is terrified!

I don’t think I have ever seen a person with a sadder look in his eyes. I made the odd choice of telling them about my mother and her death from cancer. The husband asked me a lot of questions about my mother and what treatments she sought and strangely about my own mental health and depression and I had no idea what to tell him. He was so painfully depressed about his wife and so surprised about how upbeat and strong I seemed and I was useless at telling him how or why I was like that.

I was born under the sign of Sagittarius and we are notoriously strong and steadfast?!

I come from a long line of feisty and strong women who have handled lots of emotional turmoil in their lives? I am a triathlete so I handle pain and suffering better than most?!

What could I tell this guy that might help him wake up and be in a happier place tomorrow? Powerless to the utmost... All I could mutter when they left was to smile and that I would pray for his wife.

The magazine article I was reading comparing the iphone to the blackberry seemed a total waste of time now. I was affected by this mans sadness more than most things since my cancer diagnosis.

Am I handling this better/ differently than other people? If so... Why?

Why is this fair? Shouldn’t the more terminally affected by graced with the strength to deal with this better? I can only hope that something I said or did make those people have a better day/ week … whatever….

I can only pray that God gives them a break.

Me? I remain Lucky … as always

*************************************************************************************

This is the lyric that came on as I wiping away tears when that couple left the chemo room....

Relevant? I don't know... but the words and memories of the song made me cry....

At the point of the knife, you never see anyone and the strong will survive at the end of that gun.

We Run
by Drew Arnott (Strange Advance)

You're on your own and meet a friend
Who doesn't kill but wounds for life
The sun blinds you through the trees
While watching clues fall from the skies
And she smiles

Chorus

At the point of the knife
You never see anyone
How the strong will survive
At the end of their gun
We Run...

Frozen smiles for men returned
They never even left this place
She kissed me softly on the cheek
And a shadow cut across her face

Take heart the fountain of my life
and stone the victim to his knees
I've got scars for my mistakes
And now post atomic dreams
I dream...

Chorus

I walked for miles and miles to the sea
We burned, the fire from the sun
I know you never tried to deceive
Who can touch us when we run

food and diet

2008-08-08T09:53:00.004-04:00

Shelley, to answer this mornings question about white flour vs rice flour.... anything white is usually your enemy when it comes to a healthy diet. White rice, white flour, white sugar and most of the time potatoes.
Rice, unless it is brown is pretty high glycemic.

For the rest of you I will paste the diet details I mentioned to Shelley in a comment this week.
This is the eating plan I have switched back to after chemo. During chemo I ate whatever tasted ok with my chemo mouth, and whatever sat well on my chemo stomach. With the bloating from the meds and the lack of exercise I gained almost 15 pounds. I have lost 4 since chemo ended, and it looks like that was mostly fluid. The rest of the weight loss will be hard work.
Here are some simple details on my eating plan.

Here is my fave breakfast on the run/ snack to keep in the fridge.
1c plain (no not vanilla) low fat yogurt, 1c frozen or fresh berries, 1/2 cup plain oatmeal. Layer oatmeal, berries and yogurt in that order in a big bowl overnight or for a few hours and stir. Add a small amount of brown sugar or real maple syrup to taste.

The plan is not that different from South Beach. The website I use to choose my food is www.fatwars.com. It has a fairly good glycemic index (the speed at which your body converts food to sugar in your blood ) list. So, the ,simple idea is you choose your foods mostly from the low glycemic list and rarely from the high glycemic list. ie. White Bread= high glycemic an Apple= low glycemic.

Rule #1 no juice or soda pop (no not even diet, artificial sweeteners are bad for you, and make you crave other sweets) I still drink coffee with a little brown sugar but other than that I drink water

Rule #2 you can have 1 cheat meal a week, I used to do it on Sunday night and have a meal with all the bad things I wanted and dessert. A little bit of dark chocolate ( no not a candy bar, and no milk chocolate either) a day is fine to satisfy a craving.

Rule #3 No white rice, No white sugar and avoid white and enriched flour products like the plague(white bread, white pasta, most cereals) When I lost the big weight in '02 I did no wheat, no rice and only a very small amount of brown sugar. If you choose whole/ sprouted wheat products with no white/ enriched flour in them you can get away with a little bit of wheat. Do not assume a label that says 'whole grains' means it. Check the ingredients carefully. Enriched flour messes with the hormones in women.

Rule #4 no eating in the 2-3 hours before bedtime- this REALLY works.
I have a nutty few weeks ahead of me, and then i hope to have a few days off to relax and train for the tri I want to do at the end of August.
Cheers!
N

blech!!!

2008-08-06T00:27:00.001-04:00

I am in a crabby mood. Waaaaaay too much to do to get ready for this cursed cactus festival. I feel like I am in a movie and everyone was right.... I am cured and everything will be back to the way it was. I am overworked, overtired and not handling it. I have too many balls in the air and if I drop any things won't work out.

In MY movie I have a few more weeks of time after chemo before things get nuts.

Yuck!

see? I am writing

2008-08-05T15:54:00.002-04:00

My old pal Sally told me I do not suck for not writing for a week.
My thought for you at the moment, when I am supposed to be eating my boring ( yes I made it, so it is my fault my damn lunch is boring!) lunch is that you should all watch my twitter feed to the right. That's right, look to the right side of this bloggy page and see. That is my Twitter feed.
I update it all the time from my phone and my computer and such. If I have not blogged, then read my Tweets, they are like my micro blog... it will tell you what I am doing and how I am feeling.
Even better, sign up to twitter.com and "follow" me on twitter.
I am called Ellenoire on twitter.com
Try it, is is fun, and you will be soooo coool if you do! Not everyone is doing it-YET!
More soon.
N

ok ok ok!!!

2008-08-05T01:08:00.003-04:00

as usual I suck! I will write tomorrow I promise.
almost 3 weeks out of chemo! I feel much closer to myself, but far from well or right or normal.
Happy Tuesday, I will talk to you all later when I get a lull in the activity in the work day at the store.
I havta go to bed lest I be a grump in the AM.
Cheers!
N

Swimming! Swimming! In the swimming pool!

2008-07-28T14:23:00.003-04:00

Swimming, swimming, in the swimming pool
When days are hot, When Days are cold , in the swimming pool
Breast stroke, side stroke, fancy diving, too
Don't you wish that you never had
Anything else to do, but...
 *A free Bath Bomb to the first 5 people who call
905 627 9379 or come by the store tomorrow( July 29th)
and sing that song to me*

I figured out that the last time I swam was just before my surgery in Feb. so today was a triumph! I was not allowed to swim in public pools while on chemo because the bacteria levels are too high for a compromised immune system. I am now on day 13 after my last chemo. I am still very tired, and expect to be for some time now, but I decided my immune system should be able to handle the pool.

I managed a veeeery slow 500 metre swim stopping every 2 lengths to catch my breath. I passed most of the old people, but the pregnant one was faster than me! I could only manage mostly breast stroke (can we find a new name for this one???) and some kicking drills My surgery arm is a bit of a hindrance in some strokes though and it will be sore tomorrow.

I was saying to Tim this week that the chemo pain from Taxol, was different from the pain from Neupagen, and they both are different from plain old -I overdid it at Pilates last night -muscle pain.The Chemo pains seem more poisonous to me... anyone else on chemo feel that?? I wonder what will happen moving forward...?

The best parts were.... A) Having the old old old people (who have been in that lane since b4 I was born and think they own the freakin' pool) in the slow lane staring at me wondering why I was there with them. I was armed and ready with the snappy comeback if anyone made a crack at me. Eventually I moved over to the medium lane because the old people could not swim in a straight line!

B) Just b4 the session was over I realized I was going to have no choice but to shower and change in front of people after the swim. I wondered, Do I warn them about the 8 inch mastectomy scar b4 I take my bathing suit off? Do I attempt to hide myself in the corner of the communal shower area? Or Do I just say screw it and shower and change like everything is normal? Well, once I remembered that I also have no pubic hair, I figured a combo of hiding and acting like everything is normal was the only choice. No one flinched thank goodness... but when the woman next to me in the shower started soaping up her big boobs and rubbing them round and round like a porn star in a shower scene (man, how dirty could her boobs be? I asked myself) I reeeeaaally wanted to turn to her with my hands on my hips and yell SHOW OFF! and storm away.

So, here I am sore and tired with my first swim in 6 months, and my first real workout in 4 months ( I managed a few workouts after my first chemo) ready for a mid afternoon nap, but I did it.

I have lots more to tell all y'all about the last few days since chemo ended, and I promise I will soon.

Cheers, N

3 disjointed thoughts

2008-07-25T00:01:00.004-04:00

1) What I do not get is why my prosthetic has to be so damned heavy. It hurts my scar, it hurts my shoulder it is stupid! I am an perky A cup so having a pound of rubber on the one side is totally foreign. My prosthetic is an adhesive one (what a riot to have a stick on boob, let me tell ya) but they say it is too soon to wear it that way with such a new scar) Don't even get me started on finding a mastectomy bathing suit for competitive swimming! NOT one of the companies that makes suits for athletes make a mastectomy suit. Somehow doing a triathlon in a Sears or Lands End mastectomy suit will not seem right.

2) Today I had someone ( a total stranger who knows about me through my store I guess) asks me "how are you doing" and I said well chemo finished a week ago so it will be sometime until I feel normal again but today is a good day. She asked again "but you are fine now?" I gave her some answer but it upset me a lot. I was standing there bald, and clearly lopsided in my tank top, a week out of chemo and some stranger wants me to tell them that I am healthy????

WTF???? Yes dear stranger lady, my boob grows back a little each day, just like my hair and those cool doctors cured me with that magic medicine. It was just like a vacation really!

3) It has been one week since chemo finished. This emotional roller coaster is a whole new set of things I did not anticipate. I have no chemo to " look forward" to this coming week. I have no medical appointments, and no tests for another 3 weeks when I start the antibody I have to have for another year. My BF reminded me that since December when i found the lump, nothing has been normal and since I was working my busy season then it meant I had been working 50-60 hours a week for 7 weeks at that point- which of course is not normal. Soooo, that means that my life has been somewhere south of normal for damned close to 10 months.

So, I will blog more in the next few days, but I am not sleeping well and my feet and hands are all goofy and tingly from the Taxol. I am off to try and sleep.

Cheers,

I am a poet! ;p

2008-07-15T21:43:00.003-04:00

‘Twas the night before chemo and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
The steroids I set by the bedside with care
Praying that sleep might happen near there.

The night before chemo I like things all clean
From low energy ‘n-sore legs the house is a scene!
The kitchen is messy, the laundry a heap
When the steroids kick in, I'll clean and I'll sweep!

Tomorrow is Taxol I think with a shudder,
So glad that this drug is better than the others
The nausea! The mouth sores! The headaches! Oh my!
With Taxol I just need a wheelchair to get by

My stomach is yucky, all tied up in knots
I'll never get used to the pills and the shots
The doctors, they mean well but what do they know?
They should try it sometime, now that'd be some show!

Here's prune juice and flax seeds and bran flakes for you
I do hope this mixture will allow you to poo
If not then drink water and go to bed in tears
Don't worry your patients have been doin' this for years!

On barfyness, on tiredness, on painful fingernails
No side effect can take the wind from my sails
I'm bald and I'm fat, but what do I care?
I look in the mirror and it's ME standing there

This cancer it scares me but the end is in sight
Treatment's soon over and all will be right
I hope so, I pray so, I dream it will be
‘cause chemo is a nightmare I don't care to repeat!

Hot Flashes? Or Cramps??

2008-07-15T13:59:00.003-04:00

So today's plan is to go and yell at my doctors for not making it clear that my "chemopause' (chemically induced menopause) may be permanent and that they should have told a woman of childbearing age that this could be the case... the funny thing? I think I am getting menstrual cramps... not sure, it has been months since I got them last... but I think the timing is freakin' hilarious. I hope I start my period right when I am scolding them for being such insenitive asses!
I am off to the poking and prodding part of my week.
Cheers!

Peel

2008-07-09T15:53:00.002-04:00

As I sit here having a hot flash, exhausted from a sleepless night I would like to to peel off my chemo riddled shell and fly away to eat a fresh picnic in a meadow somewhere in the body I used to know.

Dumb Cancer Comment of the week

2008-07-08T19:48:00.004-04:00

In my store last week, my pretty upscale fragrance and soap boutique this woman comes up to me at the back of the store and says:
"I hope you did that on purpose!"

I stared at her thinking.... what on purpose? cut my boob off? or my hair? which dumb question are you asking me lady?

I politely replied What? My hair? No, I am in chemo....

I wanted to say "yes, and next week my store will be filled with skulls and beds of nails and my swastika tattoo will be on above my right ear!" and stick my tongue out at her.
LOL!!

the closer I get to tomorrow the better I feel

2008-07-08T19:31:00.003-04:00

Day 6 of treatment 7 ( Taxol #3) and I am better today than I was yesterday, and yesterday I was better than the day before that.
This Taxol tx was a nightmare(ish). Still nothing compared to the AC tx's but a nightmare is a nightmare.

So, Sunday (day 4) is my worst day. Ton's of pain, pain in everything south of my eyeballs. NO, I am not kidding, my teeth hurt, my finger tips hurt, my ab muscles hurt- and the shooting pains?!!!!! They were everywhere.
I was barely awake and the phone rang, it was my sister ( hey, if I blog is not for venting than what is?)
calling for the first time in weeks. She still wins the sibling race for calling though. My big brother( who mom forgot to tell us about for 20 years, but is in our lives now) was here for a week after my surgery and helped a lot with mom's living with cancer and her death last year. He called the day he got home in Feb and has not called since. he does not even know I am in chemo. Normally he does not call often, it doesn't bug me "normally"

My little sister is a single mom like me. Unlike me she has a full time job with benefits. I am (happily) self employed and I have no child support(he left the country and cannot be found) or benefits at all( and if you read this blog you know how expensive being sick has been for me) she is too lazy/ scared etc(whatever!) to do the work to get her ex to pay his share, and complains about it all the time. She will receive a bunch of money this year from mom's estate. In very simple terms she got cash, I got a house. We both are very very lucky as far as I am concerned. I hung up on her on Sunday when she had the balls to complain about money and that she had to take extra summer work .... She is a teacher and has the summer off but is choosing to work to make MORE money??

Meanwhile her kids have to be away from her all summer so she can have MORE money???

I counseled her through being beat up by her 6 figure income husband, I counseled her through mom's dying (when she bothered to show up to see mom), I helped her budget her way to getting out and getting on her own 2 feet etc etc. She has not shown up here once, not to see me, not to take my kid, not for anything.... but she "thinks about me all the time"

My brother, my sister and some of my best friends have been mostly absent during my whole illness and although no one is surprised it does not take the sting away.

Isn't it all too bad? Just once I wish the selfish ones could see themselves for what they are and how they hurt people around them... because I am convinced most of them have no clue.

My quote of the day...

2008-07-08T19:02:00.000-04:00

“Natural menopause is a fender bender, whereas medical or surgical menopause is like hitting a brick wall at sixty miles an hour. ”
I heartily concur!!!!!

Hot flashes suck!

Bomb the boats, feed the fish!

2008-07-02T18:27:00.002-04:00

I hate the cancer centre!!!!
Yes, the lovely, caring Juravinski bullshit Cancer Centre.... is a godforsaken hell hole in my opinion.
After 3 hours in the place and dealing with farce after farce of communication nighmares I am finally home. No one told me the heart scan would take an hour, so my plan to have lunch in between the appointments did not happen. So I did not get to eat.
2 weeks ago my new nurse suggested my pending heart scan be set on the same day as my bloodwork for convenience. It seemed to be forgotten that the heart scan needed 2 needles and bloodwork needed another, and tomorrow for chemo I need another. That means 4 needles in one arm in less than 24 hours. Because of the lymphadema (arm swelling from the fact that they removed lymph nodes) risks on my surgery side, I cannot have needles there. 2 more chemos to go and I am NOT getting a port(a surgical insertion of a needle entry point that makes it easier for the nurses to draw blood and give IV's)

I waited for an hour to see the doctor and reminded the nurse that we had 5 minutes to get my prescriptions in to the pharmacy and they looked at me like I had screwed something up.... then I asked the Nurse about the menopause symptoms, and told them that I had to find out about "chemo induced menopause" on the internet, and that they should have told me.... I asked if I (41years old) should expect this to be temporary which i assumed was the case... they said NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only did they not bother to tell me these symptoms might happen, but now I find out that this may be it for me! Did it not occur to them that this may be important news? Having a child after 40 is certainly not unheard of- no one asked me if I had considered having more kids... Again I ask... Did it not occur to them that this was important news?????
So, as I was being raced out the door to the upstairs pharmacy, the Doctor stuck his head in to say " everything ok? Do we need to talk about anything this week...?"
I told him I was upset with the menopause issue and asked about another prescription that they forgot to mention he said we can talk about it next week and raced upstairs to get in the pharmacy before they closed.
Perhaps the hospital scheduling fairies should not schedule 4:15 appointments that involve prescriptions to be filled by 5pm HMMM???
Oh, right... they don't care about my arm with 4 needles in 24 hours, nor do they care about the end of my childbearing options, why-ever would they care about the fact that I might not get my pre chemo prescriptions the night before chemo???
So, at the pharamacy I slipped in just before they slammed the door in my face and got told that my drug card was not working and I had to pay for my steroids in cash.
So, the annoying visit from the nurse yesterday that is supposed to keep my drug card activated clearly was a total waste of time. So tomorrow, from the chemo chair I will have to have Tim and the social workers fight with the pharmacy so I can get the drug card issue fixed and get my white blood cell booster(neupagen) that is $3000 per month and not covered by OHIP.
YIPPEEE!!!!
Can you see this being a fun day???
So, defeated and upset I left the place to find that the elevators to the parking lot were not working. So I slowly climbed the 4 stories to my car(glad I am not 80, or that it was not a chemo day) and got in, out of breath from the stairs and burst into tears. I have cried often through this cancer ordeal but this one was one of the worst episodes. I called Tim, calmed down and drove home, stopping for a bagel (not great for the weight loss, I know but I was hungry)on the way.
Did I mention... I HATE the Cancer Centre?

normal?

2008-06-30T15:22:00.002-04:00

Today, aside from feeling tired I feel almost normal.
I hesitate to say it, but I do. The last few days have been almost easy.
I am going to do some gardening and some napping in the new lounge chair in the garden. I will write more later, I promise.
Happy Holidays everyone!
N

Fatty Fatty Fat Fat Fat!!!!!!!

2008-06-17T22:02:00.002-04:00

So, on the new chemo called taxol that I started on with the last round I sleep a lot less, have a ton more energy and far fewer side effects than the last chemo cocktail I was on... The painful finger tips and insanely sore back and legs seem to be a happy trade off for the mouth sores and digestion issues from before.

Yeah me!
Buuut.... now all the things I had no choice to avoid- a messy house, piles of unfinished paperwork, 10 -15lbs of weight gain....
The vain part of me is most upset about the weight gain. I have been eating as well as I can, but with the steroids, the chemo and the lack of activity I have gained weight faster than I could have if I had planned it intentionally. If I had known I would have had eggs benedict for breakfast, snacked on donuts and had pasta for dinner every day and at least had fun gaining this much this fast!!!
In 2001 when I was growing my business into a full time job and my son and I moved in with my mom I got fat for the first time in my life. I quit waitressing, quit smoking and sat at a computer building the business and unsuccessfully internet dating. In 2002 I woke up and realized I was the heaviest I had ever been in my life... That summer I worked hard to lose the weight and I went from a size 12 back to a size 6-8 and have stayed that way ever since.
Last week I took my summer clothes out, and could not do anything up.
If having cancer was not depressing enough, if feeling crappy all the time was not hard enough ... I have to deal with this? Is this God's idea of teaching me something?
If so, I don't get it!
As you know I feel pretty gross physically from all the chemo side effects. Everyday someone tells me I look good(and yes, EVERY time I want to punch them!) So let's analyze that shall we? I look good? as opposed to what? Looking like I could die any day now? Well, one reason my face looks good is that the chemo flushes my face with colour, puffiness, and fat... so I don't look pale and I have no wrinkles. Bald with puffy red cheeks may be a good look for a newborn but...
Oh, and the fact that I run a skin and makeup store, so I am an expert at fixing and hiding flaws on my face... and no one sees me on my worst days because I don't come out of the darned house!

Anyway, so clearly the first set off chemo drugs had me so knocked on my ass with side effects and exhaustion that I did not notice how much my body was changing. Now I have noticed I am annoyed.

Don't be surprised if you see me around town on my fun new bike, or using my son's new nordic walking poles trying to work some of the weight and frustration off. I guess, I am ultimately thankful that I have this newfound energy to even consider working out.
I have chemo #6 tomorrow, so we will see if I am right about the energy levels staying up...